4 am

It’s 4am and I’m blogging.  I’m blogging because I can’t sleep.  Why can’t I sleep? No clue.  Well, maybe I have a cue, but it’s a bit tenuous.

I suspect it has something to do with Geodon.  Geodon must be taken with food.  Apparently it doesn’t work right unless you take it with a meal that contains at least 500 calories.  Granted, I can reach 500 calories with two candy bars, but that doesn’t appear to be the correct method.  The correct method would be 500 calories worth of steak, potatoes & vegetables.

But maybe I don’t always each the right kind of 500 calories because Geodon affects me differently on different days.  Some days it makes me loopy and I can’t think after about 2 hours. Other times it does nothing.  Like tonight.  I took my Lyrica, nothing. Geodon, nothing. Klonipin, nothing.  Nothing put me to sleep.  (Although I have to admit this second bit of Klonipin seems to be helping. Don’t worry, it’s shrink-approved.)

If this lack of Geodon side effects is really related to the right kind of food eaten, then probably it is also related to how you take it.  Be sure and take it right after you have finished eating, not just before you eat, nor 30 minutes after you have eaten.  It doesn’t matter if you are still full, you will need more food.  But at that point, it’s really just too late.

So here I find myself, blogging at 4am.  Oops, make that 5am.

Hmm, I think I’ll try that sleep thing again.

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Overwhelmed by Medicine

Medicine: the art or science of restoring or preserving health or due physical condition, as by means of drugs, surgical operations or appliances, or manipulations: often divided into medicine proper, surgery, and obstetrics. – Dictionary.com

I am overwhelmed.

I am trying to recover from gallbladder surgery.  This should be my main focus.  Except that I still have to go to physical therapy – one is for worker’s comp so you can’t get out of it no matter how badly you feel – and the other to be evaluated for the followup on the tennis elbow problem –  and I see that doctor tomorrow morning.  I have (psych) therapy tomorrow night, and I had to find a friend to take me because I can’t drive on these painkillers (yes, I’m still on them, they even gave me more – I’ll come back to that) because my husband has to go for introduction sort of thing for his new part-time job.  Are you confused yet?  Because I am.  If my phone didn’t have a calendar app, I would never know where I am supposed to be or when I am supposed to be there – and I’m not even working.

Problem #1: Gallbladder surgery.  It’s been 5 days.  I still feel like crap.  I’m not eating meals so much as I am snacking on yogurt, smoothies, crackers and some fruit. (And the occasional fat-free/sugar-free gummy bear just for emotional sake.)  I’ve tried a couple of real meals and I just don’t feel well afterwards.  Now I am at the point where I don’t feel well at all.  Probably because my digestive system hasn’t reset yet.  Going along with this issue is that I am still in pain but I’ve been trying to cut back on the painkillers because they accentuate the digestive reset problem.  Also, I’m running out of them.  So I told the nurse and she conferred with the doctor, and they decided that I need to take the painkillers regularly (“as prescribed”) every 6 hours and faxed in a new prescription for me.  Lucky me.

I realize that some people would happy to have a fresh supply of Lortab but not me.  Why?  A couple of reasons. 1) I am allergic to aspirin, ibuprofen and probably all NSAIDs which means there isn’t much in the way of heavy-duty painkillers that you can give me.  So if I should build up a tolerance – well, then I’m screwed.  2) I am terrified of becoming hooked on anything.  I’ve been reassured by doctors, nurses, therapists and even articles that this is not going to happen to me in 2 or 3 weeks recovering from surgery.  Keep in mind, I never said there was any logic behind this fear.

Problem #2: Physical therapy.  Worker’s comp PT.  They had to make sure I came in 3 times this week.  Monday was definitely out.  I don’t have a driver for tomorrow, so that left Tuesday, Wednesday & Friday.  Rather than to cut a day out (which I am supposed to be down to 2x/week now anyway), they had me come in Day 4 after my surgery.  Seriously.  At least they did go a bit easy on me – I can only do some of the original exercises so they gave me new mild (in their opinion) stretching exercises to do. Worker’s Comp said that they would work with me regarding my surgery in terms of dates and obligations.  So I better not catch any crap for having to cut back on my exercises.  At least I didn’t pass out from the Lortab. Also, I had to have one more session on my elbow because I see that doctor tomorrow.  All this PT is definitely NOT GOOD for the gallbladder surgery recovery.  Just saying.

Problem #3: Elbow issue.  This is what technically put me on short term disability (STD) in the first place.  The PT said today that there isn’t much more they can do for me.  We stopped the ASTYM a couple of weeks ago and went with strengthening and it seems to be working really well.  My regular PT hasn’t been there for the past few times so another girl had to do my evaluation today.  She said that there isn’t much more they can do for me.  I have range of motion and a lot of my strength back, so maybe I do have to let the doctor cut open my arm and scrape out the bad tissue.  I get to discuss this with him tomorrow.

Do I have the emotional strength to handle another surgery?  Will it just get worse instead of better?  And what really are the odds of success? 90% or 60%?  I’ve heard both.  Does it even work at all?  I am nauseated by the thought of another surgery.  Especially on the heels of this one.  This is aside from the costs or the fear of returning (or not returning) to work.  I am at a loss.  I really need my friend Klonipin right now, but I’m not sure how well it would mix with the Lortab.  I think they are OK to use together (thanks interactions checker) but I sure as hell don’t want to die because of some stupid meds mixing.

I don’t know.  I am really overwhelmed.


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Self Punishment

***WARNING: Emotionally charged.***

Why do I punish myself?  Isn’t it enough that the rest of the world is willing to do it for me?

I’m not talking about flogging (like medieval Catholic monks) or cutting or anything like that.  I’m talking about mental abuse.  I mentally abuse myself by telling myself how worthless I am, how incompetent, how useless. How I deserve to have bad things happen to me.

Why do I do this? Why? Why? Why?

I’ve made mistakes in my life.  I’m not perfect.  I’ve done things I’ve regretted because I was manic or hurting or just plain stupid at the time.  I’ve hurt people with my cutting words, and I use them on myself just as readily.  Maybe that’s why I figure it’s OK.  It’s OK to hurt someone else because I do it to myself.  All’s fair, right?  At least I’m not biased in that.

Or maybe it’s because my parents taught me I am not good enough.  My ex affirmed it with every strike of his fist.  It must be true.

I’ve even got a playlist guaranteed to make me cry.  “Unwell” (Matchbox Twenty), “Lithium” & “Imaginary” & “Tourniquet” (Evanescence), “Wasting My Time” (Default), “Away from the Sun” & “Loser” (3 Doors Down), “Paint it Black” & “Mother’s Little Helper” (Rolling Stones) – you get the picture.  I’ll listen to it over and over again until the pain eases, until the tears subside, or until I’m too exhausted to keep fighting.

My head pounds without hurting – as if someone is walking through it slamming doors, hitting walls, smashing, stabbing, choking.  My mind is a jumble.  It’s a struggle to breathe.  Tears stream from my eyes like a river.  Sometimes I’m screaming, slamming the doors, pounding the floor – sometimes I’m curled up rocking.  Just like the crazy person your mother warned you about.

Out of control.  With no way of grasping the reins of sanity.

God help me.  Except God and I aren’t on speaking terms.  How can we be?  Where is He when I need Him the most?  When my soul is drowning in my own mind. Fear.  Panic.  Pain. Torture.

Don’t you dare put me in a hospital.  It’s bad enough that I’m caught in HELL.  I don’t want to be trapped there.

My soul is bleeding. Screaming in silence. Why can’t anyone hear me?  Why can’t anyone save me?

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

PT Bruises

My arm is covered in bruises from physical therapy. And I have PT again tomorrow. It’s from a procedure called ASTYM. (http://astym.com/) It is supposed to be very good for tendon issues, and it has helped my right arm considerably over the past year, even if the first person who did it was doing it wrong. But I dread going back to PT, because, well, this $#@^% hurts!

ASTYM involves taking hard plastic tools and scraping them along the length of the tendon and muscle. (If you’d like to witness this torture, then you can watch the video: http://astym.com/video/)  Fortunately, they slather your arm in cocoa butter first so it glides along the surface. Can you imagine how painful it would be if they didn’t? And they don’t HAVE to bruise you in order for it to work, they just do.  And they keep torturing the same specific area.  My left forearm has more than 10 different bruises, many that run into each other, the largest of which is nearly 2″ in diameter.  I think physical therapists are secretly sadists.

The way it works is that it stimulates blood flow to the area which instigates healing.  This is especially important for tendons because they don’t get a lot of blood flow in the first place.  It’s also supposed to break up any fibrous tissue (aka scar tissue) so that when you stretch, the muscles & tendons lay down proper tissue in the correct direction.  Does it work? yes.  Has it worked for me? partially.  My right elbow should be completely healed by now, but it’s not.  But then I’m a bit of a medical mystery anyway.

I go to PT. I do my stretches every day.  My right elbow improves incrementally, but my wrist hurts more since I started PT than it did before. I’m scared.  I’ve started developing nerve pain in my left wrist too.  Keep in mind, the left wrist is the one that is “only a sprain” and doesn’t require any job restrictions, thanks to worker’s comp.

So what do I do now?  I don’t know. Keep going to PT I guess.  I have PT every day this week – either for the left wrist or the right elbow.  I realize that it’s my “job” to get better right now, but looking at that 2″ bruise and knowing it’s going to get pounded on tomorrow, makes me really not want to go into “work”.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.