Remodeling: Day 2

Well, I think we are a day behind. The sink was supposed to come out today but instead we got the tile removed and the backsplash area re-drywalled. So tomorrow is the day real work begins. We lose the sink, everything gets taped off and maybe concrete gets poured. Then staining and epoxy on Friday. Hopefully. We are supposed to go away on Friday & Saturday so we don’t interfere with the drying process. Hopefully things come back on Monday (sink & tile) then we can have the electrician in for the lights. The carpet guys have to come put our carpet back too. Another cost because I can’t afford to replace our crappy carpets yet. It all adds up so quickly.

DH and I spent most of today at the tile store. We found a different tile that looks a bit better. (DH likes it better than I do, but maybe I’m just nervous about a final decision. I’m bad with decisions.) Now there’s grout decisions to be made and aarrrgghhhhh!!!!! I’m taking Klonopin every day because of this. 😦

My angels go to the kennel in the morning. I will be sad without them, but they need to be out of the way for the rest of the remodel. I just think of it as part of the remodeling expense. The dog goes on Friday. Then there’s the weekend. Honestly, I don’t really want to travel, but it is kind of necessary that we be out of the house for the epoxy to dry properly.

I think this is a little of the depression talking. More and more Paxil and no real improvement. Maybe the Geodon prevents it? I don’t know. Anxiety over this kitchen is driving me to (want) to drink!

Remodeling: Day 1

I had pre-remodeling jitters all day yesterday.  I was going to write but ended up making cupcakes instead.  (Yes! I can do this now with a minimal amount of assistance! It was only a 1/2 batch anyway.) Baking is soothing to me.  It’s not stressful like cooking.  It is precise and straightforward, you get to take a break while the stuff is in the oven, and there’s something yummy with sugar when you are done.  It might even look pretty too.

One of my first attempts at piped frosting

It wasn’t as relaxing as usual because I couldn’t find my regular recipe book so I had to pull a new recipe off the internet, which I then proceeded to screw up by creaming the sugar with the butter instead of creaming the butter alone first.  Furthermore, I put in both eggs instead of one at a time, but this really isn’t such a big deal I don’t think.  The vanilla went in at the wrong time too.  When the batter was done, it was way too thick, so I thinned it out a bit with extra milk.  Finally, it only made a dozen cupcakes so I had to cut the frosting recipe in half.  I put too much almond extract into the frosting and it’s overwhelming.  I think the cake is a little too dense and a touch dry – maybe overdone a little by a minute or two.  It still hits the sweet spot craving.

So anyway, we decided that we can’t decide between the door pulls and we aren’t 100% convinced on the tile.  It’s easier to match tile to the countertop than vice-versa since the countertops with be concrete and a one-of-a-kind type of thing.  Since they were closed today, we have to go tomorrow to look at the tile shop. The one tile I had posted in Estimate is nice but there is something about the combination that is just a little bit “off”.  I can’t put my finger on it but it’s there.  Do you know what I mean?

Today, the contractors were running a bit late because their previous job ran over, but this trip didn’t last long.  They tried taking out the tile and it was so stuck to the sheetrock that it started coming off too!  So they can’t remove the old tile like normal.  The tile guys have to come in and cut out the sheetrock with the tile stuck to it then re-sheetrock the entire area.  Just a quick shot to show you all the fun:

Tiles reluctant to leave

No remodel without stumbling blocks, right?  Well, we got all excited to do the fireplace too except that estimate came in at $656.  If we tile the face of the fireplace instead of concreting it, then we can knock about $100-$120 off that price.  Basically, I’m waiting for the lighting parts estimate so I can figure our totals.   I might just have them do the cheaper tile option.  I hate to leave the fireplace looking so crappy when everything else will look so nice.  (Of course, the cabinets in the kitchen are still going to look crappy too, but they will cost us ~$2500-$3000 to have redone so not happening now.)  Everything adds up so quickly!!!

My head is spinning.  I can’t even begin to think of all the other things I need to be doing!  I just want to eat Nutella out of the jar and watch TV the rest of the day.  I really wish I could have a few rounds of tequila, but I can’t.  Klonopin is not enough today.  😦

 

Simmer

I feel as though I am walking on the edge of a knife. My temper is short, but I am containing it, keeping it under a false smile. Simmering, I can feel the rage building in my head, waiting for an outlet. The right trigger at the wrong time. Dsyphoric mania here I come. Clenching my fists, squeezing my eyes shut tight, biting my lip, counting to ten. Keep the lid on the pot, now is not the time. Never is the time, but right now is really not the time.

I’m supposed to go back to work this week. I have to be in control. I can’t get a straight answer from anyone – who is supposed to tell me when I can go back? If I can go back? Why can’t I work up the courage to call a lawyer? I can do a lot of things now. It’s time. I hate to admit it, but it’s time. I hate working; I hate not working. I hate having everything up in the air. The penny has to fall.

To make matters worse, my husband is sick. We don’t know why or how. It started two weeks ago – nausea & other digestive issues along with pain. Pain where your vital organs are. The gallbladder is already gone so what’s left? Not good. Scary. Doc gave Aciphex but it’s not fixing the problem. He’s in pain and he’s constantly exhausted and I don’t know how to help him. He won’t let me take him to the ER. I can’t lose my husband. I won’t survive. I can’t. He is the other half of me. The only one who can put up with my crazy moods, who supports me no matter what, who knows how to make me laugh and how to calm me down. I’m so dependent on him, sometimes I can’t even make simple decisions on my own.

All of this is building. Time is ticking. I am trapped within my own mind. Building, building, building. I can’t do what I need to do because I am constantly on edge. This razor-sharp knife edge. Keep the lid on. Hold on tight. This will not be a fun ride.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Too Much TV?

Is there a limit as to how much television a person can watch? A person can drink only so much water (at once) or it will kill them. I wonder if TV has the same limitations and if I am reaching them. I watch TV all afternoon, evening and weekend. Life is passing me by and I am missing it because I’m watching TV.

It’s not that there aren’t things I could be doing. There are. I could read. I could look for jobs. I could surf the web even. But using the computer one-handed is a pain in the ass. Seriously, try it. Take your dominant hand and set it in your lap and don’t move it. Now surf the web, reply to email, and write your blog. Use the mouse with the “wrong” hand. It’s a hassle isn’t it? Consider expanding this one-handed experience to using your phone, eating, and personal grooming. Imagine doing this for weeks on end. Imagine too that your “good” hand isn’t all that “good” either.

Am I whining? Maybe just a little. But it’s been like this over a month. I’m trapped in a house that I love but I see all its flaws. Repairs that need to be made and the $$ that will be required to make them. I cringe when the heat kicks on because it means there’s more $ flying out the windows. One entire room is closed off from the house in part to help with the bills, but mostly to hold my OCD demons. One of the things that makes reading so hard is that my “good” wrist cramps up while I’m holding the book. Add to that anxiety and depression… It’s hard to focus. 😦

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life and for all the things I can do that I talked about in a previous post Things I’m Thankful For. But today is all about the things I still can’t do and all the things that keep me from doing more. Anxiety, fear, depression, frustration, pain and their result: a bored little coward that watches TV ad nauseum. Yes, I’m even nauseated.

I’ve been told before that people look up to me, respect me, even admire me for my successes in life, but they don’t see the real me. The sad creature in heap on the floor, draped in a blanket of worthlessness, enveloped by a cloud of depression, attacked by flies of fear, anxiety and self-doubt nipping at a hypersensitive soul trapped within a cage of my own creation. It sucks to be here. Why can’t I get out?

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.