Mixed Up Again?

WARNING: Possible triggers (suicide)

I wanted to get back to my mental health posting, as that is what this blog was originally about, but I’m not sure where to go with it. I posted the gory view of my inner soul on Friday. But Friday was some sort of ‘episode’ (mixed episode maybe?) that I should discuss with my therapist & pdoc.

Friday didn’t end with my post. It was a long, dull evening and even DH was quiet around me. Finally, I couldn’t take the silence anymore and I put on my shoes and stormed out of the house. I didn’t even bother with my phone so I would be on my own if someone or something attacked me. But I didn’t care. I was too wrapped up in pain and fury to worry about it. I walked over two miles before I made it back home. The whole time, I was trying to rationalize suicide and develop a plan. Don’t worry, I haven’t come up with one that I like so I’m not in trouble yet.

But there is so much anger in me right now, which makes me think I may be going through a mixed state. The past two days have been better, but I am still quick to temper, as I’m sure DH has noticed. I feel like I am never going to work again and I don’t know what we will do. I’m angry about losing my job, about the abuse I put up with, about everything. I am especially angry that they questioned my scientific integrity and called me a liar. All when I wasn’t there to defend myself. I needed to be out on mental health leave long before they ever put me out for physical reasons. And for that, I am angry at myself. I had the tools, I just didn’t use them. I didn’t seek professional medical health when I needed it most.

Depression and anger. They say that depression is anger turned inwards. I have to accept responsibility for not doing something when I needed it most. For allowing them to get inside my head. Now I have to work through the rubble that is the aftermath. Lesson learned – don’t trust your coworkers and seek professional help. DH says I need to learn to let go of the guilt because guilt is a useless emotion. He’s probably right. He usually is about these things.

Now I have to decide (and quickly) if I want to go to this conference. Pros: it may lead to job contacts and there will definitely be networking opportunities. Cons: It will be expensive (probably close to $1000) and I will run into Dr. B and his protege. I don’t know if I can handle the latter and still act professionally. Or handle it emotionally. There is also no guarantee that the networking will lead to anything. It’s a very small conference (only a few hundred attendees) and last time I was there (2 years ago) there was only one job posted that I would qualify for. So this is a topic for this week’s therapy session.

Anyway, I just wanted to fill you all in on what’s happened since Friday.


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6 thoughts on “Mixed Up Again?

  1. Anger at oneself is a seriously glass cannon situation. When the cannon is aimed inward, it’s double the destruction with twice the fragility.

    You are not clairvoyant. There was no way for you to have predicted any of this. No one could have. It is not as if you naïvely stepped into a blatant trap. Do not beat yourself up over that situation. It is not your blame to carry.

    And as for seeking professional help, this is how I see it. We, as humans, all watch each other grapple with difficult situations. And we, as a species, like to set the measure against another. I’ve often looked around myself and thought, “If so-and-so can do it, why can’t I?” And each time I come up short, I see it as some inherent flaw in me that makes me inferior.

    Thd truth is, when we compare ourselves to others, it’s apples to oranges to watermelons to cantelope. The only thing they all have in common is that they are all fruit. So, the comparison doesn’t stand. It begs the question, where do we draw the line between difficulty and dysfunction?

    This is the point. We don’t. You aren’t a mental health professional, therefore, there was no way for you to realize that the whole thing was disorder. You cannot shoulder that blame.

    • I had a mental health professional tell me that I was responsible for allowing it to happen. I have to accept some responsibility. I did allow myself to become paralyzed with fear. I did allow it to creep into my real life. I didn’t seek the help I needed to keep that from happening. But they do bear the brunt of the responsibility for laying the trap. I am just too trusting and too concerned about what others think of me so I fell into the trap. Dr. B is a classic narcissist. He must have done something to save the company from something big at one time so that he hasn’t been fired. He is supposed to retire this year. If only I could have held out for one more year. (Of course, I don’t think he actually will retire, that personality type doesn’t if they can get away with it. He’s just been threatening to retire so he can leave the company in the lurch for all the torment he’s suffered over the years. Oh woe is him!)

      But back to me… you’re right, I do tend to think if someone else can do it, why can’t I? I need to learn to cut myself some slack there.

  2. It cut me off. I wasn’t done.

    Anyway, you can’t shoulder that blame. It was the road you had to travel. And in my honest opinion, do you think it would have done you any good to work for these monsters in the long term?

    They did you a favor. They gave you an out and led you to a diagnosis. Try to think of it that way.

  3. If I could have learned to separate work from self, yes, I could have continued to work there. But I don’t know if I am ready for that even now. So maybe, no, long term it wouldn’t have worked out. Unless I could have just held on until the worst monster of all retired. Even after only 6 months, I was writing in my journal about “the triangle of insanity”. (Because there was more than one monster there.) It was a crazy place – big corporation with small town gossips. Whoever said that words can’t hurt you lied. Slander is a great weapon.

    They did me a favor in that it led me to treatment – I already had the diagnosis. I did pick up a couple of more diagnoses to go with it though. It’s hard to think of it as a favor when I’m pulling money out of my limited savings account to pay my mortgage. 😦

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