Quietly contemplating

I’ve been very quiet lately. I’ve been contemplating what it is that’s going on in my life. I find that I tend to get very quiet when I am thinking. It’s because I have a hard time concentrating. I confess I am very bad at multitasking.

Sometimes I’m not even sure what I’m contemplating. It’s as if I simply just don’t want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone. I haven’t even been on Facebook much lately. If you knew me better, you’d know that I spend a lot of time on Facebook. Right now I’m not even playing my games. Maybe I’m just depressed. I am trying to check my moods, but it’s easier said than done.

That’s the thing – I don’t know how I am feeling. It’s as if the depression train has slowed down & become clouded – twisted like a Van Gogh painting.

Also, I am incessantly bored with everything. Even things I love are boring. I’m not working on my photos, I am not reading, I’m not doing much of anything.

As for depressing, it’s raining and every body part that has ever been injured hurts. Also, the PC died & our network is down. This post was brought to you by iPhone & 3G.

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7 thoughts on “Quietly contemplating

  1. I went back and read your blogs, Lulu, and I cried. I’ve felt like that before but I don’t think that this is it. I really do think this is the oncoming storm of depression. Have you ever gotten an ache in a joint before a storm? It’s like that only this time it isn’t quietly sneaking up on me, it is barreling down a track radiating awareness and fear as its greeting call. It’s difficult to explain how I know it’s different.

    Thank you for the suggestion and the blog posts. It gave me the opportunity to think about it and contemplate the size of this hill. I think it’s a bit bigger than a mole hill, but hopefully not Pike’s Peak. Maybe the foothills? 🙂

  2. I also get very quiet and my brain – actually my whole body, frequently – feels kind of sludgy when I’m getting depressed. I’m not a great multitasker, unless I’m hypomanic.

    The things that you describe sound very much like adhedonia, and I would guess you’re already starting into depression.

    The good news is, you can stop the train and change its course. Call your psychiatrist now. If you’re taking Geodon, then you should be safe adding a low dose anti-depressant (depending on past reactions to them, if you’ve tried them in the before).

    But the key is to make the call. I think when we’re starting to get depressed, or are there, we either feel like we aren’t worth it, like we’re “bothering” this person whom we pay specifically for situations like this, or we feel like it’s just too much effort.

    Monday, you need to get yourself out of this place, and you can. You’re worth it, damnit! I love you and believe in you and Lulu obviously does as well.

    Keep writing, and keep in touch (I know, I’m a fine one to say that).

    • P.S. You really need to add the email subscription widget. I clicked the “Follow” up at the top of the page, but I’m not getting your posts, not even notifications of them. I try to check in, but things tend to slide off of my plate.

  3. Thank you Ruby, you are very sweet. 🙂 I’ve already been to my pdoc (last week) and we have a game plan. For now, I am increasing my Geodon dose and we will see if that fixes it. If not, then we will add something next time I see her (in two weeks) either lithium or an anti-depressant. I am still sitting in the “mild depression” stage but it does concern me. I’m still pretty functional, at least as functional as someone with two messed up arms can be, and I see the tdoc on Friday. The bad news is that they probably have to operate on my elbow. I don’t know how I will handle that, but I’m out of options.

  4. PS: Most anti-depressants either don’t work or make me manic. Paxil is my favorite – 6 months and I am bouncing off the walls, jumping on the bed, painting the walls at 3am, and scaring the shit out of people in general. Good stuff. But I wonder if having an anti-pyschotic would prevent that…

    • Generally adding an anti-psychotic keeps you from getting manic. Me, I can be on mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics and if I even get a whiff of an antidepressant, I go bats*** crazy.

      Good luck to you, I’m glad you have a plan. And I think I figured out my issue with the subscription thing, we’ll see when you publish your next post!

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