I am feeling overwhelmed by fear at the moment. I have an appointment with the company doctor in the morning, and he will determine if I can go back to work or not. I have doctor’s appointments, hospital appointments, surgery and 5 days of family obligations within the next two weeks. Of course, I could go in and he tell me I can go back to work, then I go and they fire me. That would certainly give me plenty of time for all of these things. My mind is spinning in fear – I don’t know what to do or what to think. I don’t know where my time goes. I am constantly overwhelmed.
And maybe tomorrow is nothing. I did sort of suggest it. I want to be back at work because I can focus on something productive that way. But I am afraid to go because I can not give them what they want – a complete and uninjured me. I am terrified of this upcoming gallbladder surgery and even more terrified at the idea of having my arm operated upon. I am supposed to learn how to control my fear tomorrow in therapy (at least my medical fears). I can’t even write this because I don’t know where to begin nor do I know where I am going.
How does someone as intelligent, educated, and talented (supposedly) end up where I am? And why does it seem to happen to me continually? Is there some fundamental flaw in me? Is it because I am bipolar? Is it bad luck? Is it a combination of some or all of these? Why do I keep finding myself here – at the bottom. My house has depreciated $20k since I bought it three years ago. According to my mortgage statement, it is worth $1000 more than what I owe on it. (Thank you economy – figure out the damn debt ceiling crap before it goes any lower.) I owe less than average on credit cards (~$5k), one car loan, one mortgage, two student loans and I have a respectable (albeit not generous) savings account. So how do I keep ending up here?
OK… it’s an hour or so later than when I started this post and the Klonipin & Lyrica have kicked in. I still feel panicked but like it is from a distance. As if I am sitting here and the panic is attached to a string that is floating around in the wind. It’s there, I can feel it tug at me, but it’s not controlling me. Maybe it’s time for bed now.
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