30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

I am very thankful for my husband. He is my rock, my friend, my soulmate. He puts up with my moods, my episodes, my bad habits. He cooks, he cleans, he does dishes and takes out the kitty litter. He carries the chores when I can’t do them, and often just beats me to it.

We haven’t always been this close, and we haven’t always gotten along. We came near to divorce once. But as we both learned more about my illness, my triggers, and the reasons behind specific behaviors, we grew closer. I think we have gotten a lot closer just over the last year, when I have finally started getting proper treatment for my various psychological illnesses (bipolar, OCD, etc.). He started taking cooking more seriously when I was diagnosed diabetic two years ago.

Some days, I think I couldn’t possibly live without him, that I wouldn’t have the strength to go on if something were to happen. I depend on my husband so much, maybe too much, and I worry about him whenever he goes somewhere without me. I love him with all my heart, and I feel thankful to have him every single day of my life. (Yes, even when he ticks me off.)

I would love to be more eloquent in this post, but I’m afraid I’m at a loss for words.  My heart is full of love and thanks – that’s all I have to say.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Finally caught a break…

COBRA is finally in place! After a third phone call, I spoke to someone who gave me more new information, but helped me straighten it all out. Turns out, you can’t make a payment if you are set up for direct deposit. So the nice fellow who helped me yesterday removed the direct deposit, allowed me to pay for one month with a credit card, then processed a rush with the insurance companies so that I am now covered and back covered. Additionally, my check was processed as well, which catches me up through the end of June. The same nice fellow who helped me yesterday also called me back today to tell me that everything was set up. I picked up my Paxil today and only had to spend $1.25 instead of $33 for it. *whew!* Finally!!

This week has been a little crazy, but hopefully things are settling down now. I wrote about the incident with my niece in Runaway and Runaway Part II.  She seems to be herself now, but I will track her facebook statuses more carefully from now on.  They seem to be a good indication of how things are going with her.  She doesn’t seem inclined to talk to me, and I think it’s because she is afraid that I will tell her what she doesn’t want to hear: partying is bad for her. I know how she feels.  But you have to make choices in life and some of those are related to your health.  Others are related to your career and if she keeps this drinking and partying up she won’t have the career she wants.  It’s hard to get through school with a science degree.  It’s harder to get through school with a science degree and good grades, even if you are smart.  It takes a lot of work.  She’ll tell me that she knows and is prepared, but her behavior speaks to the opposite.  There’s a big difference between a beer or two on a Friday night and being too drunk to walk without falling down.  Maybe I sound like a stick in the mud, but I’ve been where she is and I know it doesn’t work.

On to other news… I got called a BFF this week! 🙂  I’ve never been called a BFF before.  I was out shopping with a friend of mine on Wednesday, and we were looking at pillows for her new couch.  I picked up a cute one that had BFF embroidered on it and that’s when she said I was her BFF.  It took a few moments before it sunk in, and I said it back.  (It’s sorta like the L-bomb, isn’t it?)  I think a million things went through my head in those few moments.  First, I’ve always thought of myself as a loner inside.  My friendships aren’t fake, but they are limited.  For example, this friend doesn’t know I am bipolar.  She probably never will.  Which is another part of the reason why I hesitated.  Can I call someone a best friend if I can’t tell them I am bipolar?  I probably could, but I don’t want to.  You see, she is a police officer.  And I don’t want her thinking that someday she might have to be the one sitting next to me while I’m handcuffed to a chair awaiting a psych eval.  If the situation ever warrants it, I would tell her, but there’s no need to blurt it out just because we’ve determined we are BFFs.  Oh, and lastly?  I never thought I was cool enough to be called a BFF.  😉

That rounds out most of this week.  I am so happy to have insurance coverage!  And I am so excited to be called a BFF!  (I feel cool now.)  Next up – I need a job!  In the meantime, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

 

Runaway Part II

A big THANK YOU to everyone for their help on my post Runaway.  This post is followup to that one and I wish I could say everything is OK now, but honestly, I’m no longer in the loop.  My sister sees her daughter as just in one of her moods, and my niece doesn’t want to talk to me right now.  But my last conversation with her was frightening.

I am going to start referring to my niece as Persephone, representing both her dual nature (bipolar) and particularly the darker side of schizophrenia.  I’ve also decided to refer to my sister as Hera, not only because she is a mother, but she can also be a selfish bitch.  Names established, I will get back to the story.

Conversations with Persephone went from strange to stranger the night that I posted Runaway.  She was referring to herself in the third person saying that Persephone is lost.  Imagine my shock, on facebook chat, when I asked who I was talking to and she gave me a new name.  (I will call this second personality Proserpina, not for personality reasons but because she is the Roman equivalent of Persephone.)  I was speechless.  Meanwhile, after hours of cajoling, DH convinced Persephone/Proserpina to call me.  It was like talking to a stranger.  Proserpina spoke differently – in monotone, devoid of interest yet with a touch of anger by some of my questions.  She said she takes over when the emotional turmoil is too great for Persephone to handle.  Whether this is a true manifestation of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) or not, I cannot say as I have no real experience with this illness.  Proserpina believes this situation to be a manifestation of her (their?) schizophrenia.

She said that Persephone will have no memory of what has occurred while Proserpina is in charge.  Her purpose is to keep Persephone’s body from dying, although she made it quite clear that she could hurt (but not kill) the body if she chose to do so.  She is supposed to be in charge until Persephone returns, but also to help “find” her, whatever that means.  Proserpina told me that when my niece “blacked out” while driving home, it was she who took over to keep Persephone from driving off the road and committing suicide.  When I asked if she was Persephone’s protector, the touch of anger shone through the mostly monotone speech.  This is when she informed me that she could hurt this body if she chose to but she could not destroy it because it did not belong to her.  Proserpina told me that she intended to leave for a few days, going camping in the woods in order to “find” Persephone.  Proserpina said that the switch lasts typically from 12-24hrs, but it had already been 24hrs since the switch by the time I talked to her.  To say that I am worried, is putting it mildly.

Update:  I just received an answer to my text and Persephone said the last couple of days are a blur.  Her memory is fragmented over the past few days and she feels as though what she does remember doesn’t belong to her.  She isn’t concerned, she thinks maybe she was on a drinking binge.  Now what do I do?  Is it my place to tell her about this conversation with Proserpina?  How do I convince her to take her drinking, partying, and medications more seriously?  Next time, things might not end so well.

 

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Life, Death and Love

I was originally planning to write another post about my slide back into depression, but then I watched last week’s Desperate Housewives episode. I find the show to be absurd yet entertaining most of the time, but occasionally there is an episode that touches you.  This was one such episode.

In case you don’t watch the series, here is the basic idea: four housewives who are best friends and neighbors share every triviality and tribulation of their lives.  The husbands are key secondary characters, and one of them is shot and killed in the previous episode. The episode I watched was the one that involves his funeral and how each housewife has dealt with the men in their life.  But what struck me about it is the impact that death has on our life.

As you may know, I lost my fur-child Goldie a week ago.  The pain of loss was refreshed today as I read the well-meaning condolence cards from our vet and the emergency animal clinic we took her to.  I remember as she lay there on her side panting, all I wanted to do was pet her and tell her how much I loved her.  I knew she wouldn’t make it to the vet in time but DH wanted to try.  It made him feel better to try.  I just wanted her to know how much I loved her because I wasn’t sure it was always clear.  So many times she got pushed aside because she wasn’t as demanding as the other cats.  She was quiet and kept to herself unless she wanted something.  How many times did I kick her off the desk, the chair, or the bed because I was doing something else instead of taking five minutes to pet her?

I lost my mother two years ago.  I didn’t say anything at the funeral.  I didn’t have anything to say.  I had been mourning her loss for years (she had Alzheimer’s) so I felt pretty numb about it by that time.  My mother and I still have many unresolved issues, issues that can’t be fixed now, issues that couldn’t even have been fixed before she became ill.  I did promise her at the funeral that I would forgive her someday.  The only thing that I hope she knew before she forgot me altogether was that I loved her.  Despite everything she put me through, she was still my mother, and I loved her.

My dad turns 83 this week.  There is a difficult past between us, but most of it has been worked through during the years.  I know now that he is proud of me, and he only pressured me to do well in school because he thought it was how he could make sure I succeeded.  He couldn’t have known that it would backfire.  That I would internalize every criticism and generate a sense of inadequacy.   He doesn’t know that I’m bipolar or that those genes most likely come from his side of the family.  They didn’t know those things back then.  My dad was an accountant and a steel worker, not a scientist, and “the web” as we know it didn’t exist back then.  He did what he thought was best.

Dad knows I love him.  Sometimes we don’t talk for weeks, and then I start to worry about him, but he swore to me that if he were ever to be in trouble, he would call me.  He sends me the most lovely cards, but gets upset if I do things for him. I know that someday I’ll have to go on without him too, although I hope that day is a long time away.

And I tell DH every day how much I love him.  I can’t imagine my life without him.  I don’t want to imagine my life without him.  My husband is the kindest person you will ever meet.  He takes care of me, even when I don’t or can’t reciprocate.  He takes care of the animals even though most of them think they belong to me.  I can’t think of enough wonderful things to say about him, even if he does irritate me sometimes – there’s still no one else I would rather be with.  Without him, my life would be empty, lonely, and pointless. So I worry on nights like this when he has to work late then commute 50 miles home.  I love him more than words can say.  He is my soulmate.

I’m not really sure where this post was going other than a simple TV show prompted me to think about the loved ones in my life.  The ones I love and the ones I have loved.  Always make sure the ones you love know that they are loved, be they human or not.  You never know what the future will bring and you’ll want them to know how much they are loved before you can’t tell them anymore.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Simmer

I feel as though I am walking on the edge of a knife. My temper is short, but I am containing it, keeping it under a false smile. Simmering, I can feel the rage building in my head, waiting for an outlet. The right trigger at the wrong time. Dsyphoric mania here I come. Clenching my fists, squeezing my eyes shut tight, biting my lip, counting to ten. Keep the lid on the pot, now is not the time. Never is the time, but right now is really not the time.

I’m supposed to go back to work this week. I have to be in control. I can’t get a straight answer from anyone – who is supposed to tell me when I can go back? If I can go back? Why can’t I work up the courage to call a lawyer? I can do a lot of things now. It’s time. I hate to admit it, but it’s time. I hate working; I hate not working. I hate having everything up in the air. The penny has to fall.

To make matters worse, my husband is sick. We don’t know why or how. It started two weeks ago – nausea & other digestive issues along with pain. Pain where your vital organs are. The gallbladder is already gone so what’s left? Not good. Scary. Doc gave Aciphex but it’s not fixing the problem. He’s in pain and he’s constantly exhausted and I don’t know how to help him. He won’t let me take him to the ER. I can’t lose my husband. I won’t survive. I can’t. He is the other half of me. The only one who can put up with my crazy moods, who supports me no matter what, who knows how to make me laugh and how to calm me down. I’m so dependent on him, sometimes I can’t even make simple decisions on my own.

All of this is building. Time is ticking. I am trapped within my own mind. Building, building, building. I can’t do what I need to do because I am constantly on edge. This razor-sharp knife edge. Keep the lid on. Hold on tight. This will not be a fun ride.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Christmas: Happy and Sad

Depression has been creeping back into my life.  It was at dysthymia for a while and I thought I could ride it out, but that is apparently not to be.  Even my OCD is coming back.  I snapped off my husband’s head one night because he wanted to go into The Room.  The problem is that The Room contains all of our Christmas wrapping stuff.  Argh.

Back to the topic at hand…

Christmas is a time of year that I normally enjoy, albeit sometimes with a little melancholy.  We are never surrounded by family.  My family is a scattered mess of psychological disorders and most of the individuals are toxic people.  The exception is my youngest niece.  She is a sweet young woman who is so much like me that we could be mother & daughter. Right down to the bipolar, but with a little schizophrenia thrown in for good measure.  Despite that, she is still highly functioning, graduating with an A.S. and a near 4.0 GPA.  She is looking at 4-year schools right now.  Anyway, the happy part is that my niece is coming to visit and I am really looking forward to her trip.  We have lots of exciting things to planned for her trip. (Art museums, the Zoo, etc.)

As to the sad part… DH will be with his family and not with us for Christmas. We had already committed to my niece’s visit when his mom invited us.  She is disappointed that I’m not coming too.  It’s the last Christmas in the house that DH grew up in because his mom is selling it.  This will be the first time in 15 years that DH and I will be separate at Christmas.  It hardly feels like we’ve been together that long but yet he’s a stead-fast piece of my life.  I would be lost without him.  I can’t imagine what Christmas will be like without him.  Basically, we will just try to keep ourselves occupied with fun stuff.  We’ll probably go to the zoo without him and we will spend Christmas day with a close friend of mine.  Usually DH & I spend Christmas with this friend and her husband, but my niece is welcome too, so that should be fun – at least it will be a busy day.

I still have mixed feelings about it all.  I understand why he is going (Christmas Conundrum) and that he feels it is a family obligation.  I know I’m not being shunned by his family because my mother-in-law is sad I can’t make it.  DH’s brother and his girlfriend are disappointed too.  But I’m still sad that he will be there and we will be here.  Heck, it would have great if we all could be there!  (We are giving our nephew the coolest thing for Christmas.)  But this is just another wave to ride, I guess.  A test of my endurance.  There will be other Christmases… the important thing is to enjoy what we have now.

Speaking of which – I’ve got to go to the airport!

Christmas Conundrum

I like Christmas. I find it’s a pleasant time of year. Even though people are often pushy and rude, I still enjoy shopping and I love buying gifts for others. I like Christmas music and snow, when we are lucky enough to have it. I love to bake holiday goodies. I like the Spirit of Christmas and sharing the joy with others. But this year we have a conundrum.

My niece is coming to visit and spend Christmas with us. I am really excited about this. I am disappointed that her mother, my sister, is not having Christmas for her daughter, but this means I get to see her. She is a sweet and strong young lady. At age 23, she’s just finished her two-year degree and she’s going to go to a four-year college next year. She’s much like me in that she wants to study science. In fact we’re so similar, we could be mother and daughter. She’s bipolar too.

This is where the conundrum comes in. My mother in law has just accepted an offer on her house. This means that this year will be the last Christmas they have in the house that my husband grew up it. She invited us to spend Christmas with her. I told her that my niece is coming and we really couldn’t go. However, my husband has been thinking maybe he should go. He feels torn because he wants to stay here and spend Christmas with us, but he feels as though it’s a family obligation to go and spend Christmas with his mom, who is 70 years old. If he goes, this will be the first Christmas we have spent apart since we met.

I feel torn too. I want him to be happy. And I want my mother in law to be happy. But I also want him here with me. And I know my niece would love to have him here. This is his only opportunity to go because even if I didn’t have my niece here, I am in no condition to travel. However, she can drive and we can shop and we can bake and we will be okay, but we will really miss him. So I don’t want him to leave but I also understand that it’s important to his mom, and to him too in some ways. But this breaks my heart.

He keeps asking me what I think. Do I encourage him to go? Or do I encourage him to stay? Or do I encourage him to make up his own mind? I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want to keep him here against his will. Nor do I want to force him to go. But it’s going to be really hard without him.

The really sad part is that yesterday we were both happy and excited about Christmas. Now we both are upset and frustrated about it. Amazing how quickly things can change.