This isn’t about a true flood with 16″ of water or anything, but it is about my house and even an inch of water is too much in my opinion. We live in a ranch house on a concrete slab foundation so there isn’t a basement or crawl space to fill up with water. Our backyard is sloped, and during a heavy rainfall the water runs like a river along the side of the house. Whatever genius designed this house, made the back patio slightly sloped as well, so that the water pools at the back door and along the back of the house.
At first we thought it was just because we didn’t keep the gutters clean enough. So when it happened last night, DH suited up in his rain gear and went out back to check. Gutters clean, water everywhere. Mostly seeping through the back door. Some of it seeps through other places too, but mostly it’s the back door. The previous owners had landscaped the backyard so the water would run around the house, but we’ve gotten such harsh storms since we’ve lived here that I think all their landscaping has washed away. If we continue to live here, we will probably invest in French drains, but I don’t even know if that would work. Personally, I would like to flatten out the back yard and put in a retaining wall. But that might get washed away too. Who knows?
I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. Between my job, Goldie, and now the flood… I know I’m strong, but there are limits. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel like there is chaos in my mind, but not a manic kind of chaos. Everything is mixed up: self-loathing & self-punishment, fear, stress, frustration and a weird sort of calm (stability?) or perhaps that’s just resignation. All swirling together. Wanting to get out and leave my mind blank. Quiet. Peaceful.
I keep thinking I could have done better at this job, I could have been a better cat-parent, I could have been looking for a job these past 10 months, etc. But really, could I? If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you probably noticed that my early blogs contain a lot of pain and anger. That’s no place to be when looking for a new job. Right now, I just want someone to tell me what to do. I’m lost and I feel like my mind is exploding, the emotions and synapses bouncing off the walls of this thick skull of mine.
My mind is not racing like mania, as I might expect from being in this situation. I’m mildly depressed, but not severely. Again, surprised. My medications must be working, as expensive as they are ($1500 for Geodon without having met a deductible for a 3-month script). I’ve met my deductible for the year now, I wonder if that starts over now with COBRA? Boy, would that suck.
I’m trying to stock-pile my medications now while I know I still have insurance. I’ve got 3-6months on most things. Some of them are cheap even without insurance (like blood pressure) so I will be OK on that. It’s my estrogen (will probably have to switch to a pill), Lyrica, and Geodon that are going to kill me over the coming year. Geodon is now generic, but not much cheaper than the brand name, and won’t be for a while.
If any of you are religious, please say a prayer for me. I’m afraid my life may require more strength than I have.
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