New Position

My new position is: job hunter.  That’s right, corporate politics win again.

I’ve procrastinated on writing this for a while.  I have only shared this news with a few select friends and no family.  Basically, I’ve been kicked out of R&D – I can still look other places within the company, but I only have until March 30 to do that.  Otherwise, I’m on my own.  I haven’t checked to see if I qualify for unemployment, but I think I do.  Right now, all I can think of is how I can keep my foot in the door.  I’m working my network as best I can.

I’ve been going through so many internal changes over the past 10 months.  I’d like to have a job that I enjoy, but I realize that’s asking a lot these days.  I really don’t want to move – I like my house, I have friends, and I have great doctors.  I just wish I could have kept my mouth shut about a lot of things at work.  Work life goes so much smoother for you if you keep your head down.  As a friend of mine said, as soon as you stick it up, someone will chop it off.

I’ve been through a lot of emotional upheaval lately.  Anger, depression, anxiety, self-blame.  I’m still fighting these emotions.  I have no legal recourse; I’ve already investigated that route.  All I can do is try to keep going forward.

I met my pdoc the other day and she decided that we shouldn’t change my medicine with so much else going on in my life.  I see her again in 2 weeks, but what happens then?  How does COBRA work?  I can’t even get the paperwork until after the 30th.  What happens if I need to see a doctor during the month of April?  So many things to figure out.

She did have some very nice and supportive things to say.  Then she firmly stated, “I mean every word of it.  I don’t say things I don’t mean.”  She has the kind of demeanor that brooks no argument. My therapist tried to say the same thing today but either she’s not as believable or she just doesn’t express it as well.  I feel like she is someone paid to be my friend.  I miss my old therapist.

However, I’m pretty sure I won’t have mental health coverage after the 30th, unless I pull off this little miracle of finding a new job.  So my therapists met as a group: my original one (owner), my current one, and a new girl in the office.  What they are offering me is free counseling with the new girl if I lose my job.  (Otherwise, I’ll pay to see my old counselor once she returns from maternity leave.)  One thing about living in this area is that people are nice and supportive if they know you.  Like anywhere else, we range from really rude to really supportive, but honestly, how many are willing to give you free service because you are down on your luck?  Like my hairdresser who shampooed my hair for free when I was recovering from surgery?

Anyway, that’s why I’ve been so quiet lately.  I’ve been working on the job thing, and ashamed to tell people that I’ve lost my job.  Every day is a new battle: a battle to get up, to take a shower, to push myself to pursue leads, to keep my head above water and not let the current of depression and hopelessness drag me under.

It’s a really tough fight.


8 thoughts on “New Position

  1. Keep on fighting the good fight! I know it’s trite, but I really think everything happens for a reason. You were so miserable there. This might be your opportunity for a clean break! I really think that there’s something great around the corner. Now, getting to turn that corner, well, you’re a scrapper. You can do it!

  2. I am so sorry that you are wading through the bitter disappointments of an imperfect system. A dear friend once wrote that to me; I think her words apply well to your current situation.

    All I can really think to do is to offer you empathy and my unconditional support. And for what it’s worth, I am certain that you will win, Monday.

  3. What a lousy situation – I hope things turn a corner for you soon.

    COBRA lets you keep your current insurance, you just have to pay a lot more for it. I’ve done COBRA when I went from a full-time job to a job elsewhere where I wasn’t eligible for benefits because I was part time. I think there might be a limit on how long you can do COBRA but if you don’t have something else lined up right away, it’s worth it – you don’t want to end up having bipolar considered a “pre-existing condition” and staying insured helps dodge that bullet. Ask your HR people now – they can probably help you get it sorted pretty easily. Your insurance will typically last a little longer than the employment does.

    • HR wasn’t much help, but at least they pointed me in the right direction – to the Benefits department. I intend to investigate that next week. There are so many things to do and I’ve just been concentrating on my network this past week. I’m running out of branches though, and it’s Spring Break next week, so lots of people will be out of the office. Oh well, you do what you can, right?

  4. Pingback: Flood | Manic Monday

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