I’m not such a bad person

I got to thinking today that I’m not such a bad person.  I donate to charity when I can (Salvation Army today) and I try to be nice to people in general.  I say please and thank you. I wish people a good weekend or a happy holiday.  I’ve got a lot more patience than I give myself credit for and I try to do good.  Sometimes I don’t succeed at that because I am afraid. 

Although I can be negative, cynical and a pessimist, I’m generally not mean.  I try to be a supportive wife, friend, daughter and aunt, although my siblings and I are at odds.  I like to help people; I especially like to help people understand things like math or science.

My self-esteem is low, but I still think I’m not a bad person. (Ask me a different day and I may give you a different answer.) Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a healthy self-esteem.  I’ve always worried that by working on my self-esteem I would become over-confident and perhaps narcissistic.  Supposedly, that’s not the case, but since we are going to be working on my self-esteem in therapy, I’ll let you know how it goes.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that for today, at least, I don’t think I’m a bad person. 🙂

Meeting the New Doctor

My primary care doctor took a job elsewhere and sold her practice. Now I have a new doctor to train. I’m nervous. Weird, huh? I don’t know what this doctor will be like and I can’t even pronounce his name. (I think it’s a him, not a her, but I’ll find out in a few minutes.) I would have met him/her in September if I would have remembered my quarterly appointment. I’ve been out of blood pressure medicine for a while so I really need to have this appointment. Plus my foot hurts. What can I say? I’m old. 😦

I don’t know why I started this post, it would have made so much more sense to do it after meet the new doctor but I guess this means I will have to write a followup post or at least reply in the comments to this one. I just had a tiny nip of the writing bug and I thought I would exploit it while I could. See, I said I wasn’t writing and now I am – HA!

I can’t procrastinate any longer. Time for me to go – wish me luck!

Still Not Writing

Nope. Not writing here. Not writing in my fancy color coded, stickery journal either. Lots o’ stuff has happened lately. We had a holiday and everything. Even got the Christmas lights up. But am I writing? Nope. Do I feel like writing? Not really. No excuse. Just… not… writing. And Ruby even gave me an out on writing up the Compassionate Brain series for Canvas. So, not writing there either, even though I did make a half-assed commitment.

Is what I am doing now writing? Not really. It’s stream of consciousness verbal spillage. And it’s going to stop now because I am tired and I have too many damn things to do tomorrow. Will I write tomorrow? We’ll see. I’m making no more promises. I don’t want to back down from them like I have with the Compassionate Brain series.

No promises… but I wonder… will you read once I write again?

So long to Snoballs

As you may have heard on the news, Hostess is closing it’s factory doors. No more Twinkies, HoHos, donettes, cupcakes, or most importantly (to me) Snoballs. I love Snoballs. They are my feel good food. When life really gets me down, I can always have a Snoball and it feels a little bit better for a few minutes.

Snoballs are probably not the most popular of the Hostess line, so there is no guarantee that they will be picked up by another manufacturer. Besides, who else could create such a concoction? Cream-filled chocolate cake wrapped in a layer of marshmallow and sprinkled with coconut. It’s hard to stay depressed when faced with a Snoball. Especially a pink one.

Look at the layers of yummy goodness!

So when I found out last week that Hostess was going out of business, I went out a picked up a few supplies. I’m not a connoisseur of Hostess products, but I like them. You know what you are getting when you eat one, and most importantly, you know where you can get them and that they will always be there. Well, they won’t always be there anymore. I had to stock up.

My husband picked up a couple of boxes of Twinkies (which I hate personally) and we got a couple of boxes of cupcakes between us, but I had to get my Snoballs. I raided the Walmart. I got 8 packages of Snoballs, sixteen cakes in all, and only stopped there because the price was getting steep. But you can freeze your favorite Hostess treat if you take it out of the package. (Did you know that? I didn’t or I would have bought more!)

So I am sad to say goodbye to this tasty treat that is part cake and part candy.  This cake that lifts me up just a little bit when I want to cry.  Snoballs are a treat, not an everyday food.  Once my stash of 7 packages (as of this writing) are gone, they are gone forever.  I think I want to cry now.

To all the bakery companies out there… please pick up the Snoball recipe!  I need my depression treat!


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Catch Up!

I’ve been ignoring my blog lately, and really for no good reason other than things constantly seem to be busy lately.  I’ve got several posts queued up in my head, but none of them written.  For example, there’s a goodbye to Hostess’ SnoBalls, a photocontest, my husband’s half marathon, and my Dad comes in tonight for the holiday.  I’ll try to write these up as I can.

As for today… well, Dad called me during his layover, told me he was going for a walk, then said he would call me back before he left.  Well, his flight is en route, so either he forgot to call or he missed it and I haven’t heard yet.  I hope he just didn’t get a chance to call.  How I would get a missed flight sorted out long distance is beyond me.  So let’s hope he’s on the flight.  I’ll know in another hour and a half.

Well, I’m a little hypomanic-y at the moment, and I am dying to get a few minutes of video gaming in before I have to leave for the airport, so I am going to sign off for now.  (I’m too unfocused to write anyway.)
*hugs* to all!


Mentally Ill and Pregnant

No, I’m not pregnant. My niece is. The same one that I wrote about in Runaway and Runaway Part II.  She has an odd diagnosis, basically everything on the extreme end of the spectrum: bipolar, schizophrenic, schizoeffective.  She is probably not all of those things but she is bipolar and does have visual and audio hallucinations.  She’s been unmedicated for over 6 months.  She started birth control pills a few months ago and then quit them.  She is 24, in college, unmarried, and still with the loser she was with before when I wrote the aforementioned posts.

All of that aside, she is an unmedicated, mentally ill, pregnant young woman.  Does anyone have any advice they can share on this subject?  If I can give her any suggestions to help her through this difficult time, I would greatly appreciate it.  One friend has already been kind enough to share her thoughts and suggestions, but I wanted to open up the suggestion box a little more by asking all of my readers for advice.

Naturally, I am very worried about her.  I wish she had waited until after she finished college and was settled into a stable relationship before getting pregnant.  I fear she won’t ever finish college.  I fear he will leave her again and she will become a single mother.  She already lives on medicaid, disability, and food stamps and barely gets by.  I fear post-postpartum depression the most.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!

Help to Stop Ruminating

It’s never easy to ‘just stop it’ but here’s a little advice on how to stop (or help stop) ruminating about things.

Tina's Tidbits

Rumination, anxiety, depressionWe’ve all heard how bad it is to ruminate — that is, to chew on something troubling, turning it over and over in your mind.

Doing this makes you feel worse instead of better, so according to traditional wisdom, you’re supposed to watch your thoughts.

You’re supposed to just STOP if you find yourself ruminating.

But no one tells you how.

Feels So Bad It’s Good

The reason no one tells you how you’re supposed to stop ruminating is because it’s not clear how to do it besides simply using willpower.

As Bob Newhart advised a client in the famous therapist sketch, “Just stop it.” Obviously, it’s not that easy.

In order to make it stop, you have to understand why you’re ruminating in the first place.

We already know you’re not an idiot who wants to make yourself suffer for some unknown reason (only intelligent, thoughtful people read this…

View original post 430 more words

MP3 Players are Lollipops

I learned something while subbing today. For a teenager, the right to listen to your mp3 player, or more likely, your phone, is like giving a little kid a lollipop for being good. That’s right, teenagers respond to bribery just like anyone else, and that bribery is music. You might desperately want to tell them to sit down and shut up, but you can’t, so you say the next best thing, which is please sit down and be quiet but that really doesn’t get you anywhere. However, threaten to take away their music, and they will quiet down.

I also got some supportive chats from the nearby teachers. One of them said the most important button on your phone is this one, and he pointed to the office. He said, it’s like John Wayne toilet paper. It’s rough, it’s tough, and it doesn’t take crap. He told me to use that button whenever they give me trouble and send them down to talk to the principal. Right now I feel fired up enough to send the whole class down there, but everyone assures me that it doesn’t take the whole class, just a few students. Man, I have to get up the courage to do that.

I have another day of subbing tomorrow. Wish me luck!

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I Voted, Did You?

Just a quick reminder: if you are an American, and you haven’t already voted, then get out there and do it now! Some of the lines are quite long and some of the polls are about to close, so get in quickly!

As a very wise man (my husband) said to me, ‘If you don’t vote, you don’t have the right to complain.’

Substitute Teaching

I’ve done five substitute teaching assignments so far, and I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of it is good, some of it is bad, some of it is…well, babysitting.

My first assignment was with the alternative school.  I thought I could make a difference but instead I got run over by the students. I should have sent some of them to the principal’s office. I don’t think I want to teach that again.  I’ve pretty much been run over by the students in most of the classes I’ve taught.  One of them even snuck out of class on me and she was called down to the principal’s office.  This was the last time I taught.  I managed to keep a hold of the remainder of the classes (just barely) and I was feeling so stressed when I got home that I took a Klonopin.

In my last therapy session, I talked about substitute teaching.  My therapist said I glow when I talk about teaching.  So why am I sucking down benzos in order to deal with it?  Why do I feel so stressed out?  I thought I liked teaching?  I do like teaching college.  That’s what I want – a college teaching position.  But tonight, even the thought of teaching college stresses me out.

Hopefully this will pass.  I have to get back on the horse again, but I don’t think attempting the alternative school is the right horse to ride.  Can’t I have a nice English or Social Studies class?  Well, I could have but I didn’t click the assignments quick enough – someone else got to them before me.  (It’s a computerized system. If I don’t accept the job online, then I’ll get a call in the morning if there are openings.)  All I can do is keep checking the website for openings, and turn my phone on in the morning.

As for now, I think I will call it a night.

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.