My emotions have been all over the place. My friend Lulu wrote a wonderful piece on ultradian cycling. Perhaps I am ultradian cycling? I don’t know. My mind is everywhere and no where. I am excitable one minute, sad and sedate the next. Usually cloaked in fear. What am I afraid of? Everything. Nothing. The inevitable. The unknown. The known.
My last paycheck is Friday. No one has called me about returning the company laptop or for an exit interview of any kind. Maybe they are just going to forget about me? My name will be quietly removed from the organization chart, my email address frozen, my badge rendered useless. Forgotten, forgotten… I’ve been forgotten and ignored for the past 10 months. You would think that if they are so anxious to be rid of me, then they would want to schedule an exit interview and get all their stuff back.
Why did I take the company laptop home with me? Well, we all do when we expect to be working from home. I expected myself to work from home. I wanted to keep in touch with what was going on at work. I was angry and didn’t want to take leave. I like working. I didn’t like who I had to work with, and half of my job sucked, but the other half was awesome. Amazingly cool things to discover and be a part of. Customers I will miss. People I will miss.
When I left, I didn’t realize the extent of the damage done to my wrist. I didn’t know that I wasn’t going to be able to work from home. I honestly and truly thought I would call in for conference calls. Until I found out that I shouldn’t be doing that. I had planned to check emails. But my supervisor put out the word that I was not to be emailed. Silence falls.
I stopped checking my email. I stopped caring as I slid into depression, spiraling downward along my own path to darkness. Meanwhile, work went on. Emails, company announcements, reorganization. FMLA (3 months) ran out. I was replaced. Now they no longer have a position for me. I’m dismissed.
Now that I’ve been fixed – physically and mentally – I’m dismissed. Oh, and they chopped my bonus by 20% too indicating that I was ranked in the bottom 10% of the pool on my performance review. How could they even rate me? I was in the office for only 5 months, only two of those did I have a performance agreement for. How can you accomplish any long-term goal in two months? The last conversation with my supervisor was positive – about how things were getting better. And then…
Forgotten except for the paperwork. Called a liar for sticking up for myself. Filing for Worker’s Comp. All the things you should never ever do in the corporate world. Big companies are very different than small companies. Both suck in their own way.
Maybe I should have told them I am bipolar. Maybe I could have fought for discrimination. No, those things never work. Big companies with big lawyers win. Little companies with palms to grease, win. People like us, lose.
I don’t know when they will call me in to return the laptop, to return the library books, to return the SecureID. It’s kind of like a divorce. You know it’s coming, it’s just a matter of when will the paperwork filed and it becomes final?
Just waiting in limbo…
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