Independence Day

One day is pretty much like the others for me now but I thought I would wish everyone else (American at least) a Happy Independence Day! And since it’s Independence Day, I should declare myself independent of some guilt. My (new) therapist has asked me how long I intend to keep punishing myself for losing my job and she said I just need to declare that I am done. Put it in writing, she said. So here, I am publicly announcing it:

I, Manic Monday, hereby do declare that I shall not feel guilty over losing my job.
-Thursday, July 4, 2013

Things didn’t go exactly as I planned there, some of it was my fault, some of it wasn’t, but I can’t keep blaming myself for losing the job. It’s gone and done. I just have to try to find a new one. (Easier said than done, sadly.)  It was a really bad place for my mental health and my mind is better off not there.  I might have to work three jobs instead of one, but everyone goes through phases in their life.  Hopefully, this is just a phase.

Wow, my therapist was right.  It is liberating to write something like that.  She also told me to draw with my left hand using crayons.  That’s kind of liberating too.  I did it one day when my anxiety was really high and discovered what anxiety “looks” like to my inner self.  It was really interesting.  I’m going to take it with me to my next therapy session.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for today.  :)

 

 

Writing among other things

I haven’t written in so long that I feel like I’ve forgotten how.  I know that isn’t true for I’ve been writing a lot of fan fiction lately.  It seems like my time goes into writing that instead of more productive things.  I used to post a separate blog on one of my fanfic stories, but it’s being moved to fanfiction.net.  {Pen name MirandaBasilisk if you are curious.}  I’ve actually got three stories on there, one is being moved from my alternate blog, another is a new story, and the last is called a one-shot, where it’s only one scene.

Other than that, it’s just the usual.  Still some saga about my Dad’s estate, namely his car, and I don’t know what to do about it.  He still hasn’t gotten his glasses replaced so he can’t read and he’s really bored.  His hearing aids are missing too.  Some things just never end.

The job situation is still a joke.  My bestie implied I wasn’t trying to find a job, which really hurt.  That was yesterday.  Yesterday, my coffee maker broke and the dog killed a bird.  Not a good day. :(

On the positive side of things, I am signed up to take my certification exams in order to teach high school.  I have a lot of studying to do and about a month to do it in.  I’ve already started, but I didn’t do any yesterday – I just felt so rotten.  I was seriously contemplating drinking – yes, drinking with my Klonopin.  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to not feel for a while.  All our alcohol is on top of the kitchen cabinets and my husband wouldn’t get it for me.  I don’t know where the step stool went either.  In retrospect, maybe that’s a good thing.

I switched therapists.  That was a nightmare.  I never wrote it out and I should have.  I should have followed through by talking to my old therapist’s (intern) mentor.  She deserved to know why I left.  Now I pay for therapy, but this lady is so much better.  She is older (maybe early sixties) and she understands bipolar because she IS bipolar!  My pdoc recommended her – in fact, she used to be a patient of my pdoc.

OK, I’m sitting here listening to Nickelback and getting distracted.  I’m looking for a song I heard on the radio yesterday (ok, 2 good songs on the radio – yesterday’s high points).  I’m pretty sure it’s a Nickelback song, but apparently not on the album I own.  See how I old I am?  I used the word album.  GROAN!

Mental Health – Legal Issues

Disclaimer: I am not a legal or medical professional.  Do not take this blog post in lieu of legal or medical advice.

I urge each and every one of you to designate someone for durable power of attorney and have a health care proxy.  These are cheap to do – I bought software for under $100 and made my own, had it witnessed and notarized at the bank for free.  Attorney fees will vary but can be found for ~$100-150.  You never know when it will come in handy. 

Don’t take any chances – do this for your loved ones – get a POA, health care proxy, living will/DNR, and a will.  I don’t care if you don’t have anything to will away, your personal effects have to go to someone.  Most importantly, talk over your wishes with who ever will be your POA and health care proxy.  Don’t think this doesn’t apply to you.  I know an 18 year old who had a heart attack.  If you are old enough to vote, you are old enough to write out your legal wishes.

You need someone you trust to take over your finances and/or health decisions if you are incapacitated (i.e., recovering in a mental or physical health facility).  We all need this – it’s not just mental health or just a physical health issue.  And it’s not for you.  It’s for your loved ones.

 

Mental Hospitals

OK, I have to keep posting or I’ll never get through this.  I went to see my Dad at the mental hospital.  It was kind of scary but not as bad as I expected.  The front desk was all plexiglass with a speaker to talk through and a small slit for passing paper.  I was able to pass his medication bottles through to them and they were supposed to get them to the nurse’s station.  I got a phone call this morning that he has been moved to another facility.  They want to put him on psychotropic drugs, which they needed my permission for.  (Why?)  And why does it take so long for him to see a doctor in a mental health facility?

Argh.  If only I could have gotten him to sign off on power of attorney and a health care proxy before this happened.  I tried but he was too stubborn.  There’s time, there’s time, he would say.  Doctor says I have to live to be a 100.  While he might just do that, what kind of shape will he be in at 100?

I think they told him he had a mental breakdown so that’s what he believes.  I think he had another mini-stroke (maybe not so mini) or a seizure.  He’s lost about the last 10 years of his life.  He doesn’t know where he is (what state) and he doesn’t know how old he is, but he remembers me and his other children.  He remembers the past well, he is just confused about the present.

If he is competent enough to sign a HIPPA release, is he competent enough to sign a power of attorney?  Sometimes I wish I was a lawyer, even though I know I would hate the job.

I guess I need to go now because all I am doing is stopping to pace while I write this.  Stupid me forgot to pack extra Klonopin and it’s catching up to me.  So many things to do and I don’t know where to begin.  Wish me luck.

Dad needs help

My father has suffered some kind of stroke or a break with reality.  They took him into a mental hospital on Saturday.  I flew 1500 miles (OK, I don’t really know how many it was, it’s just a guess but you get the point) and thanks to HIPPA I can’t get any information on him.  I don’t know where he is or what I can do to help. (Sometimes HIPPA sucks.)  I am waiting now for a call back from the hospital.

Worst of all, I tried for years to get Dad to fill out health care proxy forms and durable power of attorney.  Now that I need them, I don’t have them.  I am on his HIPPA release for the VA but that doesn’t give me any rights at any other hospital.  After his 72 hours are up, I don’t know what they will do with him.  For that matter, I don’t know what I will do with him.

I’m a bit nervous about going to a psych hospital.  I’ve never been to one.  DH says it’s just like a regular hospital (his mom used to work at one) but I’ve always been afraid they will lock me up in one.  Fortunately, I’ve only ever been that bad once in my life and I was able to talk my way out of it.

Anyway, just a short note to update you all on my suddenly chaotic life.  Please send good thoughts and/or prayers my way (and Dad’s way).  I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks.

Boston Marathon Bombing

My husband is a runner. He wasn’t at the Boston Marathon, but he is training for a marathon. He would like to run the Boston Marathon someday, as all marathon runners would. He is still determined to run the marathon, but he is concerned about me, as a spectator standing on those side lines in watching for him to cross the finish line.

I admit, I’m a little scared too. The thought that a bomb could go off right next to me, while I’m standing there unobservant, camera in hand, tracking DH’s progress on my cell phone. If we were in Boston, it could have been me.

I’ve been watching the news coverage all day, crying. As of this writing, there are two confirmed deaths, one an 8 year old boy, and well over a hundred injured. It’s horrible.

And the big question is WHY? Runners are generally a friendly group, they help each other out by encouraging one another, helping with injuries, and offering a banana to help recoup. Boston is a high profile race, but the bombs didn’t go off when the first winners passed, they went off at the four hour mark, when your average runner would be passing the finish line.

DH and I are talking about contingency plans. For every major race he runs, we should have a rendezvous point. He should always carry some cash and ID. Near the end of the run, when they started blocking off the street, those runners are running low on calories and water. After his 20 mile run last weekend, had trouble recovering in order to come home because he was weak from energy loss and became slightly disoriented (I imagine it’s like having low blood sugar). After a few snacks at the car and some water, he was recovering and when he made it home, I handed him glass after glass of water, while he munched on anything with carbohydrates. At least with some cash you might be able to find a restaurant to purchase a little food and water to keep your body from going into shock. Imagine how all those runners, so close to the finish line where food and water was waiting for them, were coping with being cut off and no news save the two booms they heard? Knowing there were loved ones waiting for them – somewhere beyond the gate – their bodies giving in to fatigue… this was a hard day for them all.

And likewise, I have to make sure I carry ID and cash. In case something happens, EM personnel need to know that I have medication allergies and a long list of medications I take. I’m lazy about this and I shouldn’t be. I could have a heart attack someday, and be given aspirin just to have my throat close up. I don’t have a med-alert bracelet either because I find them ugly and expensive. (I know, this isn’t an excuse.) I don’t always remember to carry my Epipen either. Really, someone needs to get on my ass about these things.

I’ve digressed from the original topic – the horrible incidents of the day. I don’t live in Boston, I don’t have friends in Boston, but my husband is part of the runner’s world and all I can think of is what if this happens at one of his marathons? It feels like it’s not safe to leave the house anymore.

If this turns out to be another individual with mental illness – real or imagined – I don’t even want to think about what this means to the mental health community.

To leave you on an optimistic note: some of the runners that had already crossed the finish line continued to run to the nearest hospital to donate blood.


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TV

I’ve been watching Castle reruns for nearly five hours now. I saw all the episodes when they came out but apparently I’ve forgotten who done it because most of them I am surprised at the end. The real question is: why have I been watching television all day?

Well, it’s been a crappy day. Not super crappy, just crappy. And tonight is the night my husband works so I am alone. I don’t feel like reading and I can’t sit still at the computer. So I am watching TV.

A lot has happened over the past couple of weeks, from dropping my bitchy therapist to a job interview, the latter of which isn’t looking so good. I have a long to-do list and not much I am doing on it. The car didn’t want to start this morning, so I didn’t feel safe taking it on a grocery run. Yeah, lots of little crap happened today.

I know I’ve been pretty quiet on my blog lately, both this one and my fanfic one. I’ve been feeling lonely on the bipolar front. Would someone email me? Not that it matters, I don’t have anything to say. I am so lucky to have a wonderful husband, but he can’t be my only support. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Wasting time and wasting money.

I guess I’m just feeling a little down tonight. Thanks for reading.