Slipping Gears

I feel like I am slipping gears here.  I can tell by my shower rate.  (This may be TMI, so feel free to skip ahead if you like.)  Anyway, I don’t take a shower every day – usually.  It’s hard to get up the motivation for something as simple as a shower.  Well, I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to impress, so what’s the point?  May as well save the water bill and stretch the soap.  I talked to my pdoc about it, and she said that showers are a lot of work. She also said she thinks people take showers too often. I inferred that meant it was OK not to shower every day.  But sometimes 2, 3 even 4 days go by with no shower.  It’s bad when your husband needs to stress that you take a shower because you smell.  (I warned you about the TMI!)  So my shower rate is a guide to my depression levels.  There are other clues too like my frequency of posting (you may have noticed this) and my desire to work out.  (Which always prompts a shower!)  But I’ve not worked out in two weeks now. My new-found muscles have probably faded away by now. 😦

As for the reasons, well, obviously the unemployment is hard on me.  Job hunting is frustrating.  It’s a real blow to your self-esteem to keep interviewing and failing.  I know I shouldn’t look at it as failing, but it feels like failing.  Maybe there are candidates out there that are more qualified than me, but it hurts every time I get turned down for something.  Take the last job interview, where I didn’t even hear back from them!

It’s all a waiting game for me.  Waiting to hear back from applications, waiting for the right job to come along, watching my rainy day fund (savings) go down the drain as it seems to be constantly raining.  No, I shouldn’t say that – things could be worse.  I could be racking up tons of medical bills at the same time, so thank God that isn’t happening.  But there is a constant drizzle – this unemployment saga.

Technically, I’ve run out of unemployment benefits.  Thanks to the Obama funding, there are extended unemployment benefits available.  My state has an overall low unemployment rate (6%) so the tier 2 and tier 3 benefits are gone, but at least there is still the tier 1 extension.  So long as I am approved for that, then I can keep collecting my $300 a week, which stretches our budget significantly.  The biggest bill we have is our mortgage at almost $1600 a month.  That mortgage bill wasn’t bad when it was only 25% of my income, but it’s quite a drain now.  We will definitely have to sell the house in the spring.  I just hope there are no major repairs that need to be done.

So you are probably tired of hearing about my showers and my job hunt and my income woes, but I haven’t got much else to talk about.  I could tell you about my Skyrim characters but I don’t know that would be interesting to most of you either.  (Takers anyone?)

Writing all this down does help.  I don’t journal so this blog is all I’ve got.  I’ve tried to journal (I know it would be good for me) but I just can’t keep up with it.  I know that it would be great to have a record of my life, but I only write when I’m stressed or really need to express something.  I’ve kept a lot of old emails, mostly from manic or mixed episodes that have negative experiences associated with them, that I should purge from my life.  I keep them because they are a record of where I’ve been.  I don’t read them, but maybe I should.  I think that now that I am on proper medication and fairly stable that it is a time for reflection.  But then again, I’m slipping gears, so maybe I’m not ready yet.


13 thoughts on “Slipping Gears

  1. I can relate as well – to the exercise, shower, and especially to the job interviews. I have a job now, but I went through what seemed like dozens and dozens of interviews before I got offered a job. Those rejection letters suck. The last one I got, my husband threw it in the fireplace and we watched it burn.

    • That must have been therapeutic for you! Mostly I get rejection emails. I tried contacting one of the people who wrote me a personalized message to see if he would give me some feedback, but I never heard back. If I don’t know what I am doing wrong, I can’t fix it.

      Also, thanks for stopping by my blog. 🙂

      • Rejection emails so they can save paper. How nice. At least it’s not a text. You aren’t doing anything wrong (I mean unless you’re actually showing up naked carrying firearms or something). It just takes a damn long time, especially with the economy like it is.

        There was one interview that went really well and I never heard back, but I was offered another job so I didn’t think much of it. Still, rude. For fun you can come to my blog and read about what not to do under the Fun with Work category. I have a fake resume and a fake interview, that I wrote when attempting to interview for a promotion I later decided wasn’t worth it when there were 75 applicants. I mean, for a reference librarian?

  2. I definitely understand about writing more when most stressed, and I also have a collection of mixed-episode e-mails I never should have written. Please be careful reading over the old stuff. I know when I get on that slope toward depression, looking over old writing can push me into a full-on downward spiral. I have been able to purge a lot of old notes and e-mails during more normal days, and I think it was good for me.

    Also: I truly hope you find a job soon. I know how bad it sucks being unemployed, and nobody deserves that mess.

    • Thank you for your support, Fish. I’ve never looked over those emails because I don’t know what I will find. I guess I am afraid of what I will find. I don’t remember a lot of details from those periods in my life. I remember the beauty of mania and pain of desperate depression. I keep them because they are a record of my life. (And also because Hotmail and Yahoo give me tons of space.) Some part of me keeps them because I feel like it’s a reminder of things I did and things I should never do again. I don’t know – maybe it would be good for me to get rid of them. I can’t change the past, but I can’t torture myself for it either – although I do. I should talk this over with my therapist. Thanks for bringing it up. 🙂

  3. I get the shower thing so completely, and you are braver than I ever was to out the issue. When I was really, really low, weeks would go by – honestly. That is my little step of admission, so thank you for helping me make it. Now I’m feeling better, it can still be an effort, because they are a lot of work (I like your doctor). But it is a good gauge for mood.

    Sorry that you are having such a time of it, but I am really glad to see you posting. I get concerned when I don’t hear from you.

    Much love ~

    • My pdoc mentioned that she has/had patients that would go for weeks without a shower. She didn’t seem to think that a few days was too bad. I told her that I took a shower that day just because I was coming in to see her (I have to have a reason some days) and she said she appreciated it. I have a great pdoc. 🙂

      I’m glad I could help with your shower confession. I haven’t gone a whole week yet, but that’s probably because of my husband. He does still have to sleep next to me after all. I also have an estrogen patch that has to be changed twice a week, so I try to make sure I have a shower on those days. Although I’ve been known to forget all about changing it until I get hot flashes. (more TMI?) A shower is pretty necessary for changing those out – again, I need a reason. Going grocery shopping at Walmart is not reason enough.

      Thanks for the support. I will try to write more often. It’s hard because that takes effort too!

  4. When I was pregnant, I had to talk to my OB/Gyn about showers. Standing for showers became too much for me. I couldn’t stand for that long at a time. The doctor told me the same thing your Pdoc said. Showers are actually a ton of works, and aren’t that great for you. Did you know that some hospitals have it as a policy that surgeons don’t shower the night before surgery? Some studies have shown that showers actually carry more bacteria and fungus than the shower is even worth. Step into a shower, and you’re actually just washing off the good bacteria and getting a bunch of bad ones.

    Here’s a TMI. It’s actually bad for the Ph of a vagina. The vagina cleans itself and doesn’t need a whole lot of maintenance. Probably way less than people do to it.

    And here’s my own personal TMI. Even in good times, I only shower every other day. It dries out my skin and hair if I do it every single day. My tip off when I’m unwell is how itchy I let my scalp get. I exfoliate at a high rate, so I get dandruff if I don’t take care of my scalp. If I’ve got scabs on my scalp, that means I probably haven’t showered in close to four or five days. Gross, right? Probably even more so than just not even taking the shower anyway.

    Grosser, the biggest tip off for me is when I actually have to take my clothes off because my body odor that absorbed into them over the last few days has become overly offensive to me. Imagine what it’s like for other people!

    End TMI.

    Here’s a thought for your purging. I don’t like to get rid of things, because the oddest things sometimes give me points of reference later on. So, here’s a suggestion. Start keeping three ring binders of this stuff. That’s what I’m going to start doing. That way, I’ll be able to keep a steady record of what was going on, even when I didn’t feel like writing or blogging.

    • Wow – thanks for the information. (TMI warning ahead!) I’ve gone to an every other day routine myself. There’s something freeing about not feeling forced into taking a shower every day. (I’ve been alternating the hair days for years – ever since I started coloring it.) I think my skin is better for the alternation. It’s after the alternating days that things get a little trickier. By about Day 3, my husband is starting to wrinkle his nose and by Day 4 he’s talking me into it. I feel much better knowing that it’s all right not to take one every single day! OK, end TMI.

      I only have emails from those dramatic times. I don’t email people much, as some of you may know. I always feel like I am being a pest and bothering them. I chat on Facebook and I know you can save that but I haven’t tried it. In some ways, I am very much a loner. 😦 I have friends, people I like to spend time with, but even my BFF isn’t in on my inner circle of mental illness. I’ve had people leaving me my whole life so that the only person in my innermost circle is my husband. I have levels of friendship with people from casual to semi-close but no one on the inside so to speak. It’s only during those desperate times that I let my guard down, and no, I don’t talk to any of them anymore. (It’s complicated.) This is another reason I keep the emails. They remind me of what not to do.

      • My husband has a sensitive nose, so by day 2 he’s wrinkling. By day 3, he starts dropping the hint bombs. “Are you going to take a shower today?” LOL.

        I don’t think that communicating is bad. I think it’s actually good. Emails might be a better way. And sometimes, you just need someone to bounce things off of. That’s why there are therapists, so you can bounce stuff off of them, and you don’t have to get close to them. I know how you feel. Remember earlier in the year when we talked about the kind of running away I was doing?

        Sometimes, there are certain people that just creep into my inner circle, because I grow fond of them. I’ve always been one to let my emotions lead me around by the nose. Then, I get scared and do everything possible to self-sabotage. I get hell bent on destroying my relationships as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not saying you do this. Everyone has their own way of handling relationships and closeness and intimacy and things. This is my own maladaptive way.

        For some other people I know, it’s separate togetherness. I’ll talk about that one later, because it’s not really my theory. It belongs to “Sex and the City”, but I’d love to expand on it.

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