Anticipated Fear

I am feeling overwhelmed by fear at the moment.  I have an appointment with the company doctor in the morning, and he will determine if I can go back to work or not.  I have doctor’s appointments, hospital appointments, surgery and 5 days of family obligations within the next two weeks.  Of course, I could go in and he tell me I can go back to work, then I go and they fire me.  That would certainly give me plenty of time for all of these things.  My mind is spinning in fear – I don’t know what to do or what to think.   I don’t know where my time goes.  I am constantly overwhelmed.

And maybe tomorrow is nothing.  I did sort of suggest it.  I want to be back at work because I can focus on something productive that way.  But I am afraid to go because I can not give them what they want – a complete and uninjured me. I am terrified of this upcoming gallbladder surgery and even more terrified at the idea of having my arm operated upon.  I am supposed to learn how to control my fear tomorrow in therapy (at least my medical fears).  I can’t even write this because I don’t know where to begin nor do I know where I am going.

How does someone as intelligent, educated, and talented (supposedly) end up where I am?  And why does it seem to happen to me continually?  Is there some fundamental flaw in me?  Is it because I am bipolar?  Is it bad luck? Is it a combination of some or all of these?  Why do I keep finding myself here – at the bottom.  My house has depreciated $20k since I bought it three years ago.  According to my mortgage statement, it is worth $1000 more than what I owe on it.  (Thank you economy – figure out the damn debt ceiling crap before it goes any lower.)  I owe less than average on credit cards (~$5k), one car loan, one mortgage, two student loans and I have a respectable (albeit not generous) savings account.  So how do I keep ending up here?

OK… it’s an hour or so later than when I started this post and the Klonipin & Lyrica have kicked in.  I still feel panicked but like it is from a distance.  As if I am sitting here and the panic is attached to a string that is floating around in the wind.  It’s there, I can feel it tug at me, but it’s not controlling me.  Maybe it’s time for bed now.


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One thought on “Anticipated Fear

  1. I understand the emotional rollercoaster your on. I get that way too. I have been so overwhelmed with fear and worry the last year. I did get fired when I went back to work after a medical leave. My regular dr. put me off work for 3 weeks. He was not nor had any connection to my work injury, it was for a non-related injury that happened a couple years before working for LOWES. However LOWES denied my resonable accomidation to help me work with it. I have never worked for a company like them. The harrassment and hostility I was made to work under nearly drove me to insanity. Constant pain from muscle spasms inbetween my shoulder blades and neck. All I asked for was to be allowed to sit down while I did my sales contracts and estimates. I sold floor covering and each contract could take a hour or more. I was made to stand in front of a computer and the constant holding my arms up with my head bent down to see the screen while inputting detailed measurements and materials. Three times I ended up in the ER with excrutiating pain and needed a couple of shots. When I started there I didnt know this was going to happen to me. My shoulder (collar bone) was healed for about 3 months and I was no longer taking any pain meds, but after a month of hard labor I had to get back on it. Then my dr requested the resonable accomidation and the HARASSMENT began. Then four months later I hurt myself at work. I tried to move a pallet on a cart loaded with ceramic tile with my leg. I pushed it with all my might and shoved my shinbone into my knee joint. The tile did not move at all. I worked on it for two days, it hurt so bad and was so swollen, but I was afraid to let them know I hurt myself. They hated me already, but I couldnt take it anymore.

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