Six Weeks

I’ve been on unemployment for six weeks now with no hope of finding a job.  Well, not exactly true… with little hope of finding a job.  I am very discouraged today.

I am tired and worn out, and I feel weak.  Physically weak.  This is probably because I couldn’t sleep last night.  We went out to dinner and the movies with a good friend (a splurge) last night and I ate too much at dinner but forgot to take my meds.  Ate too much popcorn (still no meds) so when I came home, I had to eat something in order to take my meds.  By this time, I was sick with eating.  The popcorn really did me in, and I had a stomachache all night.  I tried to sleep, but kept having thoughts about jobs (past and present) and after a restless couple of hours, I decided to get up and read.  My stomach didn’t settle down until after 5am, and I didn’t go bed until 6am.  Consequently, I didn’t get up until 1pm today.  By then, the whole day is wasted.

Worst of all, I missed a job fair in the city today.  But there was no way I could safely drive down there on a couple of hours worth of sleep.

I went to “job school” on Tuesday where they talked about job hunting, resumes and interviews.  It was a requirement for unemployment.  But all I feel now is guilty.  I’m not doing enough, but what can I do?  I’m just not qualified for things. Jobs that have no requirements, people wouldn’t hire me for, nor could I stand working at (such as a job at Walmart or some other retail position).  I’d become suicidal, which was what happened last time I was unemployed professionally and working as an administrative assistant.    (I’m not knocking admin assistants – they are great people and do wonderful jobs, but I’m not the kind of person who can handle it.)  One of the things job school talked about was good old fashioned legwork.  Going to businesses and knocking on doors and leaving resumes to see if they have any positions available.  Yeah right.  Can you see me at the local Dodge dealership asking if they need a PhD scientist?  Or at a State Farm agent’s office?  Should I go work for Starbucks?  I hear they have great benefits.  I would be mortified anytime I saw someone from work.  I can’t even bring myself to tell people that I’ve been laid off because I find it too embarrassing.  Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Today is just not a good day.  No creativity today.  (I’ll get back to that soon.)  No energy today.  I just want to crawl into a hole.  I don’t know what I am looking for anyway.  I don’t know what I will do if I can’t find anything.  All I know is that when I was standing up there in the classroom teaching a couple of weeks ago – it was the most natural thing in the world to me.  Now if someone would just hire me.  Permanently.