3AM

And she screams and her voice is straining
She says baby
It’s 3 am I must be lonely…
3am, Matchbook Twenty

It’s nearly 3AM and I’m feeling lonely. I tried sleeping but that didn’t work so I took a second dose of Klonopin. (Yes, that’s double the dose.) I’m wound up and I can’t put my finger on it.

I have to admit, I’ve fallen off the stable wagon. I didn’t want to admit it. I function well enough – if you call it that. I didn’t buy the shoes even though I had a couple of chances.  As Ruby put it, I should be proud of myself for that.

I don’t know what put me into a tailspin tonight.  I think it was reading some blogs that I’ve been trying to catch up on.  I came across one that made me sad when I know it was meant to make me happy.  I just feel so down tonight.  I don’t feel like I’m at the cool table but rather still at the invisible table.  I was at the cool table when I was manic and smart, and pretty, and all around cool.  Now I’m depressed and sitting alone at the invisible table, writing and crying at 3am.

I’m not blaming the blog in question – it really was meant to be a happy blog.  Maybe it just triggered some bad memories for me.  Like when I thought I was sitting at the cool table and I wrote a very deep, heartfelt note to one of my fellow tablemates, only to have it read out loud while the entire table jeered me.   It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Or maybe I feel lonely because I’m not as popular as a lot of the other blogs I read.  Some of us started at the same time, yet I’ve only got a fraction of the number of followers.  (However, I am grateful for each and every follower!)

Or maybe the events of earlier today made me feel worse than I originally thought.  I don’t know.  But it’s 3am and I must be lonely, because I don’t know what else it is.

 
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