I decided to partake in this week’s photo challenge, which calls for a picture taken today. It doesn’t have to be fancy but should represent some aspect of your life. And, as things are going downhill again, I thought this photo would be an excellent example of the current state of my life.
What you see here is the garden in the front of the house. Notice how it is overgrown with weeds due to neglect. Much like the rest of my life. I’ve got no excuse; I have plenty of time these days, but I don’t do things. You should see the massive pile of mail (junk & bills) accumulated on my dining room table. If I wanted to cut myself some slack, as my therapist suggests, I could say that this garden mess is a result of 90 degree days. But why can’t I get up in the morning and do it before it gets hot? Because I am depressed and sleep 10-11 hours a day. You see, I have all these excuses. I don’t know how my arms will react to weeding either — they are untried. (Obviously.) But fear is just another excuse. I’m good with excuses and guilt. I have all of these excuses and then make myself feel guilty for using them. How’s that for a vicious cycle?
I neglect so many things in my life. If it weren’t for DH, I wouldn’t have clean dishes or clean laundry. As it is, I am neglecting some personal grooming (TMI coming up); I don’t take a shower every day, I don’t wash my hair every day, I don’t even brush my teeth every day. I neglect tracking my blood sugar. I haven’t filled my meds organizer in weeks and rely on this rusty memory of mine to keep track of the meds I take every day. I don’t even do things I like such as editing photos. (This is why I started the 30 days of Creativity project to force myself to do it.) When I go to bed, I am either exhausted (from doing what?) or I can’t fall asleep. I just want to curl up and become invisible. I am neglecting myself as well as the outside world.
I wish I knew what to do to kick myself out of this cycle. A little hypomania would be good right about now. Although with my luck, it would be dysphoric. 😦
I need to work on my chore-reward system. But how do you do that when everything is a chore and nothing is a reward?
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