Frustrated Today

I’m frustrated.  I don’t even know where to begin.  It’s not like something big happened.  It’s the stress of a lot of little things.  And it probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been writing this blog.  This is my stress reliever.  But since I don’t want to burden anyone with my ‘poor, poor, pitiful me’ bit, I just don’t write.  It seems like I have to have something worth writing about.  And right now, all I’ve got is stress.  Why can’t they make a pill for stress?  They’ve got one for everything else.

So what am I so stressed about?  Well, DH is not here this week.  His mom paid for his ticket to come home for a week.  I leave on Saturday for a conference.  We overlapped our trips intentionally so that we wouldn’t have to kennel the dog as long.  Maybe that was a mistake.  It’s one thing to have DH spend a week away from me, it’s another when that week is right before I leave for my own trip.  I always get stressed out before I go on a trip.  I always have – at least I have for a long time.  It’s gotten worse over the years.  But travel anxiety spiked since 2009 when I we went on weekend trip and came home to find my cat had died.  That horrible memory is burned in my brain.  She was under the guest bed and DH saw her first.  When I looked under the bed I started screaming.  I don’t handle things like that very well.

So I think part of my problem when I travel is that episode is running through my subconscious, even though I have no reason to expect it to happen again.  But my travel stress dates back long before then – it just got worse after Luna’s passing.  Identifying that experience as part of my problem has helped a little, but I’m worked up already.  Worrying about packing, about how to apply for jobs when I’m not even home, making sure my resume is available, I have to make out business contact cards, taking the dog to the vet for his shots before he goes to the kennel.  Oh, and my debit card was declined today.  Probably because I didn’t have any money in my account.

Tomorrow I see my pdoc in the morning and I get my hair cut in the afternoon.  I’ve got to get it colored so I don’t look so old, because ageism is upon me.  I fly back Thursday night, unless the place I phone interviewed for wants me to come out for a face-to-face interview.  Then I will have to go directly from the conference to there for Friday, then back home.  Thinking about the “just in case” is freaking me out. I have to pack for an extra day “just in case”.

I have to start doing laundry for this trip too.  All my work clothes that have been mothballed for a year have to come out of their corner of the closet and be re-washed. I have dishes that will need to be done (can’t leave them for the few days before DH gets home) and calculating lunch and dinner is complicated for me.  I don’t want left-overs sitting in the fridge.  I’ve got to pack breakfast food (in the form of protein bars) because the hotel is one that doesn’t offer a free breakfast.  (Fortunately, I got the student hotel rate, but there’s no student rate on food.)  I have to pack all 11 (or is it 12?) medications for this trip.  I wanted a smaller pillbox, but I haven’t got time to go to Walmart to look for one.  Or maybe I do.  I don’t know.

Aren’t I supposed to be looking for a job???

And that’s a fruitless endeavor too.  Yesterday, today… nothing there.  Nothing.  If I was an IT person, I would have it made.  (At least locally.)  If I had managerial experience, that would open some doors.  If I had specialized in anything other than what I did, I would be in a better position.  This conference is about the only place to find a job in my specialty.  And we still have to exclude anything that requires a security clearance.

So…. yeah, I am so frustrated right now that I want to cry.  (I also had therapy today, which is emotional for me these days.)  So many things to do, but my list only has 4 on it because I can’t even articulate them in my head.  (Although this post is turning into a pretty good to-do list.)  Anyway, I guess the first thing on my list is to go make dinner.

Wish me luck! (and sanity!) 😉


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Another Phone Interview in Review

Wow.  All I have to say is wow – and not a good wow either.  I told DH, “I was about as eloquent as a bull in a china closet.”  I specifically did not take my Klonopin because I wanted my head to be clear, but I guess I should have taken it.  Maybe things would have gone better.  I took my Straterra – I was focused. My mood has been better since the weekend, so I’m pretty stable.  I just stumbled everywhere.  I couldn’t get the words out.  I couldn’t express my passion for teaching.  I forgot all my analogies, all my anecdotes, all my stories that make me special and a great candidate.

Bomb.  It was like I was a third person watching myself fail.  I didn’t feel like I was failing, I was just watching it.  My words, where were my words?  I can tell you now how I keep in touch with some of my former students and I see the impact I had on their life and it makes me proud.  Why didn’t I tell them that?  My brain simply closed the doors to that knowledge.  I felt so empty-headed. Like staring around you at an empty ballroom. I would start answering a question and then the words stopped flowing.  Ending up with ‘uhm’ and ‘that sort of thing’ trailing off to silence.  I have so many good things to say, why didn’t I say ANY of them?

I probably sound like I am beating up on myself but I’m not.  I’m just frustrated.  I’m wondering to what corner of the universe the language centers in my brain escaped.  Sometimes I stopped myself from saying something that could have been negative, but applying the brakes to any thought process seemed to cause a shutdown of all communication skill.  I could hear the seconds tick by as I raced through my mind, looking for something relevant to the add, something to finish the sentence with.  Gone. Empty. Not even crickets chirping.

I don’t know if I will get called in for a face-to-face interview or not.  I should know by the end of the week.  But this time, I’m not counting any chickens.  Hell, there’s no chickens to count – they flew the coop.

 

High school may be out of the question

Well, I was reading up on the requirements to teach high school, once I found them buried in the state board of education website, (don’t you love broken links?) and discovered there is another whole application process that I have to do before I can take the tests. This process can take up to 6 weeks, so if that happens then there is a very slim chance I can take the tests (with results) in time to teach this year. Since the schools aren’t even willing to entertain the notion of hiring me before certification, this leaves me in quite a bind.

So where do I go from here?

Even if I get through all that process, they do a FBI and criminal record background check. Would I even pass that with bipolar disorder?

There are so many fees involved too… each test has a fee. There are enrollment fees, application fees… it would be about a $400 job application to teach high school, and I’m not sure I have the self-confidence to do it in the long run. I’m not sure I have the self-confidence for anything.

I dreamed about the university position last night. I dreamed that I was doing the interview all over again, only not screwing it up. I really want that job, I just wish I had answered that one question right: which upper division classes would you be comfortable teaching? Well, hell, I can teach all of them (if I have the self-confidence). That’s what it all comes down to in the end: self-confidence. If only I had been hypo-manic instead of stable for this interview, I would have nailed it.

This waiting is killing me. If I had done that right, I might have an offer by now. I really hope I get the university job. My self-confidence tells me I can’t do it, but another part of me says I can. It’s all pointless now until I hear back from them.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

24 hours

It’s amazing what 24 hours can bring: happiness or despair or complete apathy or sheer boredom.  Sometimes all of the above and then some.  Twenty-four hours can crawl by at a snail’s pace or it can fly past quicker than you can blink.  For those of us with mood disorders, we can feel everything and nothing in that amount of time.

Let me tell you about the last day or so…  yesterday I was so depressed that I couldn’t even finish an email to a friend of mine.  I had to drag myself into the shower because I was meeting another friend after dinner for crafting and ‘catch-up’ time.  We had a great time, and I felt my depression ebbing.  I even revealed to her my bipolar disorder.  She took it in with a simple nod and then acknowledged how difficult it must be to have BP and do all the things that we have to do as scientists. Especially working with the crowd I had to work with – who would drive a sane person crazy any day.  We talked about my illness, my medicines, and other things completely unrelated to mental health.  As we were wrapping things up, her husband came in.  He is basically a nice guy with no social skills.  We discussed how things were going and he was trying to cheer me up with compliments that also included potential insults, but knowing him I didn’t take the insult aspects because it was in reference to my job not my person.  But what bugged me was that he started asking about a job that’s posted in my former department.  I know the job, I know the hiring manager, and so he asked about all of that.  We even went through his stack of business cards from his last interview there four years ago so I could tell him who was still there and who wasn’t.  I think in part he wanted to make sure I wasn’t applying for the same job, but I can’t imagine why that would make a difference. Even though he apologized, I was angry that he brought it up.  I felt used.  Two hours of fun, followed by 30min of grilling about my former employer and group.  I came home nearly as miserable as when I left.

This morning, we went to see DH’s doctor who (at long last) is doing some blood work to see if we can narrow down what is wrong with him.  But both of us were so tired that we fell back asleep after we returned home and slept for another 4 hours.  I’d been dealing with anxiety and depression all day, then I got an email in the afternoon asking if I would like to come in next week for an interview.  I have to teach a class (it’s for an instructor position) and meet with the rest of the faculty.  I was a little bit floored to get the email, and once I picked up my jaw, I was excited.  But then I started thinking about it, and now I’m nervous.  Sure, I can go through the motions of teaching but am I really any good at it?  A friend of mine tried to cheer me up on that point saying that there were students who loved me, so I must have been good, and there were students who hated me, which also means I must have been good.  However, it all boils down to I still had crappy evaluations. 😦

Well, this conversation turned because this same friend just got a job with my former company, and she started ‘picking my brain’ about benefits until I told her I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.  I begin to feel like I am nothing more than a source of information for a company that threw me out in the garbage.  Will people please stop talking about the company before I start screaming?!?!

Now I am in some sort of mixed state of anxiety, depression, and self-worthlessness.  How can I wow them next week when all I can think of is: will they see how stupid I am?

Anyway, that’s how the last day went for me. From utter despair and depression to fun and a lightened load, quickly back to anger, frustration and depression, then excitement, fear and worthlessness, back to frustration at my other friend who won’t shut up about her new job.  And now I’m just tired.

Too many emotions in too short of a time.  I want to get off this ride.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Flood

This isn’t about a true flood with 16″ of water or anything, but it is about my house and even an inch of water is too much in my opinion.  We live in a ranch house on a concrete slab foundation so there isn’t a basement or crawl space to fill up with water.  Our backyard is sloped, and during a heavy rainfall the water runs like a river along the side of the house.  Whatever genius designed this house, made the back patio slightly sloped as well, so that the water pools at the back door and along the back of the house.

At first we thought it was just because we didn’t keep the gutters clean enough.  So when it happened last night, DH suited up in his rain gear and went out back to check.  Gutters clean, water everywhere.  Mostly seeping through the back door.  Some of it seeps through other places too, but mostly it’s the back door.  The previous owners had landscaped the backyard so the water would run around the house, but we’ve gotten such harsh storms since we’ve lived here that I think all their landscaping has washed away.  If we continue to live here, we will probably invest in French drains, but I don’t even know if that would work.  Personally, I would like to flatten out the back yard and put in a retaining wall. But that might get washed away too.  Who knows?

I really don’t know how much more of this I can take.  Between my job, Goldie, and now the flood… I know I’m strong, but there are limits. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I feel like there is chaos in my mind, but not a manic kind of chaos.  Everything is mixed up: self-loathing & self-punishment, fear, stress, frustration and a weird sort of calm (stability?) or perhaps that’s just resignation. All swirling together.  Wanting to get out and leave my mind blank. Quiet. Peaceful.

I keep thinking I could have done better at this job, I could have been a better cat-parent, I could have been looking for a job these past 10 months, etc.  But really, could I?  If you’ve been following this blog for a while, then you probably noticed that my early blogs contain a lot of pain and anger.  That’s no place to be when looking for a new job.  Right now, I just want someone to tell me what to do.  I’m lost and I feel like my mind is exploding, the emotions and synapses bouncing off the walls of this thick skull of mine.

My mind is not racing like mania, as I might expect from being in this situation.  I’m mildly depressed, but not severely.  Again, surprised.  My medications must be working, as expensive as they are ($1500 for Geodon without having met a deductible for a 3-month script).  I’ve met my deductible for the year now, I wonder if that starts over now with COBRA?  Boy, would that suck.

I’m trying to stock-pile my medications now while I know I still have insurance.  I’ve got 3-6months on most things.  Some of them are cheap even without insurance (like blood pressure) so I will be OK on that.  It’s my estrogen (will probably have to switch to a pill), Lyrica, and Geodon that are going to kill me over the coming year.  Geodon is now generic, but not much cheaper than the brand name, and won’t be for a while.

If any of you are religious, please say a prayer for me.  I’m afraid my life may require more strength than I have.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Remodeling: Day 9

OK, I’m running a day behind now, but yesterday was a crazy day. The plumber was here and he couldn’t get the sink to fit once it had the faucet and other parts attached. So he had to cut away parts of the countertop. Whoever built this house jury-rigged pieces of wood together to hold up the cast iron sink. Yes, cast iron. I can only imagine how heavy that thing was.  At least it’s gone now.

Anyway, the plumber was getting very upset and grouchy and it was making me uncomfortable, especially when he started swearing.  I’m normally OK with a little swearing, but I don’t like angry men swearing in my house when I’m alone.  (DH had to work.)  It made me cringe, so it must have triggered the fear factor I get when men are angry (probably PTSD from an abusive relationship).  Needless to say, I was very relieved when they left even if it was in a huff.

The tile guy went by Lowes yesterday to pick up my tile and they didn’t have it.  They told him it was on order.  The reason why it was on order is because we bought the last of it off the shelf.  I watched them pick it up and put it in the cart.  They put the cart in the back where they store things for pickup later.  It took two employees all day looking for that tile in order to find it.  Someone had shoved three appliances up around the shopping cart holding my tile (bright, eh?) but at least they found it by the end of the day.

So not a lot got done yesterday, but tempers did flare.  I wish I could be more assertive in situations like that and not let it get to me.  I didn’t like how the lead plumber treated his assistant either, who was rather nice.  The plumbers are done today and I am so glad to have them out of the house.  The tile folks are still working, but I like them.  They are very nice and do great work.  We’re almost done.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Remodeling: Day 6

This morning, DH & I were talking about the hearth we had seen before we left. We weren’t crazy about it but it was still better than what we had so we figured just not to worry about it. Shortly thereafter, I get a call from the contractor: can we redo your hearth? He said he didn’t like it and didn’t want his name associated with it, but if we really liked it he would leave it. We told him it was fine to redo it and even talked a bit about the color. This should be a nice surprise when we get home.

We have the best contractor ever. He’s really making sure things get done right. The original builder created a house with “good bones” but skimped in some weird ways either for money or time. His tile work certainly could have been better. I can’t wait until our new tile goes in. Supposedly we have some of the best tile guys in town. Once they are done we can have the electrician come and replace our fixtures and fix our short to the garage. Then I think we should throw a party to show off our beautiful new kitchen with its crappy appliances. 😛

DH wants a new stove. I want new carpet. I really want to redo the bathroom. This remodeling stuff never ends! By the time you finish what you want to do, its time to start over. Home decor is such a fashion industry.

I can’t wait to get home tomorrow. We are having fun up here but I want to see my new counters and I miss my kitties. I’ll post when I’ve seen them!