Two hands

I saw the doctor for my 2 month checkup. He said I could start incorporating typing and writing back into my routine. I’m still off work for another month so I can rebuild my stamina. (If the nurse can get her act together with my paperwork.) So hopefully in another month I will be ready to go back to work with all the joys (thick sarcasm here) that will bring.

The last two months have felt like forever. The first night after surgery when the nerve block wore off and the Percocet wouldn’t kick in… Hours of agony. I thought it would never end. My arm swollen beyond its bindings, the wrap cutting into my flesh leaving angry red marks along my skin. Ice only providing the slightest amount of relief from the swelling. Percocet helped with some of the pain, but the swelling and pinching were beyond it. My fingers even went numb and tingling because the circulation was cut off.

After those first eternally long ten days, they took off my wrappings and I was afraid to move my arm. I cradled it like a newborn, complete with a sense of awe and terror. I was in awe that it was still there, and terrified I would never recover my range of motion. I was afraid to look at my scar, an unwelcome reminder of how much I’ve endured over the past two years medically. I have more scars than some people have tatoos. Maybe I should get some of the latter to go along with the scars. They say it won’t hurt nearly as much as the pains that earned all these scars.

So here I sit, just over two months later, and wonder why I’m still having so much difficulty. Maybe I baby my arm too much, wanting to make sure I don’t re-injure it (again), but it does give me a fair amount of grief. For example, PT told me to go ahead and try baking. So I made a batch of cupcakes. By the time I finished making the frosting, I wanted to cry. I could not frost them without help. Even then, it was three days before I recovered. I was writing the other day, just after I got permission to do so. Two days of recovery. How on earth would I have been able to work like this? I am so glad the doctor agreed to another month.

I grow so weary of hearing the doctors say, “it’s just takes time” or “it’s just biology”. Maybe so, but I am frustrated with my recovery process… Both the left and the right. Will I ever be whole again?

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