Mixed Up Again?

WARNING: Possible triggers (suicide)

I wanted to get back to my mental health posting, as that is what this blog was originally about, but I’m not sure where to go with it. I posted the gory view of my inner soul on Friday. But Friday was some sort of ‘episode’ (mixed episode maybe?) that I should discuss with my therapist & pdoc.

Friday didn’t end with my post. It was a long, dull evening and even DH was quiet around me. Finally, I couldn’t take the silence anymore and I put on my shoes and stormed out of the house. I didn’t even bother with my phone so I would be on my own if someone or something attacked me. But I didn’t care. I was too wrapped up in pain and fury to worry about it. I walked over two miles before I made it back home. The whole time, I was trying to rationalize suicide and develop a plan. Don’t worry, I haven’t come up with one that I like so I’m not in trouble yet.

But there is so much anger in me right now, which makes me think I may be going through a mixed state. The past two days have been better, but I am still quick to temper, as I’m sure DH has noticed. I feel like I am never going to work again and I don’t know what we will do. I’m angry about losing my job, about the abuse I put up with, about everything. I am especially angry that they questioned my scientific integrity and called me a liar. All when I wasn’t there to defend myself. I needed to be out on mental health leave long before they ever put me out for physical reasons. And for that, I am angry at myself. I had the tools, I just didn’t use them. I didn’t seek professional medical health when I needed it most.

Depression and anger. They say that depression is anger turned inwards. I have to accept responsibility for not doing something when I needed it most. For allowing them to get inside my head. Now I have to work through the rubble that is the aftermath. Lesson learned – don’t trust your coworkers and seek professional help. DH says I need to learn to let go of the guilt because guilt is a useless emotion. He’s probably right. He usually is about these things.

Now I have to decide (and quickly) if I want to go to this conference. Pros: it may lead to job contacts and there will definitely be networking opportunities. Cons: It will be expensive (probably close to $1000) and I will run into Dr. B and his protege. I don’t know if I can handle the latter and still act professionally. Or handle it emotionally. There is also no guarantee that the networking will lead to anything. It’s a very small conference (only a few hundred attendees) and last time I was there (2 years ago) there was only one job posted that I would qualify for. So this is a topic for this week’s therapy session.

Anyway, I just wanted to fill you all in on what’s happened since Friday.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Freak Out

OK, so I haven’t been blogging much lately.  Lots of things going on, and yet, nothing going on.  Same as usual.  I guess.  Well, not exactly.

I’ve been having freak-outs lately (as in 3 in the last 3 days).  It’s never been this bad.  DH says it’s like I was before the diagnosis.  So why isn’t this damn anti-psychotic working???  Or maybe it is, but it’s not treating my freak-outs.  They may be related to depression.  I thought I was over the depression because I was feeling better last week.  I found out that Geodon does act like an anti-depressant because it inhibits serotonin & norepinephrine reuptake, so I thought it was working.  But maybe it’s just not enough.  This week I am back to the same old thing: procrastination, self-recrimination, and a general sense of no self-worth.

Then there are the freak-outs.

WARNING:  I am not suicidal, but there is a discussion about suicide below, so if this bothers you, then abort now!

Now, to explain the freak out.  It’s somewhat complicated and difficult to put into words, but I will try.  DH & I were at the mall.  He wanted to look for new sneakers.  He pointed to the store he was going to look in.  I wanted to look somewhere else first but then I would meet him in that store.  When I went to meet him, he wasn’t in that store.  I called his cell.  He didn’t answer.  I was so angry all of a sudden that I wanted to throw the damn phone down a level, where it would land (coincidentally) in front of the Apple store.  Fortunately, a small bit of logic remained in my clouded mind and I was able to refrain from destroying a $300 phone.  When I finally found him in a different store (we disagree as to which store he had pointed to) I was a snarling, rabid thing.

Last night, we had some kind of disagreement, and I was off reaching for knives and threatening to slit my wrists.  The night before, I stormed out of the house saying that I was planning to go “play in traffic”.  Mind you, I was perfectly fine when I saw the psychiatrist Monday morning.  I had had about 4 or 5 consecutive days of “normalcy”.    I don’t know what prompted this disaster.

How can I describe a freak out?  It’s like there is something inside you that when triggered you just lose it.  You become a wild, mad thing.  It feels as if all of your synapses are firing at once, but none of them in the correct direction.  You can’t slam the door hard enough, you want to crush what is in your hand, scream, cry, rage, slam, punch, kick – you name it – anything to release the energy that is built up inside you.   When it’s over, you feel drained and no longer taut like a bow string about to break.

A lot of times, these outbursts involve suicide threats.  Am I really suicidal?  I don’t think so.  Could I do myself harm in one of these states?  Quite possibly.  This is where you tell me to go to the hospital, right?  It wouldn’t be worth it; by the time I got checked in, it would be over.  These states are very short-lived, typically less than an hour.  Today’s freak-out for example, was only about 10-15mins.

So, I know I have to call my doctor’s office, but I really don’t know what to say.  I’m freaking out, just doesn’t quite seem to cut it.  And how do you explain the situation to a nurse/receptionist in 10 words or less?  I’m at a loss.  But I need something. NOW.

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You don’t understand

You don’t understand why I get so upset.

You don’t understand why everything must be just so.

You don’t understand why I ask you to do this or to do that.

You don’t understand why lose my temper over something that seems trivial.

You don’t understand why all the little things build up and boil over inside my brain.

Churning and burning until I

EXPLODE

Slam the door

Pull my hair

Scream

Cry

You don’t understand how I’m hurting inside.

And I have no control.

You don’t understand.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

15 Minutes of Fury

I know it’s supposed to be 15 minutes of fame, but that isn’t my life.  Also, I’m sure that my fury will last longer than 15 minutes.  However, it apparently takes less than 15 minutes of access to my work email to set me off.

It’s like this… my former boss (now colleague) is a narcissist. We will call him Dr. B.  Dr. B and I have a bit of a history.  We worked really well together for the 1-1.5yrs because I was new and still learning. Once I started to get good at my job, and didn’t run to him every second of the day (consequently, not listening for hours on end to his repetitive stories about how he’s been wronged over the past 20 years), he started to be less supportive of me.  I wrote a report and originally had him as a co-author.  However, the other co-author told me to take both names off the report.  So I did that.  BIG MISTAKE.  Dr. B hasn’t been the same to me since. He refused to even look at the report for over a year.  He told upper management that he intentionally set it aside because his name wasn’t on it.  He never once asked me why (although I did tell him why) his name wasn’t on it, and I offered to add it back if he thought it was appropriate.  The other co-author, who is much higher ranked and respected in the company than Dr. B, called him and apologized profusely for 20 minutes saying that it was his fault that Dr. B’s name was left off because of bad advice he gave me.  Once I had the second co-author’s approval, I put both names on the report. It took Dr. B two more months to review it, and he added two more people to it (because they did some work on the same materials at some point in time that had no impact on this work) and made revisions that don’t even make sense.  Then he has the nerve to ask me why the report hasn’t been published.

Fast forward to the 15 minutes I spent checking my email today. I found out via a circuitous route that in my absence, Dr. B and the new girl have written a report on a project that Dr. B and I started a year and a half ago. We did the ground work and I have the dated notes in my research notebook.  (Unfortunately not witnessed because I didn’t know that sort of thing needed to be done, and at that time I still trusted Dr. B to have scientific integrity.)  I set up the instrument to collect the data for the method – until Dr. B stepped in and changed it because I am so obviously incompetent. Since I was never on the distribution list for this report, I can only conclude that my name is not on it and my input is not wanted.  One could argue that since I am not in the office due to my short term disability (STD) they didn’t want to trouble me or wait for my return.  But Dr. B has no problem sending me emails when he wants something.  You also might say, well, perhaps your name is on it and you just don’t know it, but I rather doubt it.  This is the same man who has taken every opportunity to publicly discredit me in the past year.

Backstabbing, lying, hypocrite.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.