Call me a cynic, but I don’t know if 2012 will be much kinder to me than 2011 was. I hope so, but I’m starting off with depression.  Whether it’s just the post-holiday blues or something more sinister remains to be seen.  I picked up my last round of medications on the 31st and two of them were free.  Geodon is not free.  It’s a brand-name.  This means I met my maximum out of pocket for the year.  That’s $8,000 in medical expenses. It was nearly that in 2010.  If I lose my job, I lose health coverage – then where will I be?

I was thinking yesterday about my situation.  I have been out of work on disability for 6 months now.  What have I done with that time?  Did I find a new job? No. Did I read? No. Did I do any of my favorite hobbies? No. Did I study my field in order to keep my brain active? No. Did I even write? Not really. Only these sporadic posts. I sat on my ass and watched TV.  I did a lot of worrying. Fought depression and anxiety with mostly losing results. I got my brain (somewhat) in order, I had my gallbladder removed, my left wrist mostly healed, and I let them operate on my right elbow.  I went to a lot of doctor’s appointments and physical therapy.  I paid a lot of money in medical and I’ve got a lot more yet to pay.

Today I tried to take stock of our finances.  It’s depressing to see how much we spend on things.  Yes, I have disposable income.  The sad part is how much of it I dispose of.  I spend when I’m manic/hypomanic, I spend when I’m depressed, I spend when I’m bored or stressed, and then I have horrible buyers remorse afterwards. I try to rationalize: It was a good deal, it was only 5/10/20/50 dollars, etc. But those small numbers add up.  And someday that may mean the difference between paying the water bill or not.

By the way, did I mention my house needs repairs & updating?  I hate home ownership.

I hate harping on finances, but I am really scared.  I’m scared of losing my job, even if I don’t like it.  I’m afraid of what losing my job would do to me psychologically.  Last time, I almost committed suicide. If I lose this job, what will happen to me this time?

Ah well, time to take a Klonopin and toast the new year.  May 2012 be a kinder, gentler year for all of us.

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One thought on “2012

  1. If you look at it sideways, starting the New Year with depression is a good start. By relative comparison, it’s only up from here, right? I know there’s always that chance of maybe not. Try not to think of that. Just look at the top of that majestic mountain and think of the day you’ll have your foot planted firmly on the very top!

    I hate finances, too. It’s scary to look at all of the dollar signs flying out the door on necessities. I try to put it in this perspective. Has there ever been a time I ended up in a bind I couldn’t manage? C.S and I were both in a terrible spot last November when we had both been unemployed for two months. We were literally running out of food. T.D was fine and well fed. We both became employed. It took awhile, but we straightened everything out.

    Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And you’ve got way more than will! Even if the worst of the worst happens, you will be able to navigate through it. Best of all, you don’t have to go it alone! All of your faithful readers will tred along with you!

    You have done so much during this time. Healing. That’s what you’ve been doing. I know a lot of people don’t seem to think so, but healing takes a lot out of a person, physically and emotionally. It’s been a hell of a year!

    Nowhere to go but up! A toast (of soda, LOL) to you!

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