Anxiety Attack

I’ve been filling out forms (7 pages worth) in order to try to qualify for mortgage reduction based on my unemployment status. It’s been difficult to do. Not only is it difficult to find all the numbers I needed (I’m horribly disorganized) but it’s been emotionally difficult. And of course, I berate myself for not looking into this sooner.

I finished the paperwork yesterday. I thought about emailing it, but I couldn’t figure out (I suppose I could have called again) how to send it with signatures, although I suppose I could have scanned it in. There’s also a website called Homeowner Connect where you can electronically submit through them, but then I had to go through and figure out how much I owe on my student loans, credit cards, etc. and I just couldn’t go through all that after filling out the first set of paperwork. Besides, I was already pre-approved by my mortgage company so I thought I should follow their instructions.

Anyway, I went to Staples to try to fax it. I couldn’t do it. I counted the number of pages total (including documentation of my unemployment status) three times. I filled out their little half cover sheet. I even got as far as putting the number in, but I couldn’t send it. I got filled with anxiety. I walked around the store and tried to calm down. I tried calling my husband so he could talk me down, but he didn’t answer his phone. I finally just left. I couldn’t handle it.

Staples probably thinks I stole a fax thing. I don’t know, I just couldn’t handle it. I came home and told DH that I couldn’t do it. He asked why. I yelled at him: I just couldn’t!  I took another Klonopin (1/2 pill).  I’ve been crying practically since I got home.

I feel like a failure.  I have to ask for help with my mortgage.  I can’t even go and send a simple fax.  I am so disorganized that I can’t even find stuff when I need it.  Everything feels so expensive.  I’m a wreck.

DH has gone now to fax the paperwork.  He’s going to do the simple thing that I couldn’t do.  Why am I such a loser?

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

3AM

And she screams and her voice is straining
She says baby
It’s 3 am I must be lonely…
3am, Matchbook Twenty

It’s nearly 3AM and I’m feeling lonely. I tried sleeping but that didn’t work so I took a second dose of Klonopin. (Yes, that’s double the dose.) I’m wound up and I can’t put my finger on it.

I have to admit, I’ve fallen off the stable wagon. I didn’t want to admit it. I function well enough – if you call it that. I didn’t buy the shoes even though I had a couple of chances.  As Ruby put it, I should be proud of myself for that.

I don’t know what put me into a tailspin tonight.  I think it was reading some blogs that I’ve been trying to catch up on.  I came across one that made me sad when I know it was meant to make me happy.  I just feel so down tonight.  I don’t feel like I’m at the cool table but rather still at the invisible table.  I was at the cool table when I was manic and smart, and pretty, and all around cool.  Now I’m depressed and sitting alone at the invisible table, writing and crying at 3am.

I’m not blaming the blog in question – it really was meant to be a happy blog.  Maybe it just triggered some bad memories for me.  Like when I thought I was sitting at the cool table and I wrote a very deep, heartfelt note to one of my fellow tablemates, only to have it read out loud while the entire table jeered me.   It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Or maybe I feel lonely because I’m not as popular as a lot of the other blogs I read.  Some of us started at the same time, yet I’ve only got a fraction of the number of followers.  (However, I am grateful for each and every follower!)

Or maybe the events of earlier today made me feel worse than I originally thought.  I don’t know.  But it’s 3am and I must be lonely, because I don’t know what else it is.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.