Wow. All I have to say is wow – and not a good wow either. I told DH, “I was about as eloquent as a bull in a china closet.” I specifically did not take my Klonopin because I wanted my head to be clear, but I guess I should have taken it. Maybe things would have gone better. I took my Straterra – I was focused. My mood has been better since the weekend, so I’m pretty stable. I just stumbled everywhere. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t express my passion for teaching. I forgot all my analogies, all my anecdotes, all my stories that make me special and a great candidate.
Bomb. It was like I was a third person watching myself fail. I didn’t feel like I was failing, I was just watching it. My words, where were my words? I can tell you now how I keep in touch with some of my former students and I see the impact I had on their life and it makes me proud. Why didn’t I tell them that? My brain simply closed the doors to that knowledge. I felt so empty-headed. Like staring around you at an empty ballroom. I would start answering a question and then the words stopped flowing. Ending up with ‘uhm’ and ‘that sort of thing’ trailing off to silence. I have so many good things to say, why didn’t I say ANY of them?
I probably sound like I am beating up on myself but I’m not. I’m just frustrated. I’m wondering to what corner of the universe the language centers in my brain escaped. Sometimes I stopped myself from saying something that could have been negative, but applying the brakes to any thought process seemed to cause a shutdown of all communication skill. I could hear the seconds tick by as I raced through my mind, looking for something relevant to the add, something to finish the sentence with. Gone. Empty. Not even crickets chirping.
I don’t know if I will get called in for a face-to-face interview or not. I should know by the end of the week. But this time, I’m not counting any chickens. Hell, there’s no chickens to count – they flew the coop.