Slipping Gears

I feel like I am slipping gears here.  I can tell by my shower rate.  (This may be TMI, so feel free to skip ahead if you like.)  Anyway, I don’t take a shower every day – usually.  It’s hard to get up the motivation for something as simple as a shower.  Well, I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to impress, so what’s the point?  May as well save the water bill and stretch the soap.  I talked to my pdoc about it, and she said that showers are a lot of work. She also said she thinks people take showers too often. I inferred that meant it was OK not to shower every day.  But sometimes 2, 3 even 4 days go by with no shower.  It’s bad when your husband needs to stress that you take a shower because you smell.  (I warned you about the TMI!)  So my shower rate is a guide to my depression levels.  There are other clues too like my frequency of posting (you may have noticed this) and my desire to work out.  (Which always prompts a shower!)  But I’ve not worked out in two weeks now. My new-found muscles have probably faded away by now. 😦

As for the reasons, well, obviously the unemployment is hard on me.  Job hunting is frustrating.  It’s a real blow to your self-esteem to keep interviewing and failing.  I know I shouldn’t look at it as failing, but it feels like failing.  Maybe there are candidates out there that are more qualified than me, but it hurts every time I get turned down for something.  Take the last job interview, where I didn’t even hear back from them!

It’s all a waiting game for me.  Waiting to hear back from applications, waiting for the right job to come along, watching my rainy day fund (savings) go down the drain as it seems to be constantly raining.  No, I shouldn’t say that – things could be worse.  I could be racking up tons of medical bills at the same time, so thank God that isn’t happening.  But there is a constant drizzle – this unemployment saga.

Technically, I’ve run out of unemployment benefits.  Thanks to the Obama funding, there are extended unemployment benefits available.  My state has an overall low unemployment rate (6%) so the tier 2 and tier 3 benefits are gone, but at least there is still the tier 1 extension.  So long as I am approved for that, then I can keep collecting my $300 a week, which stretches our budget significantly.  The biggest bill we have is our mortgage at almost $1600 a month.  That mortgage bill wasn’t bad when it was only 25% of my income, but it’s quite a drain now.  We will definitely have to sell the house in the spring.  I just hope there are no major repairs that need to be done.

So you are probably tired of hearing about my showers and my job hunt and my income woes, but I haven’t got much else to talk about.  I could tell you about my Skyrim characters but I don’t know that would be interesting to most of you either.  (Takers anyone?)

Writing all this down does help.  I don’t journal so this blog is all I’ve got.  I’ve tried to journal (I know it would be good for me) but I just can’t keep up with it.  I know that it would be great to have a record of my life, but I only write when I’m stressed or really need to express something.  I’ve kept a lot of old emails, mostly from manic or mixed episodes that have negative experiences associated with them, that I should purge from my life.  I keep them because they are a record of where I’ve been.  I don’t read them, but maybe I should.  I think that now that I am on proper medication and fairly stable that it is a time for reflection.  But then again, I’m slipping gears, so maybe I’m not ready yet.

A beautiful post on World Suicide Awareness Day.