First of all, I need to send out a huge THANK YOU to Ruby & Lulu for your support on my last post Freak Out, which encouraged me to call my psychiatrist (pdoc) today. I even got in to see her today! Since she just saw me on Monday, she looked a bit confused when I walked in the door, but then I got to tell her my story. The appointment was really helpful and I ended up with a prescription for my favorite pill: Paxil. But first, let me give you a rough idea of how the conversation went (paraphrased by my memory, of course).
Me: This is embarrassing.
Pdoc: I’m your psychiatrist.
Me: Are you going to lock me up?
Pdoc: No. I’m not on staff at the hospital.
Me: (This is where I broke into tears and told her about the three freakouts I had this week.)
Pdoc: How long do they last?
Me: 15 min to an hour. No real warning, just BOOM.
Me: It’s like a temper tantrum.
Pdoc: That’s exactly what it is.
Me: But I have no control!
Pdoc: Welcome to bipolar.
So as it turns out, I am suffering from dysphoric mania (a mixed state) just as Ruby identified. Pdoc wants to give the Geodon more time to work (it can take months to reach the full effect of the medication) but we added the Paxil to address the depression. So all of these years when I thought that I was some kind of weird ultra-rapid cycler (like days or less), it turns out that I have been in these mixed manic states. I’ll tell you now, for the record, dysphoric mania sucks BIG TIME. Where is my happy mania? Where are my beautiful, tumbling words, dancing through my head? My charming laugh, my winning smile, collecting admirers by the mile?
I warned my pdoc that Paxil would make me manic (happy manic!) but she said that we would watch for it. Hopefully Geodon will prevent me from going full-on manic and with the Paxil will bring my moods into a more even state. Also, I will be on a very low dose. Something to get me back into life. I told her that I hadn’t been doing any of my favorite activities: no reading (books or blogs – sorry everyone), no writing or blogging, no photo stuff, I don’t even check my email very often, if at all. I go to doctor’s appointments, some mindless shopping – buying clothes & shoes I don’t need, and I watch a lot of TV. I’m resting, I’m getting well. No, no part of me is getting well. But that’s a different post.
Apparently I am one of my pdoc’s “road rage” patients. The kind of individual who suddenly gets furious (due to a trigger) and is out of the car and banging on it before they even know what’s happening. Yeah, this is why I don’t own a gun. I went shooting once. It was great fun. But I can never, ever own a gun.
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