Freak Out

OK, so I haven’t been blogging much lately.  Lots of things going on, and yet, nothing going on.  Same as usual.  I guess.  Well, not exactly.

I’ve been having freak-outs lately (as in 3 in the last 3 days).  It’s never been this bad.  DH says it’s like I was before the diagnosis.  So why isn’t this damn anti-psychotic working???  Or maybe it is, but it’s not treating my freak-outs.  They may be related to depression.  I thought I was over the depression because I was feeling better last week.  I found out that Geodon does act like an anti-depressant because it inhibits serotonin & norepinephrine reuptake, so I thought it was working.  But maybe it’s just not enough.  This week I am back to the same old thing: procrastination, self-recrimination, and a general sense of no self-worth.

Then there are the freak-outs.

WARNING:  I am not suicidal, but there is a discussion about suicide below, so if this bothers you, then abort now!

Now, to explain the freak out.  It’s somewhat complicated and difficult to put into words, but I will try.  DH & I were at the mall.  He wanted to look for new sneakers.  He pointed to the store he was going to look in.  I wanted to look somewhere else first but then I would meet him in that store.  When I went to meet him, he wasn’t in that store.  I called his cell.  He didn’t answer.  I was so angry all of a sudden that I wanted to throw the damn phone down a level, where it would land (coincidentally) in front of the Apple store.  Fortunately, a small bit of logic remained in my clouded mind and I was able to refrain from destroying a $300 phone.  When I finally found him in a different store (we disagree as to which store he had pointed to) I was a snarling, rabid thing.

Last night, we had some kind of disagreement, and I was off reaching for knives and threatening to slit my wrists.  The night before, I stormed out of the house saying that I was planning to go “play in traffic”.  Mind you, I was perfectly fine when I saw the psychiatrist Monday morning.  I had had about 4 or 5 consecutive days of “normalcy”.    I don’t know what prompted this disaster.

How can I describe a freak out?  It’s like there is something inside you that when triggered you just lose it.  You become a wild, mad thing.  It feels as if all of your synapses are firing at once, but none of them in the correct direction.  You can’t slam the door hard enough, you want to crush what is in your hand, scream, cry, rage, slam, punch, kick – you name it – anything to release the energy that is built up inside you.   When it’s over, you feel drained and no longer taut like a bow string about to break.

A lot of times, these outbursts involve suicide threats.  Am I really suicidal?  I don’t think so.  Could I do myself harm in one of these states?  Quite possibly.  This is where you tell me to go to the hospital, right?  It wouldn’t be worth it; by the time I got checked in, it would be over.  These states are very short-lived, typically less than an hour.  Today’s freak-out for example, was only about 10-15mins.

So, I know I have to call my doctor’s office, but I really don’t know what to say.  I’m freaking out, just doesn’t quite seem to cut it.  And how do you explain the situation to a nurse/receptionist in 10 words or less?  I’m at a loss.  But I need something. NOW.

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8 thoughts on “Freak Out

  1. I understand completely. I have the same freak-outs. I was going through some ultra-rapid-cycling problem because of a medication change.

    It’s like I was angry, full of energy and adrendaline, but depressed at the same time. I couldn’t figure it out. We did when I wrote A Mixed Bag?. I thought to myself, “I can’t have mixed episodes. I’m Bipolar II.” Skim the post, but read the comments section. It may be of some use.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon. I ended up doing a hypomanic run after that and I’m mostly OK now. I’m still running a little high, but cross your fingers for me. I think I might come out of this alright, sans the depressive episode that typically follows.

  2. My initial thought is that what you’re describing sounds a lot like severe dysphoric mania – the irritability, hyper-reactivity, the anger, coupled with the depressive threats to harm yourself. I’ve had similar – though not identical – feelings and done things better left unsaid, but in the same vein.

    Unless of course you’re coming off a benzo, but I didn’t think you were taking one. If you are, I can tell you from personal experience that benzo withdrawal is a feeling almost spot on to that which you’ve described, only it comes on slowly and lasts a lot longer. So, in case I missed it, any benzodiazepines in the picture?

    Much luck with your doctor and talking to the nurse, and keep us posted. Thanks for letting us know that you’re still around, I was starting to worry. 😉

  3. Thank you so much ladies for your insights. I feel better knowing that I am not alone in this particular brand of suffering. I almost wonder if it isn’t a combination of the two situations, as I had about a month of non-mania and a week of stability before all of this happened. I’ve never kept track of the freakouts – but I was having some in early August (see my post: You don’t understand). They also vary widely from temper-tantrums to please put away the knife.

    It’s always stress-triggered. I don’t feel it coming. I may be edgy, or become edgy because of a stressful situation, but suddenly a trigger is struck and *BAM* I am off on the charts. The only word I can use to describe it is wild. A wild animal.

    I do take Klonipin, Ruby, but it’s not from that since I have been having these freakouts for years – long before I was ever diagnosed and long before I ever took Klonopin. However, you mentioned medication and that makes me wonder if the way I am taking Geodon is having an effect. Since I can’t guarantee that I can have a 500 calorie meal in the morning, I take a large dose at night which is supposed to carry through the day. If that’s the problem, then I’ll have to figure out how to take it twice a day. With the full meal requirement, I’m not sure how I will do that.

    I’ll try my doctor tomorrow and see where we go from there. Thanks for the help. 🙂

  4. Pingback: Road Rage Patient | Manic Monday

  5. Although you seem to have the link thing figured out, I wanted to give you the easy way I use, just in case.

    Remember that little “Press This” applet we talked about? You can use that as well, and depending on how you’re writing your post (Visual or HTML), you can just copy and paste what shows up in the “Press This” box (it has an option for Visual or HTML as well).

    I just don’t quite have the mad coding skills Lulu does, so I thought I would share how I do it. 😀

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