I have a date for the surgery on my elbow: Nov 10th. I’m not looking forward to this – I’m not sure my medical PTSD is actually made any better by repeated exposure to hospitals. I am better than I used to be. There was a time when I couldn’t walk into a hospital. I’m used to going to the ER at my local hospital in the wee hours of the morning. They are actually not too busy then and the nursing staff is quite nice. (Last time I had a really hot male nurse- woo! 😉 ) But back to surgery… that’s a whole different ball game. Based on previous experience, I don’t seem to react well to anesthesia. And I certainly don’t react well to pain.
This new nurse, the one for the surgeon, is not nearly as supportive as the one for the specialist. I was trying to schedule my surgery date and she said she could fit me in next week, but when I told her I wanted November, her attitude changed rapidly. I didn’t tell her this, but I have a wedding to go to and I have worker’s comp doctor appointments and I just can’t handle that much medical all at once. Then she starts asking if I’m working, and why not, and I’m trying to explain it to her – it’s political – etc. “We usually don’t do paperwork if your employer takes you off work.” So I’m trying to explain that it’s a requirement by my employer that I have paperwork and her tone keeps getting snottier with every question. I finally just asked her to talk to another nurse, the one who works with the specialist I’ve been seeing, because she understands the situation. By the end of it, this nurse was snarling and I was so rattled that it hadn’t occurred to me that the simple explanation is: I have work restrictions but my employer does not wish to accommodate them. That’s why I’m not at work. Why can’t they just look at my damn chart?
This new nurse probably figures that I am just trying to get out of work. Part of me is, I suppose, but mostly, I’m just trying to get to a point where I can deal with the surgery emotionally. Should I call her back? Should I change it? Should I explain it in a letter submitted with the paperwork that I am going to drop off? I don’t know. My brain is going to explode.
But they don’t want me back to work until I am 100%. And then I am sure they intend to torture me with tasks that require a lot of manual labor. They tout safety but they don’t mean it – it’s more get the job done and if someone gets hurt, let’s sweep it under the rug or pretend it’s their fault. That happened the first time I was hurt at work. The head of safety was so pissed that I submitted it as an incident that he said further incidents should be reported to him first before they go into the system. What the fuck? (Please pardon my language.) If they hadn’t been pushing me to violate my work restrictions, then I wouldn’t have gotten hurt in the first place. And if you get hurt, well, they will find a way to toss you into the bottom 10% and put your job in jeopardy.
I had such a nice weekend – the Paxil is finally starting to work – and now this. I’m so upset that I took a Klonopin and I haven’t done that in days, maybe even a week. The only good thing about today is that I get to see my councilor tonight. God, I wish I could get drunk.
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