Wow. All I have to say is wow – and not a good wow either. I told DH, “I was about as eloquent as a bull in a china closet.” I specifically did not take my Klonopin because I wanted my head to be clear, but I guess I should have taken it. Maybe things would have gone better. I took my Straterra – I was focused. My mood has been better since the weekend, so I’m pretty stable. I just stumbled everywhere. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t express my passion for teaching. I forgot all my analogies, all my anecdotes, all my stories that make me special and a great candidate.
Bomb. It was like I was a third person watching myself fail. I didn’t feel like I was failing, I was just watching it. My words, where were my words? I can tell you now how I keep in touch with some of my former students and I see the impact I had on their life and it makes me proud. Why didn’t I tell them that? My brain simply closed the doors to that knowledge. I felt so empty-headed. Like staring around you at an empty ballroom. I would start answering a question and then the words stopped flowing. Ending up with ‘uhm’ and ‘that sort of thing’ trailing off to silence. I have so many good things to say, why didn’t I say ANY of them?
I probably sound like I am beating up on myself but I’m not. I’m just frustrated. I’m wondering to what corner of the universe the language centers in my brain escaped. Sometimes I stopped myself from saying something that could have been negative, but applying the brakes to any thought process seemed to cause a shutdown of all communication skill. I could hear the seconds tick by as I raced through my mind, looking for something relevant to the add, something to finish the sentence with. Gone. Empty. Not even crickets chirping.
I don’t know if I will get called in for a face-to-face interview or not. I should know by the end of the week. But this time, I’m not counting any chickens. Hell, there’s no chickens to count – they flew the coop.
It’s been a few days since I last wrote, well, nearly a week. As you might recall from previous posts on the job interview and the waiting, I was very excited and nervous all last week. Until Friday when I got the email saying nicely that they offered the job to someone else and it was accepted. So, I was heartbroken on Friday. I thought I had done everything right. I thought it was the right school. But apparently not. It’s taken me a few days to lick my wounds.
I’ve got one more shot at teaching for the fall semester- I got a phone call from one of the schools where I applied for a lectureship. I have a phone interview on Monday. I don’t have high hopes, I didn’t have high hopes for it when I sent the applications in, but it’s a shot at least. Take what you can get, right? I have to go back and find out what research they do at the school because apparently that’s a high component these days. Really? I wanted to give up on research (for the most part) for teaching. Maybe I need to be looking at high school. I don’t know anymore. Still in career crisis here.
I’m really running out of options. I don’t even know how to find appropriate jobs at this point. It’s too late for the school year, and the thought of working for another company turns my stomach, even if the pay would be good. I don’t want to leave my friends here but I know that as a professional scientist, I will probably have to move again. It’s the bane of the highly educated. You can’t find a job in your field just anywhere. If I lived in a larger city, then there might be more opportunities for me, but I’ve found in the past that isn’t necessarily true. You just have to go where you have to go.
That’s where things stand at the moment. I’m still indecisive about my occupation, and I’m still indecisive about future, and I’m still unemployed. One more shot left on the horizon before the sunset of university options. (Not entirely, there’s a couple possibilities for spring semester.) At least I’ve got something to look forward to next week.