I feel like I should be writing

There’s that evil word again: should. I should be doing this or that, I shouldn’t have done something else… it goes on and on. What does the word should get me other than guilt? Someone should take the word ‘should’ out of the English language. OK, that time it was a pun. 😉

I am constantly full of regret. I am scared as our savings is getting quite low. Neither DH nor I have full time jobs and COBRA is eating away our savings like you wouldn’t believe ($800+ /mo). I don’t know how much longer I can afford it. I would hate to go without insurance but what else can I do? If I had known about this state insurance program while I was still on unemployment then I could have gotten that but I didn’t so oh well. How do people live in this country???

There are lots of things I ‘should’ have done… like look for private insurance (it’s cheaper than I thought) and I didn’t know I could qualify for a deferment on my student loans. (I think my deferment time is spent though, so it would be forbearance time.) I waited on my student loan because you need to pay interest on it or the principle goes up and I didn’t want to do that while I could still afford it. (Afford being a relative term, of course.) But our money is dwindling fast and I’ve got to start with the desperate measures. Some programs are only available while you are collecting unemployment so I should have applied for them last year. (There’s that ‘should’ word again. Really, it ought to be banned.)

Anyway, I feel like I should be writing on here more but there still isn’t anything to talk about. I am working on insurance options and stuff like that today, wishing I had done it a long time ago. But I can’t change the past and I so I need to work towards the future. That’s all I can do.

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Feeling Worthless

I’m feeling pretty worthless and full of regret. Regret does no one any good but still it seems instilled in me – when you feel like crap make sure to make it worse because it can always be worse. That sounds like a rambling bit of bullshit, doesn’t it?

The job search thing is going poorly. I am trying to apply to places but I don’t have what it takes to get a job, it seems. No callbacks, nothing. How can I be so smart and yet so useless? I emailed a friend of mine last week for help but she has been busy and hasn’t been able to get back to me. I talked to her tonight but she is swamped trying to get a proposal uploaded before the deadline. She didn’t hear me but I was near to tears when we got off the phone. Oh, it’s nothing she did, it’s just knowing that these are the things that she and I used to do together when I worked there. Things that I should be doing, had I not gotten kicked out of academia for being female.

I feel like crying and yet not crying. I want my old teaching job back. I even want the hell of a job I had here back. I wouldn’t let them make me crazy this time. It would be different, I swear. That’s probably just a lie I am telling myself. I’m still crazy, it’s just a matter of which level.

I’m having a hard time being a scientist, or thinking of myself as a scientist. I need a better research proposal for my job applications so DH suggested I research carbon nanotubes. There are thousands of papers on carbon nanotubes. Probably hundreds published every month. How am I supposed to come up with a novel idea centered around carbon nanotubes when there is so much out there and no foreseeable path? If this were a dream, I would be trapped, wading through a forest of carbon nanotubes finding no end and no beginning. No water, no light, naught but an endless forest. That’s how it feels right now. I feel hopeless.

They say there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t see any light. It’s dark as pitch and I can’t feel my way. My mind is blank – devoid of anything useful. All my senses are gone – defunct in this quest for survival. All I want is to teach, to be a university professor, but apparently so does everyone else. The competition is fierce and overwhelming. My four years of experience teaching seem to be a waste of time as I don’t even get callbacks for phone interviews. Why has my life gone awry?

I no longer recommend going to college. I especially don’t recommend going into science. And whatever you do, don’t waste your time on a PhD. It’s fun while it lasts, but eventually it will mean nothing more than you aren’t employable.

The 5 minute interview

I swear it wasn’t any longer than 5-10min.  They asked me a few questions… why I left where and what the most recent jobs I’ve done have been and why I wanted to work for them.  I think I did OK answering the questions, but I don’t think they liked me very much.  We’ll see.  They intend to make a decision within a week.  I decided that if I get the job I would just have to deal with the standing.  It’s at a branch that is 5 min from my house.  I could walk to work if I was ambitious.

Tellers work alternate Saturday mornings (no problem) and shifts that rotate either 8:45 to 5:15 or 9:45 to 6:15.  Pretty straight forward.  There’s an “upselling” catch though.  Each month the teller has a quota to get customers interested in the bank’s other products and services.  The quota increases the longer you work there.  Really?  A bank?  Oh well, a job is a job, isn’t it?

I’ve been thinking about the teaching thing.  I think I might go ahead and get my certification.  It’s going to cost some money once you include all the tests but I think it might be worth it.  If we end up moving to another state my certification may not transfer but I think it would look better than not having one at all.  It might transfer to some states too.  Who knows?  At least I would be doing something towards my future.

I don’t know what to do.  I feel lost.  I don’t think I’m going to get this bank teller position and don’t know what to do next.  Keep applying, I guess.  I’ve not heard back from many of the universities I applied to and I expected that I would have heard something by now.  I think my research plan sucks and that is what is holding me back.  I don’t know what else it could be. 

Will I ever be employable again?  I go through jobs every 3-4 years but I know others go through jobs every 3-4 months and they still get new ones.  I just want a job where I can stay.  Go to work, go home, go on vacation.  Done.  I wish I hadn’t screwed up this last job.  Oh well. Done deal.  We must carry on.

Anyone know how to get a freakin job??!!!!?!?!?

Job Interview Tomorrow

OK, I have a job interview tomorrow. However, it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s to be a bank teller. Apparently, they weren’t scared off by my Ph.D. (I had to put it on my app since they are running a background check and it would have come up if I lied.) So, I applied on Thursday, they called me on Friday to set up the appointment for tomorrow. I’m really not sure what I am doing.

I didn’t lie on my application or anything, and I do need a job, and I don’t think that being a bank teller would be all that bad except for one thing: standing up all day. Yes, this should have been obvious to me. But I applied on Thursday when I had a cold and wasn’t thinking clearly. I honestly didn’t expect them to respond, at least not so soon. Now I’ve got a job interview for a job that I don’t know if I can do because I don’t know if I can stand up all day long.

Why? Because I have 3 herniated disks in my back that press on my sciatic nerve when irritated. I’ve also got a bunion in my right foot. There’s a cyst in my foot that is pressing on the toe joint. I thought the doctor said something about my bones separating too, but now I’m not sure. I don’t know. I’m too young for this crap.

Apparently not, because it says online that even teenagers can get bunions. Crap.

Regardless, my foot hurts pretty often and I’m sure standing won’t help any.

So what do I do? DH says to go and at least hear them out. I’m thinking maybe there’s the possibility of a stool to sit on from time to time when they aren’t busy. I need a job, even though it’s minimum wage, and I need health insurance. I wish now that I hadn’t applied for it. I don’t know. I am so confused.

Me? A Good Sub?

OK, this has come up twice now, so I thought I should blog about it. Last week a student at the end of class said, “You’re a good sub.” He was a very nice kid as he helped with attendance and then put up most of the chairs in the room (last class of the day for that teacher). I said thank you and told him he was a good student. As for internalizing the compliment… well, it was all disbelief. Why would he say that I was a good sub? The class was average, my attitude was average (for me) and by average, I mean I had to raise my voice but I didn’t send anyone to the principal’s office. So why me? I discussed this in therapy today. My therapist asked why would he tell you that if he didn’t mean it? I’m sort of stumped on that one.

Then there was today. For my last class, a girl came up to me at the beginning and said, “Ms. Monday, you are my favorite sub. Can I have a hug?” I was shocked (again) and I gave her a hug. It wasn’t until later, when I was telling my husband about it, that he pointed out that maybe I wasn’t supposed to hug her. Maybe it is against school rules. Now I am going to worry about that all weekend. So I was having a great day until that little worry came up. Now I don’t know what to think. Hopefully it won’t be a problem, otherwise I’m out of another job.

Oh well. I’ve still been complimented on being a good sub twice now in the past few weeks. A few more times, and I might believe it. Maybe I was meant to teach secondary school after all.

Substitute Teaching

I’ve done five substitute teaching assignments so far, and I have mixed feelings about it.  Some of it is good, some of it is bad, some of it is…well, babysitting.

My first assignment was with the alternative school.  I thought I could make a difference but instead I got run over by the students. I should have sent some of them to the principal’s office. I don’t think I want to teach that again.  I’ve pretty much been run over by the students in most of the classes I’ve taught.  One of them even snuck out of class on me and she was called down to the principal’s office.  This was the last time I taught.  I managed to keep a hold of the remainder of the classes (just barely) and I was feeling so stressed when I got home that I took a Klonopin.

In my last therapy session, I talked about substitute teaching.  My therapist said I glow when I talk about teaching.  So why am I sucking down benzos in order to deal with it?  Why do I feel so stressed out?  I thought I liked teaching?  I do like teaching college.  That’s what I want – a college teaching position.  But tonight, even the thought of teaching college stresses me out.

Hopefully this will pass.  I have to get back on the horse again, but I don’t think attempting the alternative school is the right horse to ride.  Can’t I have a nice English or Social Studies class?  Well, I could have but I didn’t click the assignments quick enough – someone else got to them before me.  (It’s a computerized system. If I don’t accept the job online, then I’ll get a call in the morning if there are openings.)  All I can do is keep checking the website for openings, and turn my phone on in the morning.

As for now, I think I will call it a night.

 
© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

A Preview of Winter

image from freefoto.com

The past few days have been very cold here. Not very cold compared to the North, but cold compared to the late summer we have been enjoying. Nights in the 30’s and days in the 50’s.  This shouldn’t happen for another month or two where I live. The days are growing shorter. I’ve been running the heat for two days and even turned on the space heater today. (I hate the cold.) It’s been kind of grey and overcast and I’ve been sleeping a lot this weekend. I’ve felt tired and achy – is it the winter blues already?

Winter is often unkind to those suffering from bipolar or unipolar depression and seasonal affective disorder. It probably affects many other mental disorders as well. So when I look out the window and see a cold, grey sky, I feel like I don’t want to move from under the covers. I know what winter means. It means a cold house because I can’t afford to run the heat too high, and freezing feet and fingers because I have poor circulation. The holidays are coming and that just reminds me how isolated we are from our families, or at least I am. There will be sweets that I cannot eat, gifts I cannot afford to buy, and depression I cannot avoid. We won’t get snow, we will get ice, and driving will be difficult. Not that I have anywhere to go.

I have a feeling that I will be unemployed all winter. I’m going to do my best to hope for at least some part-time work. My unemployment checks will be running out soon – probably next month – so I hope my mortgage refinance happens before then. I’m not looking forward to this winter.

The weather is supposed to turn warm again in a couple of days. The last remnants of summer.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.