Call me a cynic, but I don’t know if 2012 will be much kinder to me than 2011 was. I hope so, but I’m starting off with depression.  Whether it’s just the post-holiday blues or something more sinister remains to be seen.  I picked up my last round of medications on the 31st and two of them were free.  Geodon is not free.  It’s a brand-name.  This means I met my maximum out of pocket for the year.  That’s $8,000 in medical expenses. It was nearly that in 2010.  If I lose my job, I lose health coverage – then where will I be?

I was thinking yesterday about my situation.  I have been out of work on disability for 6 months now.  What have I done with that time?  Did I find a new job? No. Did I read? No. Did I do any of my favorite hobbies? No. Did I study my field in order to keep my brain active? No. Did I even write? Not really. Only these sporadic posts. I sat on my ass and watched TV.  I did a lot of worrying. Fought depression and anxiety with mostly losing results. I got my brain (somewhat) in order, I had my gallbladder removed, my left wrist mostly healed, and I let them operate on my right elbow.  I went to a lot of doctor’s appointments and physical therapy.  I paid a lot of money in medical and I’ve got a lot more yet to pay.

Today I tried to take stock of our finances.  It’s depressing to see how much we spend on things.  Yes, I have disposable income.  The sad part is how much of it I dispose of.  I spend when I’m manic/hypomanic, I spend when I’m depressed, I spend when I’m bored or stressed, and then I have horrible buyers remorse afterwards. I try to rationalize: It was a good deal, it was only 5/10/20/50 dollars, etc. But those small numbers add up.  And someday that may mean the difference between paying the water bill or not.

By the way, did I mention my house needs repairs & updating?  I hate home ownership.

I hate harping on finances, but I am really scared.  I’m scared of losing my job, even if I don’t like it.  I’m afraid of what losing my job would do to me psychologically.  Last time, I almost committed suicide. If I lose this job, what will happen to me this time?

Ah well, time to take a Klonopin and toast the new year.  May 2012 be a kinder, gentler year for all of us.

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