Substitute Teaching

I’ve done five substitute teaching assignments so far, and I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of it is good, some of it is bad, some of it is…well, babysitting.

My first assignment was with the alternative school.  I thought I could make a difference but instead I got run over by the students. I should have sent some of them to the principal’s office. I don’t think I want to teach that again.  I’ve pretty much been run over by the students in most of the classes I’ve taught.  One of them even snuck out of class on me and she was called down to the principal’s office.  This was the last time I taught.  I managed to keep a hold of the remainder of the classes (just barely) and I was feeling so stressed when I got home that I took a Klonopin.

In my last therapy session, I talked about substitute teaching.  My therapist said I glow when I talk about teaching.  So why am I sucking down benzos in order to deal with it?  Why do I feel so stressed out?  I thought I liked teaching?  I do like teaching college.  That’s what I want – a college teaching position.  But tonight, even the thought of teaching college stresses me out.

Hopefully this will pass.  I have to get back on the horse again, but I don’t think attempting the alternative school is the right horse to ride.  Can’t I have a nice English or Social Studies class?  Well, I could have but I didn’t click the assignments quick enough – someone else got to them before me.  (It’s a computerized system. If I don’t accept the job online, then I’ll get a call in the morning if there are openings.)  All I can do is keep checking the website for openings, and turn my phone on in the morning.

As for now, I think I will call it a night.

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