Did I get up?

One of my goals while I am fighting this depression is to force myself to do things that feel like so much effort. Like getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Washing my hair (and it’s short). It may sound strange that taking a shower is such an effort when you aren’t physically disabled. (I’ve got the arm issues but they don’t prevent me from taking a shower.) So anyway, yesterday I decided that sleeping 11-12 hours a night is absurd when there’s no physical reason for it. I set my alarm for 9:30 am. My phone went off at 8:30 with a reminder call about my therapist appointment tomorrow (boy do I need that!) and I should have been able to get up then – I’d had 8 hours. I dozed until my alarm went off. Then I turned it off.

So, did I get up? No. I didn’t get out of bed until 11:30. AGAIN.

My days are filled with nothing. I lie in bed and worry about so many things – work, money, health. I do nothing to aid my situation. My therapist once asked me to write out why I procrastinate. She asks, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Probably what’s already happening. Somehow results by default because of inaction work for me in a sense, but it’s in a bad sense. When it’s over, I just think, “This was my fault. The result of my inaction. I deserve this.” So it all comes down to self-punishment.

I had the exterminator come over today and look at our door. Yes, we have termites. $1200 to fix/prevent the problem from returning. Lifetime guarantee, transferable to the next homeowners. He was very surprised that we have them at all since our neighborhood is usually clean of them. Lucky, lucky me.

I HATE HOME OWNERSHIP!!!

All I wanted was a new kitchen.

Maybe I should have stayed in bed all day.


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5 thoughts on “Did I get up?

  1. The thing that helps me the most when I’m feeling that way is to make just one small achievable goal, and if I do nothing else, getting that one thing done makes me feel like the day isn’t a total loss. It sounds like you’re trying to take that approach, but maybe it’s not rewarding enough in itself. What’s the reward for getting up or showering? Forcing yourself to do something is never very rewarding, so of course it’s hard to do! But maybe if you get up and shower in order to do something you might like a bit better – get a fancy coffee or take a short walk somewhere you haven’t been in awhile – perhaps that would give you a bit more reason to do the stuff you have to force yourself through.

    That sort of thing works for me, but I know how incredibly hard it can be to get there, especially when nothing seems enjoyable. I hope you can find a strategy that helps you through these times.

    • Good ideas that I am trying to implement (see Four Things) but it isn’t enough. There isn’t anything that I want bad enough to get up and go through the motions of daily activity. (Except maybe Skyrim.) I’ve even dropped my four things routine. This depression is horrible. It’s usually not this bad, although I can think of a few times it has been. I’m still fighting, which is the main point, I think.

      Thanks for your support. 🙂

  2. Showers are more physical work than people think. When I was pregnant, I got to the point where I couldn’t stand to shower. I could hardly lift my arms to wash my hair. Eventually, I cut it all off because I couldn’t care for it anymore. That was sad. I liked my long hair.

    Then, there’s the task of getting dressed. That’s a whole other sack of potatoes.

    Anyhow, you do what you need to do. Maybe a personal project will stimulate some ambition. I’ve been trying to meet my goal of creating 5 things from instructables.com. I created two over the weekend. It was fantastic! I can’t stop looking at my handiwork. It’s really satisfying!

    • My psychiatrist and I talked about this today. She said that showers are a lot of work for someone who is depressed. (i.e., it’s a common complaint) She’s trying to get me involved with things – telling me I need to walk, check into yoga, etc. Just keep moving. Walking is a lot harder than you think (a topic for today’s post) when you are depressed. I’m afraid of starting a blog project because what if I don’t do it one day? Then I’ll feel like crap for having failed on a commitment. 😦

      • I started “The 30 Days of Truth” and knew that it would take me several months to complete. No biggie. It’s not an every day thing. They are just prompts to get you started and a project to look forward to!

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