WARNING: Possible triggers (suicide)
I wanted to get back to my mental health posting, as that is what this blog was originally about, but I’m not sure where to go with it. I posted the gory view of my inner soul on Friday. But Friday was some sort of ‘episode’ (mixed episode maybe?) that I should discuss with my therapist & pdoc.
Friday didn’t end with my post. It was a long, dull evening and even DH was quiet around me. Finally, I couldn’t take the silence anymore and I put on my shoes and stormed out of the house. I didn’t even bother with my phone so I would be on my own if someone or something attacked me. But I didn’t care. I was too wrapped up in pain and fury to worry about it. I walked over two miles before I made it back home. The whole time, I was trying to rationalize suicide and develop a plan. Don’t worry, I haven’t come up with one that I like so I’m not in trouble yet.
But there is so much anger in me right now, which makes me think I may be going through a mixed state. The past two days have been better, but I am still quick to temper, as I’m sure DH has noticed. I feel like I am never going to work again and I don’t know what we will do. I’m angry about losing my job, about the abuse I put up with, about everything. I am especially angry that they questioned my scientific integrity and called me a liar. All when I wasn’t there to defend myself. I needed to be out on mental health leave long before they ever put me out for physical reasons. And for that, I am angry at myself. I had the tools, I just didn’t use them. I didn’t seek professional medical health when I needed it most.
Depression and anger. They say that depression is anger turned inwards. I have to accept responsibility for not doing something when I needed it most. For allowing them to get inside my head. Now I have to work through the rubble that is the aftermath. Lesson learned – don’t trust your coworkers and seek professional help. DH says I need to learn to let go of the guilt because guilt is a useless emotion. He’s probably right. He usually is about these things.
Now I have to decide (and quickly) if I want to go to this conference. Pros: it may lead to job contacts and there will definitely be networking opportunities. Cons: It will be expensive (probably close to $1000) and I will run into Dr. B and his protege. I don’t know if I can handle the latter and still act professionally. Or handle it emotionally. There is also no guarantee that the networking will lead to anything. It’s a very small conference (only a few hundred attendees) and last time I was there (2 years ago) there was only one job posted that I would qualify for. So this is a topic for this week’s therapy session.
Anyway, I just wanted to fill you all in on what’s happened since Friday.
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