Weekly Photo Challenge: Today

I decided to partake in this week’s photo challenge, which calls for a picture taken today.  It doesn’t have to be fancy but should represent some aspect of your life.  And, as things are going downhill again, I thought this photo would be an excellent example of the current state of my life.

Neglect

What you see here is the garden in the front of the house.  Notice how it is overgrown with weeds due to neglect.  Much like the rest of my life.  I’ve got no excuse; I have plenty of time these days, but I don’t do things.  You should see the massive pile of mail (junk & bills) accumulated on my dining room table.  If I wanted to cut myself some slack, as my therapist suggests, I could say that this garden mess is a result of 90 degree days. But why can’t I get up in the morning and do it before it gets hot?  Because I am depressed and sleep 10-11 hours a day.  You see, I have all these excuses.  I don’t know how my arms will react to weeding either — they are untried. (Obviously.)  But fear is just another excuse. I’m good with excuses and guilt.  I have all of these excuses and then make myself feel guilty for using them.  How’s that for a vicious cycle?

I neglect so many things in my life.  If it weren’t for DH, I wouldn’t have clean dishes or clean laundry.  As it is, I am neglecting some personal grooming (TMI coming up); I don’t take a shower every day, I don’t wash my hair every day, I don’t even brush my teeth every day.  I neglect tracking my blood sugar.  I haven’t filled my meds organizer in weeks and rely on this rusty memory of mine to keep track of the meds I take every day. I don’t even do things I like such as editing photos. (This is why I started the 30 days of Creativity project to force myself to do it.)  When I go to bed, I am either exhausted (from doing what?) or I can’t fall asleep. I just want to curl up and become invisible. I am neglecting myself  as well as the outside world.

I wish I knew what to do to kick myself out of this cycle.  A little hypomania would be good right about now. Although with my luck, it would be dysphoric. 😦

I need to work on my chore-reward system.  But how do you do that when everything is a chore and nothing is a reward?

 
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7 thoughts on “Weekly Photo Challenge: Today

  1. I completely hear you on the neglecting of things. My house is a mess. For the last five years, I hardly touched my couple little garden beds. Now I’m trying to fight back years of entrenched weeds. It takes a lot of diligence to keep up with those buggers! I like to pull weeds late in the evening when it’s cooler out.

    My hubby takes care of dishes, laundry, and critters. I couldn’t keep up. I can’t manage my household stuff plus my work. Which tells me I need to work harder on that whole work/life balance thing.

    The only advice I can offer is to do one little thing. Just make one goal, say, 10 minutes of weeding, and do whatever you must to get that one thing done. You will feel tons better about having done anything at all. And I find that once I get into the task, I keep going. 10 minutes of weeding turns into 20 or 30 and then the whole garden bed is cleaned out, and I feel like I really accomplished something because I exceeded by modest goal.

    By the way, weeding isn’t particularly hard on the arms or hands. It’s my back that hurts after a lot of garden work – all that bending over. You can get a cheap little foam kneeling pad for doing garden work to spare your back a bit. Or just plunk down on the ground and get closer to nature. 🙂

    • You are so efficient DeeDee, you really are an inspiration to me. I saw your post on this theme and you get so much done every day! Your job is demanding, and you are lucky to have a great husband that helps so much around the house. I am lucky to have a great husband who helps to pick up the slack too. My problem is that I am becoming overwhelmed by depression again, and it is taking all my energy just to look for jobs. I read the blogs and write mine (sometimes) and that’s about it. I’ll try your suggestion on my dining room table. I’ve developed a fear of the mail over the years because it’s just bills and junk mail. Bad things come in the mail. I don’t like bad things. 😦

      • Well, I get a lot done on some days. Enough to make up for the rest, I guess.

        And then there are days like today. Could hardly get out of bed, want to crawl right back in, terrified of even trying to start my work for the day, full of guilt for all the things I’ve not been doing, even though I’ve been doing my best to get things done… Mood score dropped about 30 point over the last few days, no idea why, other than anxiety and stress kicking back up.

        That’s the hand we’re dealt, right?

  2. So sorry to hear how you’re feeling.
    You know the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same things but hoping for a different outcome? So… TODAY is the theme – and the start of whatever comes next. Get out of the house, walk someplace new, see a movie – anything different. It’s worth a try,

    • I have washed my hair every other day for years – since I started coloring it. Most hairdressers will tell you that it is bad for your hair to wash it every day. When I told my pdoc that I don’t shower every day, she said that she thinks most people shower way too often. (I was concerned when I saw her one time and had gone 4 days without a shower, but she said she’s had patients that go for weeks without a shower or bath. I can’t imagine that!) I have an appointment with her this week, so maybe she has something else up her sleeve that help with the depression.

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