My best friend is a Cop

My best friend is a Cop.  You wouldn’t know it to look at her.  She is a pretty blue-eye blond lady in her mid-twenties.  She is one of the sweetest people I know.  She always says sorry for things that aren’t her fault, and she’ll do anything she can to help you out.

But there is another side of her.  The cop side.  A side I’ve never really seen.

She took me to a movie tonight called End of Watch.  If violence triggers you, then DO NOT GO SEE THIS MOVIE.  If, however, you can handle the violence (or cover your eyes like I did at some points) then it’s a very good movie. And from what my friend tells me, pretty realistic.  People really do some crazy shit.  I don’t know if most cops swear that much.  I can’t imagine the f-word coming out of her mouth every sentence or so, but this movie is based on LAPD, cops who work some the most gang-infested areas of the country.  There’s probably a little more f-bombing there than in small town middle-America.

I know she carries a concealed Glock when we go out to the mall or to dinner.  I just don’t think about it.  She even stopped by my house one time in her uniform (not dress blues) with full gear on – vest and a Batman-like belt containing a walkie-talkie, gun, flashlight and who knows what else.  Knowing it was her was a little less intimidating than being pulled over by a police officer for speeding.  (I am very easily intimidated by people in positions of authority.)

I confess I was a little freaked out by the movie.  Seeing it on the big screen means it’s big and bold and in your face.  The entire movie is shot as if it was done by a video camera.  In fact, the premise is that one of the cops is videoing everything for a class project he’s working on.  But the movie makes you think about what our policemen and policewomen go through each and every day.  It might be a boring day of writing tickets, or you might find yourself discovering a dead body or a meth lab.

I told her afterwards that I am afraid for her.  She said not to worry, she is Orozco (played by America Ferrera) the tough, street-wise police woman who knows how to handle herself.  I should also tell her that I am proud of her for putting up with the strung-out druggies, and locking away the bad guys.

I am proud to call her my best friend.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Solitary

Solitary
(c) Manic Monday 2012

This week’s Photo Challenge is Solitary.  I thought about all the pictures I have of people in solitary situations, but I decided upon this one because animals can be solitary as well.  This is a poison dart frog at the local zoo.  If you are lucky enough to see the little critters, they are often times alone (except during mating season).

Solitary is often considered to be a sad situation, but that it not necessarily so.  This little guy is probably quite happy that he (or she?) doesn’t have to share the rock with other frogs.  Sitting on a rock, staring off into the sunset or whatever happens to be before you can be quite relaxing.  So next time you are feeling solitary and sad, just think of this little frog. 🙂

Image captured at ISO 200, f6.3, 250mm, 1/60s

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The Equinox and The Moon

I couldn’t have described it better. Thanks to Barefoot Baroness for this lovely post.

Happy Equinox!

Barefoot Baroness

Image Credit: Dan Bush of Missouri Skies

Shine on, shine on harvest moon

Up in the sky,

I ain’t had no lovin’ Since January, February, June or July

Snow time ain’t no time to stay Outdoors and spoon,

So shine on, shine on harvest moon,

For me and my gal

~ Shine On Harvest Moon By Nora Bayes and Jack Norworth (1903)

Traditionally in skylore, the Harvest Moonis the full moonclosest to the autumnal equinox. In 2012, for us in the Northern Hemisphere, the autumnal equinox comes on September 22. The full moon for us in the U.S. will come on the night of September 29. That makes the September 29-30 full moon the Harvest Moon

Harvest Moon is just a name.  It’s the name for the full moon nearest the autumnal equinox. In the Northern Hemisphere, you’ll always see the Harvest Moon in either September or October.  In the Southern Hemisphere

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Anxiety Attack

I’ve been filling out forms (7 pages worth) in order to try to qualify for mortgage reduction based on my unemployment status. It’s been difficult to do. Not only is it difficult to find all the numbers I needed (I’m horribly disorganized) but it’s been emotionally difficult. And of course, I berate myself for not looking into this sooner.

I finished the paperwork yesterday. I thought about emailing it, but I couldn’t figure out (I suppose I could have called again) how to send it with signatures, although I suppose I could have scanned it in. There’s also a website called Homeowner Connect where you can electronically submit through them, but then I had to go through and figure out how much I owe on my student loans, credit cards, etc. and I just couldn’t go through all that after filling out the first set of paperwork. Besides, I was already pre-approved by my mortgage company so I thought I should follow their instructions.

Anyway, I went to Staples to try to fax it. I couldn’t do it. I counted the number of pages total (including documentation of my unemployment status) three times. I filled out their little half cover sheet. I even got as far as putting the number in, but I couldn’t send it. I got filled with anxiety. I walked around the store and tried to calm down. I tried calling my husband so he could talk me down, but he didn’t answer his phone. I finally just left. I couldn’t handle it.

Staples probably thinks I stole a fax thing. I don’t know, I just couldn’t handle it. I came home and told DH that I couldn’t do it. He asked why. I yelled at him: I just couldn’t!  I took another Klonopin (1/2 pill).  I’ve been crying practically since I got home.

I feel like a failure.  I have to ask for help with my mortgage.  I can’t even go and send a simple fax.  I am so disorganized that I can’t even find stuff when I need it.  Everything feels so expensive.  I’m a wreck.

DH has gone now to fax the paperwork.  He’s going to do the simple thing that I couldn’t do.  Why am I such a loser?

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

3AM

And she screams and her voice is straining
She says baby
It’s 3 am I must be lonely…
3am, Matchbook Twenty

It’s nearly 3AM and I’m feeling lonely. I tried sleeping but that didn’t work so I took a second dose of Klonopin. (Yes, that’s double the dose.) I’m wound up and I can’t put my finger on it.

I have to admit, I’ve fallen off the stable wagon. I didn’t want to admit it. I function well enough – if you call it that. I didn’t buy the shoes even though I had a couple of chances.  As Ruby put it, I should be proud of myself for that.

I don’t know what put me into a tailspin tonight.  I think it was reading some blogs that I’ve been trying to catch up on.  I came across one that made me sad when I know it was meant to make me happy.  I just feel so down tonight.  I don’t feel like I’m at the cool table but rather still at the invisible table.  I was at the cool table when I was manic and smart, and pretty, and all around cool.  Now I’m depressed and sitting alone at the invisible table, writing and crying at 3am.

I’m not blaming the blog in question – it really was meant to be a happy blog.  Maybe it just triggered some bad memories for me.  Like when I thought I was sitting at the cool table and I wrote a very deep, heartfelt note to one of my fellow tablemates, only to have it read out loud while the entire table jeered me.   It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Or maybe I feel lonely because I’m not as popular as a lot of the other blogs I read.  Some of us started at the same time, yet I’ve only got a fraction of the number of followers.  (However, I am grateful for each and every follower!)

Or maybe the events of earlier today made me feel worse than I originally thought.  I don’t know.  But it’s 3am and I must be lonely, because I don’t know what else it is.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Unhelpful Employment Office

I shouldn’t be too hard on the lady, she really is trying to help.  Maybe there is a grain of truth to things, which is making me feel uncomfortable.  Let me start over.

I’ve been working with this nice lady from the employment office, who I will call Carol.  She is very perceptive and a bit of a counselor.  Her job is to help people find jobs.  She teaches a class on job hunting (it was a requirement for me to take it) and one of the things they talk about is going door to door with a resume in hand meeting receptionists and finding out about the company, then leaving your resume with them.  There’s a story about an IT guy who lost his job and found a new one within three weeks by going door to door. (So to speak.)  She’s telling me to do this too.  Right.  When I have a very specialized background?  She also said that I need to focus my job search in order to focus my resume.  She’s not going to help me with my resume until I can determine what fields I want to focus on.  I feel helpless.  If I knew what the hell I wanted to do, wouldn’t I be doing it?

Research: yes, I enjoy it, but do I love it?  No, love is too strong a word.  Am I any good at it? Yes and no.  I’ve always been good at some aspects of it but poor at other aspects of it.  I’m not a good organizer and sometimes I have trouble thinking outside the box.  Yes, seriously, a bipolar who can’t think outside the box.  I get curious about things, but then my curiosity fades and I’m bored.  (I am so easily bored.)  I don’t know if I am really any good at research or not.  I love analyzing data and looking for trends, which then lead to answers.  Is that research?  Yes, but you need to have an idea to explore in the first place.

College Teaching: yes, I enjoy it, but I don’t always have the answers.  Students expect that you always have the answer for things.  It took me years to make my intro courses into something I could be proud of, but my upper division courses were always a mess.  I couldn’t even follow things in the textbook – it was worse than being a student the first time through.  How did I get my PhD in the first place?  It must have been a miracle.  I’m doubting my teaching skill as well.  I went to Rate My Professor .com and looked up my scores.  Pretty sad. 😦  Well, sad for someone who really cares about what they are doing.  I got an overage average score of 2.5/5.

I’m not going to find a job teaching now, we’re well into the fall, so that’s irrelevant.  I thought about high school and Carol asked me why I hadn’t applied for my teaching certification.  She pointed out that there must be a reason.  I didn’t tell her this, but yes, there is a reason.  I’m terrified.  I’m afraid I will do it and get the job and discover that I hate working with children/young adults.  She suggested that I try substitute teaching.  It’s $60 for the background check and fingerprinting.  It pays $50/day.  So two days worth of work and I have paid for the background check.  I guess it’s worth applying.  It would at least tell me if it’s a job I would enjoy, tolerate, or utterly loathe.

I mentioned putting on weight.  She said “you know the solution to that, don’t you?”  Get up early, go for a walk, etc.  It will help with the depression, give you more energy, blah, blah, blah.  Like my problems with depression are going to be solved with a walk every morning?  If that were the case, I wouldn’t be on Paxil, Lamictal and Geodon.  And even then I’m still struggling.  No, she doesn’t know the details.  And bipolar is one big detail.

I know she’s trying to be helpful, but telling me about her life and how she tries not to let her impending divorce get her down doesn’t make me feel any better.  I feel worse.  She has a full-time job, kids to raise, etc.  I have none of that and I still can’t get it together.  Tomorrow is another day was her message.  What I hear (emotionally) is that she can do so much more in her day than I can do in mine.  Just writing this post has taken me nearly an hour and I haven’t even started editing yet!  I’m so slow at everything, which is why I don’t work well in a fast-paced environment.  (Although, believe it or not, I do type relatively fast and with two hands!)

So why am I writing all this tonight?  It’s not to bash the nice lady at the employment office.  She means well.  And I think door to door resume submissions might work for some people, but won’t work for me.  I don’t want any of the jobs I’ve already had.  I don’t know what I want.  Maybe it’s time to start my own business, except I don’t think I could handle that either.  What I do know is that my last job was a mistake (except financially) and I should listen to my instincts in the future.  Unfortunately, my instincts aren’t talking right now.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Shoes

It was a late morning and I was kinda grumpy because of doing some job submission stuff so DH & I decided to go to the $2 movie theater this afternoon. We saw The Avengers again, just because it’s an awesome movie.  So awesome that the DVD is on my birthday wish list instead of DH’s Christmas list.

So we stopped at the mall and did a little looking around.  I found this immense sale on high quality shoes so I played around in the shoe department while DH went to the men’s section.  It’s a good thing that I didn’t have my purse with me because I might have come home with a hundred dollars in sandals!  I found these adorable Jessica Simpson heels (for $35) that make me about 5″ taller so I would tower over my husband but they look so sexy (IMHO) and a pair of Born sandals (for $30) that were so comfortable they wanted to come home with me, except that they looked a bit like something my mother might have bought.  And a pair of open toed black pumps with bows that are way more comfortable than the ones I bought for that stupid job interview.  Surrounded by inexpensive, high quality shoes! I was having a lot of fun!  I was thinking that I might even have to convince DH to buy a pair for me!

DH finished his shopping and was sitting in a chair texting.  I walked over and asked him what he was doing.  He was messaging a mutual friend of ours about how many hours he could work and how much he would make working at the store she manages.

WHAM!  Reality check.  Here I wanted to buy shoes and jewelry and the only reason I was resisting was because I hadn’t brought any form of money with me, and he’s been looking for a second job.  He’d started talking about it, but I didn’t realize he was serious or at least it didn’t hit me he was serious until then.  It felt like ice water splashed in my face.  He offered that we go back and buy the $10 pair of silver earrings I liked because they were affordable, but I said no.  On our way out, we had to walk past the jewelry store, the one where my birthday presents usually come from, and I stared at all the beautiful emeralds, rubies, sapphires and diamonds in the window.  No sapphires for me this year.

I’m so used to pretty things now.  I don’t need them.  I just want them.  And when I get a little hypomanic I have no restraint.  Until I lost my job, I thought nothing of dropping $80-100 on a good pair of shoes.  No more.  I’ll have to make due with my worn out Chucks and whatever else is lying around the house.

I don’t need shoes or clothes right now (so long as I don’t put on more weight).  It’s just the urge to buy.  Retail therapy to make myself feel better.  ‘Cause I feel pretty crappy.  And worst of all, I feel horrible that DH feels like he needs to take on a second job.  Second worst of all, is that he is more likely to be able to get a second job than I am to get a first job.  How sad is that?

I’ve got three more months of extended unemployment benefits, then we are really in trouble.  I’m trying to rework my mortgage based on my unemployment status.  I try to keep politics out of my blog, but I have to thank the current political administration for the extended unemployment benefits and homeowner assistance programs.  But time (money) is running out for me.  I don’t know what to do next.  😦

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Missed Again

Missed arrow

I confess, I had another job interview a few weeks ago. I didn’t tell anyone about it (well, only 2 or 3 local friends) because I (superstitiously) thought that if I didn’t tell anyone and no one crossed their fingers for me, that it might actually work out. I was wrong. Maybe I needed the finger crossing after all.

I found out about the job because of friend of mine works there.  She told me that her boss was saying I was at the top of her list (for at least a week) but then her boss clammed up about the job search.  I think that was the point that I was no longer at the top.  I found out today for sure (from my friend) that I didn’t get the job.  They gave it to a guy.  The office is mostly female, so I wonder if the person in charge was encouraged to hire a male for the position.  The vicious part of me hopes this guy doesn’t work out.  They’ve already gone through two people for this position in the last year and a half.  Maybe that’s a sign that it wasn’t the right job for me anyway.

I’ve got another lead, though it might not work out.  It’s kind of stretching what I know, but it’s worth a try.  Hell, most anything is worth a try.  My dad suggested McDonalds… so maybe not anything.  Starbucks has crossed my mind, but I don’t know how well I would do at a food service job.  It might send me over the edge again.  I have thought about a bank teller job.  Counting out money all day long – go me.  There’s nothing wrong with these jobs, except that I have a fucking PhD and I’m so over qualified for most things that it isn’t funny.  Walmart isn’t going to hire a PhD, not that I’d want to work there anyway.  My options are so slim.  No, I need a new field.  How do I go about doing that?

The work environment of my last job was so horrible that it cost me my mental health.  I still feel like a failure because I couldn’t handle it.  I know that most people couldn’t handle those personalities but that doesn’t make me feel any better.  I was feeling abused there and it triggered all sorts of PTSD for me.  I needed out, just not the way it was handled.  I needed to look for a job so much sooner.  See how I can berate myself for everything?

Anyway, that’s the latest in my unemployment saga.  I hope something else comes along soon.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.