It was a late morning and I was kinda grumpy because of doing some job submission stuff so DH & I decided to go to the $2 movie theater this afternoon. We saw The Avengers again, just because it’s an awesome movie.  So awesome that the DVD is on my birthday wish list instead of DH’s Christmas list.

So we stopped at the mall and did a little looking around.  I found this immense sale on high quality shoes so I played around in the shoe department while DH went to the men’s section.  It’s a good thing that I didn’t have my purse with me because I might have come home with a hundred dollars in sandals!  I found these adorable Jessica Simpson heels (for $35) that make me about 5″ taller so I would tower over my husband but they look so sexy (IMHO) and a pair of Born sandals (for $30) that were so comfortable they wanted to come home with me, except that they looked a bit like something my mother might have bought.  And a pair of open toed black pumps with bows that are way more comfortable than the ones I bought for that stupid job interview.  Surrounded by inexpensive, high quality shoes! I was having a lot of fun!  I was thinking that I might even have to convince DH to buy a pair for me!

DH finished his shopping and was sitting in a chair texting.  I walked over and asked him what he was doing.  He was messaging a mutual friend of ours about how many hours he could work and how much he would make working at the store she manages.

WHAM!  Reality check.  Here I wanted to buy shoes and jewelry and the only reason I was resisting was because I hadn’t brought any form of money with me, and he’s been looking for a second job.  He’d started talking about it, but I didn’t realize he was serious or at least it didn’t hit me he was serious until then.  It felt like ice water splashed in my face.  He offered that we go back and buy the $10 pair of silver earrings I liked because they were affordable, but I said no.  On our way out, we had to walk past the jewelry store, the one where my birthday presents usually come from, and I stared at all the beautiful emeralds, rubies, sapphires and diamonds in the window.  No sapphires for me this year.

I’m so used to pretty things now.  I don’t need them.  I just want them.  And when I get a little hypomanic I have no restraint.  Until I lost my job, I thought nothing of dropping $80-100 on a good pair of shoes.  No more.  I’ll have to make due with my worn out Chucks and whatever else is lying around the house.

I don’t need shoes or clothes right now (so long as I don’t put on more weight).  It’s just the urge to buy.  Retail therapy to make myself feel better.  ‘Cause I feel pretty crappy.  And worst of all, I feel horrible that DH feels like he needs to take on a second job.  Second worst of all, is that he is more likely to be able to get a second job than I am to get a first job.  How sad is that?

I’ve got three more months of extended unemployment benefits, then we are really in trouble.  I’m trying to rework my mortgage based on my unemployment status.  I try to keep politics out of my blog, but I have to thank the current political administration for the extended unemployment benefits and homeowner assistance programs.  But time (money) is running out for me.  I don’t know what to do next.  😦

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