I feel as though I am walking on the edge of a knife. My temper is short, but I am containing it, keeping it under a false smile. Simmering, I can feel the rage building in my head, waiting for an outlet. The right trigger at the wrong time. Dsyphoric mania here I come. Clenching my fists, squeezing my eyes shut tight, biting my lip, counting to ten. Keep the lid on the pot, now is not the time. Never is the time, but right now is really not the time.

I’m supposed to go back to work this week. I have to be in control. I can’t get a straight answer from anyone – who is supposed to tell me when I can go back? If I can go back? Why can’t I work up the courage to call a lawyer? I can do a lot of things now. It’s time. I hate to admit it, but it’s time. I hate working; I hate not working. I hate having everything up in the air. The penny has to fall.

To make matters worse, my husband is sick. We don’t know why or how. It started two weeks ago – nausea & other digestive issues along with pain. Pain where your vital organs are. The gallbladder is already gone so what’s left? Not good. Scary. Doc gave Aciphex but it’s not fixing the problem. He’s in pain and he’s constantly exhausted and I don’t know how to help him. He won’t let me take him to the ER. I can’t lose my husband. I won’t survive. I can’t. He is the other half of me. The only one who can put up with my crazy moods, who supports me no matter what, who knows how to make me laugh and how to calm me down. I’m so dependent on him, sometimes I can’t even make simple decisions on my own.

All of this is building. Time is ticking. I am trapped within my own mind. Building, building, building. I can’t do what I need to do because I am constantly on edge. This razor-sharp knife edge. Keep the lid on. Hold on tight. This will not be a fun ride.

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7 thoughts on “Simmer

  1. Hold on! I know you can!

    Good luck with work. And, do you hate working as much as you hate the place you work and who you work with and for? I’m starting to see a pattern, and I don’t think it’s you. I really think it’s them that distresses you to this point.

    And your husband being sick doesn’t help matters. I don’t know about you, but my husband is my rock. When there is something wrong there, I am turned on my head. Men are so stubborn. Force him in the car with your good arm and get him scanned. But seriously, I want you both to be well.

    What’s the lawyer for? Did I miss something?

    • No I don’t actually hate working, I hate working in this group. I would love to be in a different group. I even have one picked out. 😉 I could be so happy in this other group – I get along with them, we laugh and work at the same time – it’s just politics trapping me where I am now. Damn politics.

      Yes, it is them that distresses me this much. DH says I am really easy to work with until my buttons are pushed and once they are, I can be a terror. (Not his words, but you get the idea.) I work well with most people – just not narcissistic bullies and their henchmen.

      DH has been to the doctor’s office once, but he downplays his symptoms to them. I can’t do much more. I would love to go with him to the next appointment but if I am back at work, it wouldn’t help to go running off for two hours in the middle of the day, my first or second day back. But being so exhausted that you are sleeping 18-20 hours a day is NOT right. Pain whenever you move is NOT right. And I really don’t think another round of proton-pump inhibitors is going to help. I think he needs bloodwork and either an ultrasound or MRI. But what do I know? I’m just the one who’s been through hundreds of tests, bloodwork, and the like. But he exaggerates his condition to me, and understates it to them. What am I to do?

      • Has he ever had an endoscopy? I had one after developing duodenal ulcers in my early 20s. Also, is he just going to a primary or to a specialist? It sounds to me like perhaps a gastroenterologist should be involved.

        Just thoughts.

      • No, none of that is right at all. I don’t know much about medicine in terms of diagnosing conditions, so I can’t help here. It scares me to death when men do that. My father almost died by “being a man about.” He was always sick at home, talking of digestive problems, but hardly said a word. He didn’t even get the results back from his stress test before he was rushed into the ICU to have a quadruple bipass.

        I have to get pushy with C.S. He wants to run off to this specialist in a diffferent county for a candidtis rash, but he still has yet to go to an opthamologist to make sure he isn’t developing glaucoma. Ugh.

        I know your hands are tied. So, the best you can do it play Bad Mommy (like I have to do sometimes) and make the orders clear. Either that, or get on the phone with his doctor personally and have a chat. I don’t know if you guys have it set up this way, but my husband and I have HIPPA releases signed at each office.

        As for work, I knew you were going to tell me that you like work. And I know about office politics. That’s why I can’t handle an office. Is there any way you can go to the other team?

  2. I know you are in an unstable place right now. Try to take each thing as it comes. Your husbands health is the most important thing right now. I will be praying for his health. As for work. You go what you can when you can.

  3. Oh, honey, I am simmering there with you – you described it absolutely perfectly – though with me it’s more anxiety and PTSD than dysphoric mania.

    Your husband will be okay. I know that he will be okay because he has to be okay. I have someone like that in my life:

    “The only one who can put up with my crazy moods, who supports me no matter what, who knows how to make me laugh and how to calm me down. I’m so dependent on him, sometimes I can’t even make simple decisions on my own.”

    When the anxiety takes over, when I think of losing that person, I become hysterical and paralyzed. But there are so many answers for your husband, so many things that can be dealt with and solved and he will be healthy again. Men suck when it comes to getting them to seek for medical help. But he will, hopefully soon, if for no other reason than he loves you and he knows how upsetting his illness is for you.

    As for work. . . Deep breaths. You are absolutely right that the ride will not be fun, but you are so strong, Monday, you will make it through. I know you will.

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