First Job Interview in Review

I’m calling this post the first job interview, but in all honesty, I hope I get this job and won’t have to apply for any others. It’s for teaching at a local university. They asked me to come in and teach a class, which I did, and I think it went pretty well. The students clapped at the end. I’m not sure what to think of that since they also clapped when I figured out the light switches. (We were doing a demo that required darkness.)

Overall, I think it went pretty well, except for one thing. They want someone who can teach upper division and graduate classes as well. I didn’t answer those questions right because a) I have low self-confidence, b) I didn’t want to impose on anyone’s current schedule, c) I never picked up on the clue that this was something they wanted and needed, otherwise, I think I might have walked out much better situated. I didn’t get the click that this was what they wanted to hear until I was driving the hour-long commute home. DH says I would sound too much like an eager puppy-dog if I tried to call or email them now to explain that yes, I would teach those classes. Ugh. I need to wait on pins and needles for the next few weeks and see what happens.

I wasn’t hypomanic either. If I had been, I may have been less hesitant and more willing to commit to those upper level courses. I should be happy that I had a stable day, but it’s screwed me in the long run! Can’t I ever win?

This second anti-psychotic seems to keep me in check better than the Geodon (or maybe it’s the combination). The stuff makes me sick to my stomach after I take it (think near dry heaves for about 30min-hr) but maybe that side effect will go away. I forget to take it every day and that seems to make a difference. I am better on days when I remembered to take it the night before.

Anyway, the most stress of the day came when I got home after having reviewed the entire day in my head during the hour-long drive home. I was so worked up that I had to take extra Klonopin and sleep on the couch. A lot of the interview was good, but the answer to this question was horrible. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How can I fix it?

Suggestions, thoughts, prayers, and hugs are welcome!


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Writing

Writing has been very difficult for me lately. Even though I can now type with two hands, I feel like I have nothing to say. A little bit of depression, I fear. So the question is: why isn’t the Paxil working? It’s always worked like a charm, easing the sadness away starting at two weeks. It’s been three now, and I am getting used to the side effects, but it’s NOT working. WHY?????????

There is another factor in this equation, and that is that we lowered my Lamictal a bit. I’m still above the therapeutic dose so I should be fine. We did this to see if it would improve my memory and my estrogen levels. Yes on the estrogen, still unknown on the memory. But Klonopin reduces memory too – so just call me screwed. (For those of you on Xanax, it can cause memory impairment too. Maybe all the benzos do.)

I’m a little wound up today because the nurse didn’t fax in my paperwork last Friday. Or if she did, then the fax didn’t go through. I don’t know what to do. I left her a message on Friday, but she hasn’t called me back yet. Since the doctor is in the office today, she will be hard to get a hold of, but tomorrow is her desk-day so I may be able to get a hold of her then. I can keep checking my work email too just in case she sent it in but hasn’t bothered to call me. If she tries to tell me that she never got it, well, that’s a problem with their office. I dropped it off, paid my $5 and have a receipt. I have a few more days on the paperwork, but it’s got to get in there soon. I hate dealing with big places with stupid rules. I’m not sure it’s worth it, even if they are supposed to be “the best”.

Sorry this is another rant-day but I needed to get that off my chest. I will try to post something interesting one of these days.

Personal Blog Copyright

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2012

Call me a cynic, but I don’t know if 2012 will be much kinder to me than 2011 was. I hope so, but I’m starting off with depression.  Whether it’s just the post-holiday blues or something more sinister remains to be seen.  I picked up my last round of medications on the 31st and two of them were free.  Geodon is not free.  It’s a brand-name.  This means I met my maximum out of pocket for the year.  That’s $8,000 in medical expenses. It was nearly that in 2010.  If I lose my job, I lose health coverage – then where will I be?

I was thinking yesterday about my situation.  I have been out of work on disability for 6 months now.  What have I done with that time?  Did I find a new job? No. Did I read? No. Did I do any of my favorite hobbies? No. Did I study my field in order to keep my brain active? No. Did I even write? Not really. Only these sporadic posts. I sat on my ass and watched TV.  I did a lot of worrying. Fought depression and anxiety with mostly losing results. I got my brain (somewhat) in order, I had my gallbladder removed, my left wrist mostly healed, and I let them operate on my right elbow.  I went to a lot of doctor’s appointments and physical therapy.  I paid a lot of money in medical and I’ve got a lot more yet to pay.

Today I tried to take stock of our finances.  It’s depressing to see how much we spend on things.  Yes, I have disposable income.  The sad part is how much of it I dispose of.  I spend when I’m manic/hypomanic, I spend when I’m depressed, I spend when I’m bored or stressed, and then I have horrible buyers remorse afterwards. I try to rationalize: It was a good deal, it was only 5/10/20/50 dollars, etc. But those small numbers add up.  And someday that may mean the difference between paying the water bill or not.

By the way, did I mention my house needs repairs & updating?  I hate home ownership.

I hate harping on finances, but I am really scared.  I’m scared of losing my job, even if I don’t like it.  I’m afraid of what losing my job would do to me psychologically.  Last time, I almost committed suicide. If I lose this job, what will happen to me this time?

Ah well, time to take a Klonopin and toast the new year.  May 2012 be a kinder, gentler year for all of us.


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Under the Knife

I get my elbow reattached in the morning.  I’m not sure there is enough Klonopin for me to deal with this. There are a million things going on in my head, but I don’t feel manic.  I do feel anxious.  VERY anxious.  I called the pre-op department today because I had forgotten to tell them about my Lyrica and I mentioned that have severe PTSD from a past medical trauma.  (For a brief description see Donation: One Slightly Used Gallbladder.)  She asked what the trauma was from and I said a car accident that nearly killed me. I told her how I get very upset and start shaking and my blood pressure goes up, etc.  Then she asked what time I was due to be at the center and I said 7:30am.  She said not to worry, I would be the first one on the schedule and they would get me set up with an IV and a sedative.  I forgot to ask if my husband can come back and keep me company while I wait for the surgeon and anesthesiologist to make their rounds.

I’m already trembling, how will I survive the hour long drive down there?  And I certainly hope they give me something to keep the pain at bay for the long drive home.  (I’m assuming that I will get a script but it will take time to fill and I still have to get home.)  I’ve prepped a pillow for the car ride and a spare bottle of old Lortab in case they won’t give me a parting dose for the ride.  I have backups upon backups and still I don’t feel safe. I worry about the procedure, I worry about the recovery, I worry about everything.  Worrying doesn’t do any good, I know, but how do I stop it?

Today I was really busy with therapist & doctors appointments and the like.  I just settled down to write this about an hour ago.  Just to update on other things – worker’s comp appointment wasn’t as bad as I feared.  He is sending me to a hand specialist to check but it seems that I have inflammation in the wrist joint that will probably go away over time.  Maybe.  We’ll see.  Oh and I was able to get a copy of my job description from my nurse case manager.  I’ve never had one before.  It’s interesting to note that my job description (as a professional with a PhD) is the same description as the technician’s job.  Remind me again why I went to college for 10 years???

Thank you all for the good thoughts for tomorrow.  I’ll post when I can.

Dear Paxil

Dear Paxil,

What happened?  We used to be such good friends.  We were happy together.  I know we haven’t seen each other since 2004, but are you holding a grudge?  You need not make me anxious just to prove a point.

Perhaps you are angry because I have let Geodon into our family.  Please, it’s not personal… well, OK it is, but I was hoping you would understand.  You make me happy – too happy – we just can’t be left alone together.  Geodon is our chaperone.  I swear, it is nothing more than that.

We were united twice before – once in 1997 and once in 2003.  You didn’t treat me like this those times.  Or is my memory just hazy from the beauty of mania we have shared?

Please Paxil, I beg of you, send your side effects away.  I wish to be friends, good friends, but not BFFs as we once were.  I need you to do this for me, because Klonopin does not play well with Geodon, so he must be used sparingly.

I plead my case.

Thank you,

Monday

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High Blood Pressure

It appears that my high blood pressure has resurfaced.  In the past two weeks, I have been to three doctors: the surgeon, the clinic, and the workers comp doctor. Two out of those three visits, my blood pressure was at stroke level.  Seriously.  Yesterday it was 136/111.  This morning, it was 146/96.  I have an appointment to see my primary care doctor tomorrow morning.  In the meantime, I am taking some leftover blood pressure medication, and the pharmacy is faxing a request for a new prescription.

I don’t know if I can handle the neuropathy medication.  It makes me too dizzy.  It may even be contributing to my depression.  I don’t know.  It could be that the Klonipin is contributing to my depression.  Or it could just be my bipolar.  Regardless, I’m falling down.

I seem to be continually beating myself up.  It is one of those things we all seem to do to a various extent.  Even some of the “normals” do it.  But for some reason we bipolars seem to be worse.  Or rather, better at it. It’s like I intentionally put a chain with a weight on it around my neck and allow myself to drown.

The neuropathy has been the worse lately.  So I tried to increase it this morning (as I should be by now) and of course I’m dizzy. It feels like I can’t win.

It is getting more difficult to write this blog because of the depression.  I am using the speech recognition, but I still need a a better microphone.  I am going to order one.  I’ve been planning to do so the entire week.  Yet I have not done it.  Do you see where this is going?  I never seem to be able to accomplish anything.  Depression is taking over me.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.