Writing among other things

I haven’t written in so long that I feel like I’ve forgotten how.  I know that isn’t true for I’ve been writing a lot of fan fiction lately.  It seems like my time goes into writing that instead of more productive things.  I used to post a separate blog on one of my fanfic stories, but it’s being moved to fanfiction.net.  {Pen name MirandaBasilisk if you are curious.}  I’ve actually got three stories on there, one is being moved from my alternate blog, another is a new story, and the last is called a one-shot, where it’s only one scene.

Other than that, it’s just the usual.  Still some saga about my Dad’s estate, namely his car, and I don’t know what to do about it.  He still hasn’t gotten his glasses replaced so he can’t read and he’s really bored.  His hearing aids are missing too.  Some things just never end.

The job situation is still a joke.  My bestie implied I wasn’t trying to find a job, which really hurt.  That was yesterday.  Yesterday, my coffee maker broke and the dog killed a bird.  Not a good day. 😦

On the positive side of things, I am signed up to take my certification exams in order to teach high school.  I have a lot of studying to do and about a month to do it in.  I’ve already started, but I didn’t do any yesterday – I just felt so rotten.  I was seriously contemplating drinking – yes, drinking with my Klonopin.  I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to not feel for a while.  All our alcohol is on top of the kitchen cabinets and my husband wouldn’t get it for me.  I don’t know where the step stool went either.  In retrospect, maybe that’s a good thing.

I switched therapists.  That was a nightmare.  I never wrote it out and I should have.  I should have followed through by talking to my old therapist’s (intern) mentor.  She deserved to know why I left.  Now I pay for therapy, but this lady is so much better.  She is older (maybe early sixties) and she understands bipolar because she IS bipolar!  My pdoc recommended her – in fact, she used to be a patient of my pdoc.

OK, I’m sitting here listening to Nickelback and getting distracted.  I’m looking for a song I heard on the radio yesterday (ok, 2 good songs on the radio – yesterday’s high points).  I’m pretty sure it’s a Nickelback song, but apparently not on the album I own.  See how I old I am?  I used the word album.  GROAN!

New Project!

I’ve had plenty of mental health stuff go down over the past week, but I want to put that on hold and tell you about my new project.

It has to do with writing… specifically, it’s a new blog. But not a normal blog, no, this is fan fiction written in a journal (blog) format. What fan fiction, you might ask? Well, uhm, it’s a video game I’ve been playing called Dragon Age Origins. I’m hooked. I have a character that’s hooked on another character, and since the whole thing is a role playing game anyway… well, I just had to write it. I started one for my Skyrim (another video game) character but I went up in level too quickly (I played too much) to capture the character as she progressed. But with Dragon Age, I’ve captured it. Mostly. I’ve had to replay a few things with different characters to get the storyline correct. But my writing is best when I write off page – that is, when it has nothing to do with the basic storyline itself.

Since I’ve got five or so posts done so far and several more in the queue, I think I might actually follow through with this project. It also involves video games, so I think that may help too. 😉 However, I don’t want the fact that it involves video games to scare you off. At its core, it is a love story. It just happens to be set in a fantasy setting and follow the general plot line of a video game. If I was more creative, I could write the entire thing from scratch and avoid the video game aspect altogether. But alas, I know my limitations.

Anyway, as a personal favor, would you go and read a couple of posts? If you like it, feel free to subscribe. 😉 I think I’ve only got one reader and that might be a bot. 😦 I’d also be very curious to see if anyone finds the story to be readable if they haven’t played the game. I’m not trying to fish for compliments, I have just enough self-esteem to know that I’m a pretty good fiction writer. 🙂

If you would like to read it, start with He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not. It’s the first post, although it takes place in the middle of the story. We go into flashback from there to catch you up on the romance and story.

I hope you enjoy!

Still Not Writing

Nope. Not writing here. Not writing in my fancy color coded, stickery journal either. Lots o’ stuff has happened lately. We had a holiday and everything. Even got the Christmas lights up. But am I writing? Nope. Do I feel like writing? Not really. No excuse. Just… not… writing. And Ruby even gave me an out on writing up the Compassionate Brain series for Canvas. So, not writing there either, even though I did make a half-assed commitment.

Is what I am doing now writing? Not really. It’s stream of consciousness verbal spillage. And it’s going to stop now because I am tired and I have too many damn things to do tomorrow. Will I write tomorrow? We’ll see. I’m making no more promises. I don’t want to back down from them like I have with the Compassionate Brain series.

No promises… but I wonder… will you read once I write again?

Why am I not writing?

Even just now, I wrote the title and then left the computer. Why? Why am I so subconsciously opposed to writing? We talked about this in therapy. My therapist wanted me to start a journal. I wrote the first three days, missed a day, wrote, and now it’s been two or three days since I picked it up. Why?

After exploring it in therapy, I know why. I probably didn’t need therapy to tell me this, but I did need to think about it for myself. You see, any time I tried to keep a journal, my mother would read it. I remember one time, I was in junior high at the time, I wrote out on a couple of sheets of paper how I felt about my home life. I wrote that we (my mother, father and I) were three strangers living under the same roof. My mother found it, read it, and beat me for it. It was the last time she ever used the leather belt on me.

I kept a journal for a while when I was recovering from my car accident. I had to stay with my mom because I had no where else to go during my recovery. I kept my journal buried in the nightstand next to my bed. It didn’t matter because she found it and read it. I can’t remember how I found out, but I did.

Since then, I have intermittently kept a journal. I will buy all these cool journals but then never write in them because I feel that they are too good for whatever I have to say. Or I will start a journal and not finish it. I have one, it’s a pretty pink color, that I have intermittently written in since 2008. I’ve gone through about a third of the pages. I would write for a few days, then nothing for six months. When my cat Luna died, I wrote simply Luna died today. The way I wrote it, with such emphasis on the phrase with underlines, I can recall the pain I felt then.

When my therapist assigned journal writing as my “homework”, I went out and got a new journal. I found this composition notebook at the dollar store that has a funky colored cover. I also got some butterfly stickers at the dollar store and decorated it. I could have used my old journal but I wasn’t sure where it was and I wanted to start “fresh”. It sort of worked. I write in it some days. I’ve got no excuse for the most part except that I don’t make time for it. Or I don’t find anything to say. I mean, my life is boring and all I do is worry about being unemployed or money, so what else is there to write. I wrote at first about my therapist, maybe that’s why I wrote so much for a couple of days. Now that that well has run dry (I had no appointment last week) and I’m out of stuff to bitch about. 😉

I haven’t been writing here either. I did have a busy week last week, since I substituted four days. (One full day, two half days, and a 3/4 day.) It definitely kept me busy and I was tired by the end of Friday. I’ll post more on this separately.

It’s all just an excuse, isn’t it? Writing is supposed to be therapeutic, and it is when I have something on my mind, otherwise it’s just a chore. Most of my blog posts take me an hour to write. I spent about three hours yesterday on my next Canvas post on The Compassionate Brain webinar series. I wish I hadn’t committed myself to it. My summaries are two weeks past the air date and they take so much time to write. It all feels like so much effort for me right now. I don’t think I’m really depressed, although I am doing a bit of cycling, but still it feels like so much effort. I can’t imagine if I did this for a living. It takes me so long to write anything! (And it’s not my typing speed slowing me down.)

Well there. I wrote about not writing. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you get around it? Any suggestions are welcome. Thanks.


© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

100th post

It’s been nine months from my first post until now. Long enough to have a baby. And this blog is my baby. A special place where I can vent, I can laugh, I can cry, and I can know that some of you are listening, laughing and crying with me. From 1 follower to 37 followers. And I cherish every single one of you.

My first few posts were often ones of anger. I don’t regret them, but it shows where I was emotionally at that time. Since then, I have dipped into depression, and it was only through this blog that I was able to watch my emotional spiral. I discovered that my darkest hell had a name: dysphoric mania.

I found a doctor I can rely on and a useful therapist. And I found you. This amazingly supportive community. Where you more about me than most of my real life friends. They may know my name, but you know my struggles, my triumphs, my innermost thoughts and feelings.

Thank you for reading my blog. I wouldn’t keep writing it if you weren’t. And I wouldn’t have seen so much of myself if not through your eyes.

 

© Manic Monday (manicmonday123) 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Manic Monday (manicmonday123) with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.