Independence Day

One day is pretty much like the others for me now but I thought I would wish everyone else (American at least) a Happy Independence Day! And since it’s Independence Day, I should declare myself independent of some guilt. My (new) therapist has asked me how long I intend to keep punishing myself for losing my job and she said I just need to declare that I am done. Put it in writing, she said. So here, I am publicly announcing it:

I, Manic Monday, hereby do declare that I shall not feel guilty over losing my job.
-Thursday, July 4, 2013

Things didn’t go exactly as I planned there, some of it was my fault, some of it wasn’t, but I can’t keep blaming myself for losing the job. It’s gone and done. I just have to try to find a new one. (Easier said than done, sadly.)  It was a really bad place for my mental health and my mind is better off not there.  I might have to work three jobs instead of one, but everyone goes through phases in their life.  Hopefully, this is just a phase.

Wow, my therapist was right.  It is liberating to write something like that.  She also told me to draw with my left hand using crayons.  That’s kind of liberating too.  I did it one day when my anxiety was really high and discovered what anxiety “looks” like to my inner self.  It was really interesting.  I’m going to take it with me to my next therapy session.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for today.  🙂

 

 

Tired

I’m really tired today. In fact, if not for autocorrect I wouldn’t have gotten through that last sentence. How sad is that?

I’m on plan period while subbing today. Basically I get (nearly) an hour to myself. I wish it wasn’t 2nd hr though. It’s going to be a LONG day. 😦

It’s tough being a sub sometimes. These kids are not great. And my 3G doesn’t work in the class so I am bored. All I get is $50. I need the money though.

I’m not just physically tired. I am emotionally tired too. I realized that things are just draining me. Even the thought of doing things drain me. This unemployment has gone on for too long. We are nearly out of money and neither of us has a full time job. Bills, medicine, you name it. Having to sell this house that I love. I just retreat into the Xbox and hide. I was doing pretty good on my writing until 2 days ago now that’s gone stagnant too. (I’m ahead of my goal so I still have postings on my fanfic blog. )

I wonder what’s wrong with me but I think I figured it out – subconscious stress. I also think I’m wading through a bit of depression. I don’t know what else could be wrong.

I think that sums things up for now. I’ll try to write more when I’m not hiding.

I feel like I should be writing

There’s that evil word again: should. I should be doing this or that, I shouldn’t have done something else… it goes on and on. What does the word should get me other than guilt? Someone should take the word ‘should’ out of the English language. OK, that time it was a pun. 😉

I am constantly full of regret. I am scared as our savings is getting quite low. Neither DH nor I have full time jobs and COBRA is eating away our savings like you wouldn’t believe ($800+ /mo). I don’t know how much longer I can afford it. I would hate to go without insurance but what else can I do? If I had known about this state insurance program while I was still on unemployment then I could have gotten that but I didn’t so oh well. How do people live in this country???

There are lots of things I ‘should’ have done… like look for private insurance (it’s cheaper than I thought) and I didn’t know I could qualify for a deferment on my student loans. (I think my deferment time is spent though, so it would be forbearance time.) I waited on my student loan because you need to pay interest on it or the principle goes up and I didn’t want to do that while I could still afford it. (Afford being a relative term, of course.) But our money is dwindling fast and I’ve got to start with the desperate measures. Some programs are only available while you are collecting unemployment so I should have applied for them last year. (There’s that ‘should’ word again. Really, it ought to be banned.)

Anyway, I feel like I should be writing on here more but there still isn’t anything to talk about. I am working on insurance options and stuff like that today, wishing I had done it a long time ago. But I can’t change the past and I so I need to work towards the future. That’s all I can do.

Feeling Worthless

I’m feeling pretty worthless and full of regret. Regret does no one any good but still it seems instilled in me – when you feel like crap make sure to make it worse because it can always be worse. That sounds like a rambling bit of bullshit, doesn’t it?

The job search thing is going poorly. I am trying to apply to places but I don’t have what it takes to get a job, it seems. No callbacks, nothing. How can I be so smart and yet so useless? I emailed a friend of mine last week for help but she has been busy and hasn’t been able to get back to me. I talked to her tonight but she is swamped trying to get a proposal uploaded before the deadline. She didn’t hear me but I was near to tears when we got off the phone. Oh, it’s nothing she did, it’s just knowing that these are the things that she and I used to do together when I worked there. Things that I should be doing, had I not gotten kicked out of academia for being female.

I feel like crying and yet not crying. I want my old teaching job back. I even want the hell of a job I had here back. I wouldn’t let them make me crazy this time. It would be different, I swear. That’s probably just a lie I am telling myself. I’m still crazy, it’s just a matter of which level.

I’m having a hard time being a scientist, or thinking of myself as a scientist. I need a better research proposal for my job applications so DH suggested I research carbon nanotubes. There are thousands of papers on carbon nanotubes. Probably hundreds published every month. How am I supposed to come up with a novel idea centered around carbon nanotubes when there is so much out there and no foreseeable path? If this were a dream, I would be trapped, wading through a forest of carbon nanotubes finding no end and no beginning. No water, no light, naught but an endless forest. That’s how it feels right now. I feel hopeless.

They say there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t see any light. It’s dark as pitch and I can’t feel my way. My mind is blank – devoid of anything useful. All my senses are gone – defunct in this quest for survival. All I want is to teach, to be a university professor, but apparently so does everyone else. The competition is fierce and overwhelming. My four years of experience teaching seem to be a waste of time as I don’t even get callbacks for phone interviews. Why has my life gone awry?

I no longer recommend going to college. I especially don’t recommend going into science. And whatever you do, don’t waste your time on a PhD. It’s fun while it lasts, but eventually it will mean nothing more than you aren’t employable.

Turned Down

Well, I said yesterday that the interview didn’t go well, and I already got my rejection email. So worrying about standing all day is a moot point.

This doesn’t surprise me. If anything, I was surprised they called me for an interview at all. I used to be so good at interviews. Now what is happening to me? Does my depression show through?

If I can’t even get a bank teller position, what can I get? Over educated and under qualified – that’s what I am. Lost is where I am. I’m getting desperate. Not desperate enough for McDonalds yet but desperate. I don’t know how I can go on like this. I don’t know how I have gone on like this for so long. I feel like my brain is rotting inside my skull. There is no new information and all the old information is seeping away. I can’t even remember things from one minute to the next. Maybe if I were in a more intellectually stimulating environment than just my computer and xbox, my brain would start working again. Or not. Who knows?

I have a few bright spots in my life: my husband, my pets, my friends, and my pdoc. My pdoc took time today to help me find info on getting my meds cheap and insurance information. If I had the ability to cry anymore, I might have cried today at her kindness.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Job Interview Tomorrow

OK, I have a job interview tomorrow. However, it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s to be a bank teller. Apparently, they weren’t scared off by my Ph.D. (I had to put it on my app since they are running a background check and it would have come up if I lied.) So, I applied on Thursday, they called me on Friday to set up the appointment for tomorrow. I’m really not sure what I am doing.

I didn’t lie on my application or anything, and I do need a job, and I don’t think that being a bank teller would be all that bad except for one thing: standing up all day. Yes, this should have been obvious to me. But I applied on Thursday when I had a cold and wasn’t thinking clearly. I honestly didn’t expect them to respond, at least not so soon. Now I’ve got a job interview for a job that I don’t know if I can do because I don’t know if I can stand up all day long.

Why? Because I have 3 herniated disks in my back that press on my sciatic nerve when irritated. I’ve also got a bunion in my right foot. There’s a cyst in my foot that is pressing on the toe joint. I thought the doctor said something about my bones separating too, but now I’m not sure. I don’t know. I’m too young for this crap.

Apparently not, because it says online that even teenagers can get bunions. Crap.

Regardless, my foot hurts pretty often and I’m sure standing won’t help any.

So what do I do? DH says to go and at least hear them out. I’m thinking maybe there’s the possibility of a stool to sit on from time to time when they aren’t busy. I need a job, even though it’s minimum wage, and I need health insurance. I wish now that I hadn’t applied for it. I don’t know. I am so confused.

Every Student Deserves a Chance

I was substitute teaching today and something happened in my last hour class that upset me. I had just enough papers for all the students but no extras. There was a teacher’s assistant in the room and she wanted to know what they were working on. I offered her the teacher’s copy but she declined. Instead she walked over and took a student’s paper. I thought she would give it right back but she didn’t. After about 10 minutes the student looked at me imploringly. So I took the teacher’s copy over to her and asked if we could trade. She looked at me and said, “[student] never does his work. He just sits there. That’s why I took his paper.” I gave the paper back to the student. Wouldn’t you know, he did the work! I was angry afterwards but it’s not my place to say anything. She had access to the teacher’s copy so why take a student’s? Every student deserves a chance to learn.