Becoming a Hermit

I think I am becoming a hermit. I don’t want to leave the house much anymore. I am terrified I will run into someone from work. Then they will want to know when I am coming back, etc. and the truth hurts: I’m not. I won’t even go into the bank because they are kind and considerate and will ask how I am doing and when I can go back to work. Same thing. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I won’t do any grocery shopping during evenings or weekends – same reason. I can’t work my network to find a job for the same reason.  So I sit here and surf every relevant employment site and apply to things online, just so I won’t have to leave the house.

This is not healthy, I know.  And it’s not a good way to find a job.  Only 10-20% of jobs come from online applications.  80% come from networking.  I can’t work up the courage to network.  I would have to admit that I failed.  And truly I did fail at my last job.  Yes, I had to work with lunatics.  But since two other (supposedly sane) individuals appear to be able to work with said lunatics, it must have been me.  I know there are things I could have done better, and I might have fired me too – although more likely I would have moved me out into a different group where I wouldn’t have such conflict.  Personality conflict.  How did I resolve it?  By getting angry, defensive, and cowering.  Allowing it to eat me up inside.  It has never been resolved.

I needed to take steps to preserve my mental health and my physical health long before I ever did.  There’s no reason why work should have given me nightmares three times a week, or triggered my PTSD, or made me afraid.  I am responsible for not seeking help.  For not standing up for myself in an appropriate manner.  For allowing those SOBs to get to me.  I felt tortured.  I couldn’t do my job.  And so I failed.

And knowing I failed is what brings the shame.  And the shame causes me to become a recluse.  So how do I fix this?  How do I overcome my fear and self-loathing, my embarrassment, my shame?  How do I become the person I need to be in order to find a job and be a productive member of society again?


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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