I think I am becoming a hermit. I don’t want to leave the house much anymore. I am terrified I will run into someone from work. Then they will want to know when I am coming back, etc. and the truth hurts: I’m not. I won’t even go into the bank because they are kind and considerate and will ask how I am doing and when I can go back to work. Same thing. I am embarrassed and ashamed. I won’t do any grocery shopping during evenings or weekends – same reason. I can’t work my network to find a job for the same reason. So I sit here and surf every relevant employment site and apply to things online, just so I won’t have to leave the house.
This is not healthy, I know. And it’s not a good way to find a job. Only 10-20% of jobs come from online applications. 80% come from networking. I can’t work up the courage to network. I would have to admit that I failed. And truly I did fail at my last job. Yes, I had to work with lunatics. But since two other (supposedly sane) individuals appear to be able to work with said lunatics, it must have been me. I know there are things I could have done better, and I might have fired me too – although more likely I would have moved me out into a different group where I wouldn’t have such conflict. Personality conflict. How did I resolve it? By getting angry, defensive, and cowering. Allowing it to eat me up inside. It has never been resolved.
I needed to take steps to preserve my mental health and my physical health long before I ever did. There’s no reason why work should have given me nightmares three times a week, or triggered my PTSD, or made me afraid. I am responsible for not seeking help. For not standing up for myself in an appropriate manner. For allowing those SOBs to get to me. I felt tortured. I couldn’t do my job. And so I failed.
And knowing I failed is what brings the shame. And the shame causes me to become a recluse. So how do I fix this? How do I overcome my fear and self-loathing, my embarrassment, my shame? How do I become the person I need to be in order to find a job and be a productive member of society again?
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