New Position

My new position is: job hunter.  That’s right, corporate politics win again.

I’ve procrastinated on writing this for a while.  I have only shared this news with a few select friends and no family.  Basically, I’ve been kicked out of R&D – I can still look other places within the company, but I only have until March 30 to do that.  Otherwise, I’m on my own.  I haven’t checked to see if I qualify for unemployment, but I think I do.  Right now, all I can think of is how I can keep my foot in the door.  I’m working my network as best I can.

I’ve been going through so many internal changes over the past 10 months.  I’d like to have a job that I enjoy, but I realize that’s asking a lot these days.  I really don’t want to move – I like my house, I have friends, and I have great doctors.  I just wish I could have kept my mouth shut about a lot of things at work.  Work life goes so much smoother for you if you keep your head down.  As a friend of mine said, as soon as you stick it up, someone will chop it off.

I’ve been through a lot of emotional upheaval lately.  Anger, depression, anxiety, self-blame.  I’m still fighting these emotions.  I have no legal recourse; I’ve already investigated that route.  All I can do is try to keep going forward.

I met my pdoc the other day and she decided that we shouldn’t change my medicine with so much else going on in my life.  I see her again in 2 weeks, but what happens then?  How does COBRA work?  I can’t even get the paperwork until after the 30th.  What happens if I need to see a doctor during the month of April?  So many things to figure out.

She did have some very nice and supportive things to say.  Then she firmly stated, “I mean every word of it.  I don’t say things I don’t mean.”  She has the kind of demeanor that brooks no argument. My therapist tried to say the same thing today but either she’s not as believable or she just doesn’t express it as well.  I feel like she is someone paid to be my friend.  I miss my old therapist.

However, I’m pretty sure I won’t have mental health coverage after the 30th, unless I pull off this little miracle of finding a new job.  So my therapists met as a group: my original one (owner), my current one, and a new girl in the office.  What they are offering me is free counseling with the new girl if I lose my job.  (Otherwise, I’ll pay to see my old counselor once she returns from maternity leave.)  One thing about living in this area is that people are nice and supportive if they know you.  Like anywhere else, we range from really rude to really supportive, but honestly, how many are willing to give you free service because you are down on your luck?  Like my hairdresser who shampooed my hair for free when I was recovering from surgery?

Anyway, that’s why I’ve been so quiet lately.  I’ve been working on the job thing, and ashamed to tell people that I’ve lost my job.  Every day is a new battle: a battle to get up, to take a shower, to push myself to pursue leads, to keep my head above water and not let the current of depression and hopelessness drag me under.

It’s a really tough fight.