3AM

And she screams and her voice is straining
She says baby
It’s 3 am I must be lonely…
3am, Matchbook Twenty

It’s nearly 3AM and I’m feeling lonely. I tried sleeping but that didn’t work so I took a second dose of Klonopin. (Yes, that’s double the dose.) I’m wound up and I can’t put my finger on it.

I have to admit, I’ve fallen off the stable wagon. I didn’t want to admit it. I function well enough – if you call it that. I didn’t buy the shoes even though I had a couple of chances.  As Ruby put it, I should be proud of myself for that.

I don’t know what put me into a tailspin tonight.  I think it was reading some blogs that I’ve been trying to catch up on.  I came across one that made me sad when I know it was meant to make me happy.  I just feel so down tonight.  I don’t feel like I’m at the cool table but rather still at the invisible table.  I was at the cool table when I was manic and smart, and pretty, and all around cool.  Now I’m depressed and sitting alone at the invisible table, writing and crying at 3am.

I’m not blaming the blog in question – it really was meant to be a happy blog.  Maybe it just triggered some bad memories for me.  Like when I thought I was sitting at the cool table and I wrote a very deep, heartfelt note to one of my fellow tablemates, only to have it read out loud while the entire table jeered me.   It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Or maybe I feel lonely because I’m not as popular as a lot of the other blogs I read.  Some of us started at the same time, yet I’ve only got a fraction of the number of followers.  (However, I am grateful for each and every follower!)

Or maybe the events of earlier today made me feel worse than I originally thought.  I don’t know.  But it’s 3am and I must be lonely, because I don’t know what else it is.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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13 thoughts on “3AM

  1. You know that no matter what else happens, you will forever be at the cool table now, and no one will read anything personal aloud. The best part of this cool table is that we love you always, no matter how uncool you feel.

    I understand the feelings about blog popularity. I pretty much stopped caring as far as popularity, stats, whatever for my own blog (which is totally unheard of in blog-land), but I still am very concerned about promoting the visibility of Canvas, and you are one of the very important reasons why (I nearly went out of my wits with that damned Clown’s blog contest, for the record).

    I hope you know that without you, there would almost certainly be no Canvas as it exists today. You took a big chance when we were starting up by throwing your lot in with us, and I will always and forever be grateful to you for that.

    Putting all of that aside, you have a lot in your life to bring you down right now. And it’s so hard to remember that it isn’t forever, that it is so incredibly difficult, but you are strong, you are so strong, and you will find your way through this.

    Wishing you love ~

  2. I am sorry you are having the 3am feeling. I know how that is. Usually that is when I start thinking of reasons why I am happy being alone lol. I can also relate to that feeling about followers or readers. I feel that I post so many things to try and be helpful and I share so much of my life on here, but who is listening? I just have to not worry about it and blog like I am blogging to the masses! (((hugs))). I hope you can get some rest and those negative thoughts will leave you alone today.

  3. You know, I’ve been feeling the same way. I had to willfully stop myself from looking at my stats. I mean, I am feeling invisible enough already. Like, I have nothing to say and no one is listening anyway. Like a ghost.

    What I’m trying to say is you’re not alone, and I’m listening.

  4. Hi, I started reading your blog and your old posts on Canvas not so long ago but I love what you write, I don’t visit your site often because I use a reader app and I’m scared of saying anything on comments.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling like this, for me some of the worse feelings are loneliness and thinking of yourself as invisible. I think I feel something similar to this since I don’t talk or know anyone.
    I truly hope you feel better soon from this and from the anxiety too and hope things get better for you on your life. You sound like an amazing person.

  5. I also read the majority of my subscribed blogs through my reader and also e-mail notifications so, I don’t always visit the site in question directly and, I’d assume that a lot of other bloggers do the same. I’ve certainly seen my number of hits drop since I started, even though the number of subscribers has increased. 🙂

    • Yeah, I read most of mine via email on my phone. I can’t comment from there so I have to go back on the computer to comment. Usually I forget to go back and do that, so it looks like I’m not reading anyone’s stuff even though I am! Thanks for your support and for stopping by. 🙂

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